Reply to Elderly in-laws refuse to sell house that needs $200k of work, are out of money, can’t get loan

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Folks in their 80’s with a $100K mortgage they can’t service, secured by a dwelling that is falling down around their ears, are not in a good place.

Hard as it may be, you should consider the admonition to “put on your own oxygen mask first.”  If you and your husband’s siblings get dragged down with his parents everybody loses.

[b]I wonder if you found a brand new place of manageable size, perhaps in a planned community with some amenities, you might be able to convince them that they’d be “trading up.”  This might be more effective than convincing them their sentiment-laden home isn’t suitable any more. They bought a good place. They enjoyed it. They built up equity. Now is the time to cash out and enjoy the fruits of their prudence. Bonus points if they already know somebody who lives there or near there. [/b]

I think there is software that you can use to generate illustrations of how their favorite chairs, etc., would look in the new place.

Another suggestion before selling would be to contact a lawyer who is a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys to perhaps incorporate Medicaid planning into any transaction. A residence that a person intends to return to (however unlikely it is that that would occur) is treated very differently than a bag of cash or something jointly owned. Assets can also move between spouses to qualify for nursing home help. I know this isn’t on the table right now, but given their age it could come up any time. [/quote]

As someone going through, same, the bolded will not helps. There is no rationale here. We have offered my parent FIVE, count them FIVE viable solutions including a home where they are that we own (so close that my mother’s “I don’t like the neighbors statement is ridiculous because she (a) never sees her own neighbors and (b) the house is about a mile from them in the SAME COMMUNITY), a downsize of their choice in their own community, a home we own as well in our community, a condo in our community nearby the home we own, or even the large walk out, bright 1200 square foot basement space in our own home complete with 3/4 kitchen and a 12 seat home theater. They act like in all situations, they will be slumming it. My parents are now out of money and almost totally incontinent. Both are housebound because they no longer can drive. My father would be stuck in bed if he didn’t rely on my disabled mother who can barely walk to get him up and dress him, for which she is deeply resentful. Both their doctors have tried talking to them. My father’s doctor literally screamed at him when he refused a walker and told him that when he falls, he will break a hip and end up in a nursing home, and no, he will not help my father leave the facility at that point. That’s the ONLY thing that got my father to try a walker.

So to think you can convince irrational people to do anything, is, well, irrational.

You think the medical community will help you? My cousin is dealing with her irrational 98 year old mother. The hospital wanted to send her home after an incident when she now needs round the clock care. Social worker went into bullying mode “Why can’t YOU do it? Surely there is room for her in YOUR house. No bathroom on the main floor? Why we have bedside commodes” etc etc. My cousin had to repeat like a mantra “I recently had a stroke. I cannot care for her full time” until they finally started helping my cousin find practical solutions at area facilities. My aunt at this point has only social security and my cousins can only afford part-time help. Before the fall, my aunt could be alone for periods of time because my cousin and her husband were 10 minutes away. BTW I experienced same sort of bullying. It’s a ‘thing’ now.

OP, again, do NOT get yourself into this UNLESS your in-laws are asking for and are willing to engage.[/quote]

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