Elderly in-laws refuse to sell house that needs $200k of work, are out of money, can’t get loan
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Anonymous
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As someone who is dealing with similar? They will suck you both dry and not care about any of your futures because they are so focused on their childish feeeelllllinnnnnnggggggssss that they won't face reality. I tried and all we have for it is more demands. I went from loving my parents to resenting their stubbornness to now simply not caring. I'm sure I do deep down, but I can't find that feeling right now.
If you have power of attorney, you have nothing. All you can do is put your foot down before you are both destroyed financially and emotionally. |
Anonymous
You might want to do some remedial reading classes. My post said nothing about making anybody do anything, nor did it ignore that many elderly people can’t see what’s best because of their attachment to their existing home. I suggested a pitch to tempt the parents into a better decision. No guarantee it will work. No guarantee it won’t. I know people who have all but fled their run down places when somebody did some legwork on alternatives. Sorry you had a bad time, but why be so negative? |
Anonymous
As someone going through, same, the bolded will not helps. There is no rationale here. We have offered my parent FIVE, count them FIVE viable solutions including a home where they are that we own (so close that my mother’s “I don’t like the neighbors statement is ridiculous because she (a) never sees her own neighbors and (b) the house is about a mile from them in the SAME COMMUNITY), a downsize of their choice in their own community, a home we own as well in our community, a condo in our community nearby the home we own, or even the large walk out, bright 1200 square foot basement space in our own home complete with 3/4 kitchen and a 12 seat home theater. They act like in all situations, they will be slumming it. My parents are now out of money and almost totally incontinent. Both are housebound because they no longer can drive. My father would be stuck in bed if he didn’t rely on my disabled mother who can barely walk to get him up and dress him, for which she is deeply resentful. Both their doctors have tried talking to them. My father’s doctor literally screamed at him when he refused a walker and told him that when he falls, he will break a hip and end up in a nursing home, and no, he will not help my father leave the facility at that point. That’s the ONLY thing that got my father to try a walker. So to think you can convince irrational people to do anything, is, well, irrational. You think the medical community will help you? My cousin is dealing with her irrational 98 year old mother. The hospital wanted to send her home after an incident when she now needs round the clock care. Social worker went into bullying mode “Why can’t YOU do it? Surely there is room for her in YOUR house. No bathroom on the main floor? Why we have bedside commodes” etc etc. My cousin had to repeat like a mantra “I recently had a stroke. I cannot care for her full time” until they finally started helping my cousin find practical solutions at area facilities. My aunt at this point has only social security and my cousins can only afford part-time help. Before the fall, my aunt could be alone for periods of time because my cousin and her husband were 10 minutes away. BTW I experienced same sort of bullying. It’s a ‘thing’ now. OP, again, do NOT get yourself into this UNLESS your in-laws are asking for and are willing to engage. |
Anonymous
+1. And I question the wisdom of putting hundreds of thousands of dollars of work into this house with a goal towards making it sellable. Putting money towards making it liveable for two elderly people - getting everything on one level, or putting in an elevator, eliminating steps/installing ramps, etc. might make sense. But probably not if they are barely making it financially. From one DIL to another I am going to caution you against pressing for any solution other than holding your ground that your family is not able to contribute in a financially significant way and supporting whatever your husband and his brother decide to do. My IL's owned a house a lot like your ILs. Not dilapidated, but dated and not elderly friendly. It was on a big piece of property so they decided to subdivide and build a smaller one level home on the smaller lot and sell the house and bigger lot. I didn't think it was a great idea for them to live next to their home of 50 years while it was being torn down, but it was my MIL's idea/effort. They tried to pick buyers that would keep the old house on some level and not raze it. The buyers they raved about kept two or three walls so they could claim it was in line with the historic look, etc. My IL's hired an estate sale company to take most of the furniture/belongings for sale and then the rest was supposed to be donated. That company pulled a dumpster up and started tossing everything in, which caused my MIL to get EXTREMELY upset. I felt really bad for her. I think at the end of the day my MIL was able to deal with all of that because she knew it was all her idea. For better or for worse, she had wanted this. The kids didn't want the house sold. My FIL wanted to put money into making it liveable for them as they aged, but my MIL was insistent that they sell it. She was probably right. They now split the year between their condo in FL and their old hometown. |
Anonymous
I have learned this very important lesson the hard way and I am fortune my parents planned financially for the future. They were/are (one has passed) stubborn, difficult and the living one is downright abusive. I have spent years being drained emotionally by someone childish and incapable and facing reality who is still deemed cognitively fine. Over a period of close to ten years where I too have gone from feeling overwhelming love and wanting to care for them and protect them to resentment and then just complete apathy. In my caseboth parents lived in total denial about their own parents so they really did not plan for what aging actually looks like. I am lucky I will be destroyed financially by them, but I let the living parent destroy me emotionally until I finally said enough. We have outside professionals involved with her. After enough rage fits from her I just have nothing left. She was eating alive me and my family and I have 2 kids, one with special needs and a husband with health issues. Selfishness and entitlement know no bounds. I spent so many years empathizing and making excuses for someone who has been utterly selfish and entitled my whole life I just refused to see it until it hit me in the face over and over. Make sure you you protect yourself and your family. I knew plenty of family members and friends who believed if you made countless sacrifices for others, God would reward you. They are all either dead, dying of cancer or coping with pretty debilitating auto-immune issues. |
Anonymous
| It amazes me how many insist on bullying their parents into doing what's best for them and not their parents. I'd much prefer to stay in my home and I'd support my parents doing so. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
A lot of skilled nursing facilities shut during the pandemic meaning people who would have gone to one before now are stuck in hospital until hospitals can get someone to assume care. That is why hospitals are pushing family members so hard. They need the bed space. |
Anonymous
Spoken like a super rich person. |
Anonymous
That’s not the case here but reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit. |
Anonymous
Well, support can have many meanings and is often used in this forum as financial. |
Anonymous
ITA with all the otherwise-excellent advice in this post except for this part about the amount budgeted. There's no reason to spend this much on burials and funerals! Embalming, expensive caskets, expensive vaults, all that is a huge scam perpetuated on the American people for the last 150+ years by the funeral industry. It's mind-boggling how predatory the funeral industry is, and how much money is literally thrown away on preserving bodies that are of no use to their former occupants anymore. Not to mention the insane amounts of pollution resulting from the toxic chemicals used in embalming. Much better to plan for minimalist death care and preserve as much money as possible for the surviving spouse to use during their own final years. Yes, put some of their money aside for this but it doesn't need to be nearly as high as $15,000. (And don't feel guilty if they don't put money aside about not blowing your own money for embalming, fancy coffins, etc. Nobody should shame you into wasting your own money this way.) |