Thank you, DCUM: parents and ILs weird with food

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure most of this behavior is age-related, but I wonder if at least some of it is passive-aggressive hosts wishing their multi-day houseguests would stop acting like they're at an all-inclusive resort and treat everybody to a meal out, or at least get out of the house for a bit and get yourself a meal while your host has some downtime.

Then throw tantrums because I don’t want to stay at your house because of crap like this! Stopped staying at ILs’ ten years ago. It’s so freeing.

I know many families with rural ILS won’t have this option, but it’s worked for us.

[Anonymous]

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LOL. I was never allowed to make food or gets snacks in my house growing up. Ever.

Ugh, I'm sorry and that's weird. Like Carrie weird.
Do you wanna grab some chips or a bowl of ice cream and talk it out here? We are here for you!

I don’t need to talk it out; what you need is awareness that People Are Different From You. So stop with your dismissive attitude and “easy fixes” when you post.

Dang, I'm not sure if you need a snack or a hug? Maybe both.

I am sure that you need perspective. A touch of class wouldn’t hurt, either, but if you don’t have it by now…

NP, and I was allowed to make food and get snacks, but I think talk it out poster sounds fun and I would happily down some Jeni's with you. Clearly traumatized poster isn't ready yet.

Thanks! Talk It Out Poster is different than the poster(s) (there are probably many) who are saying there are easy fixes, so that lash at her (me) was unwarranted. I just feel bad about a child who can't fix meals or make snacks. And I'm hoping that child is now a well-adjusted grown-up who can get what she wants when she wants (like my downfall, CHIPS!). I don't pretend to think it's easy for her to go back to that home or bring her children there. But this is a great thread to commiserate, advise. We get that not all advice fits all. But we helped OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I host able-bodied houseguests, I make it clear right up front that it's an "open fridge policy" in my house: I will cook and serve dinners, but breakfast and lunch are DIY/on your own so help yourselves; my kitchen will be fully stocked with standard breakfast and lunch fare. Ain't nobody got time to be cooking and cleaning up after able-bodied houseguests 3x a day.

AMEN.

Adults who are guests, can also cook a meal.

Please make your point using the term "able-bodied" repeatedly.

Other posters, you have your directions: When you visit the foodweird relatives, don't just bring food into the house. Knock down anyone who gets in your way as you head to the kitchen. If they tell you they're cooking dinner and you have to get out, throw an elbow. Make a new holiday tradition!

[Anonymous]

DH is a tall guy who runs a lot and usually eats like 4k calories a day (he's very thin, if that matters). When we went to visit my grandparents we'd sneak in a big cooler full of food and bags full of snacks, dried meat, nuts, protein bars. DH would gorge himself before every meal so that he could eat like a bird. It was comical and we had to sneak the trash bag out with the evidence on the last day.

I'll never forget a breakfast they served us: spoiled milk, brown pineapple rings that were served out of a old butter tub, "toast" which was hamburger buns pushed into a toaster and bacon which had just been defrosted. She just kept pulling out the worst food out of her fridge and it was all inedible. DH at least acted like it was the best meal she'd ever cooked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a tall guy who runs a lot and usually eats like 4k calories a day (he's very thin, if that matters). When we went to visit my grandparents we'd sneak in a big cooler full of food and bags full of snacks, dried meat, nuts, protein bars. DH would gorge himself before every meal so that he could eat like a bird. It was comical and we had to sneak the trash bag out with the evidence on the last day.

I'll never forget a breakfast they served us: spoiled milk, brown pineapple rings that were served out of a old butter tub, "toast" which was hamburger buns pushed into a toaster and bacon which had just been defrosted. She just kept pulling out the worst food out of her fridge and it was all inedible. DH at least acted like it was the best meal she'd ever cooked.

Well this sounds like you were trying not to hurt their feelings and they were just doing their best by you. It's not that they called you fat and kept you out of the kitchen. Your solution sounds sweet and I'm glad you had good laughs together.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the complaints about inlaws not "serving" you lunch. Cant you just open the frog and get something out? I wouldn't expect to be served multiple meals at someones house.

I don’t think you understand the dynamic with these older people. You can’t just open the fridge without horribly offending them and causing a family row. Nor can you bring the food. Which is why that one poster has to fake that she won the Harry and David gift basket.

I don't get this. Yes you can. Your spouse was their child. They grew up in that house opening the refrigerator and making themselves food when hungry when parents weren't cooking. But now as an adult they are too afraid to open the frig? Grow a backbone. This is insane.

LOL. I was never allowed to make food or gets snacks in my house growing up. Ever.

Ugh, I'm sorry and that's weird. Like Carrie weird.
Do you wanna grab some chips or a bowl of ice cream and talk it out here? We are here for you!

I don’t need to talk it out; what you need is awareness that People Are Different From You. So stop with your dismissive attitude and “easy fixes” when you post.

NP

Note to self: don’t try to be nice to someone on DCUM - they’ll just take it the wrong way and be a complete a$$hole in return.

PP I’m glad you weren’t allowed to have any chips!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure most of this behavior is age-related, but I wonder if at least some of it is passive-aggressive hosts wishing their multi-day houseguests would stop acting like they're at an all-inclusive resort and treat everybody to a meal out, or at least get out of the house for a bit and get yourself a meal while your host has some downtime.

In my case, no.
The inlaws would get very offended if you left the house for ANY reason. They lived within an hour or so of San Francisco and if you said you wanted to just go visit the city for a few hours you would get screamed at. "No! You're here to visit us!" One time we just wanted to get out of the house and said we were going to get coffee--again we were screamed at that we were crazy.

[Anonymous]

Was at my inlaws a few weeks ago and the coffee situation is just horrendous (food situation is not much better but DCUM has taught me to bring snacks). After trying to drink a cup full of grounds and questionable milk I just couldn't do it and was miserable. They live in the middle of no where but there is a McDonalds not too far away. I made up some excuse to leave and got a coffee at McDonalds and drank it in the parking lot. I will now add those instant coffee sticks to my snack bag. I'm also considering keeping a keurig in the closet of the guest room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the complaints about inlaws not "serving" you lunch. Cant you just open the frog and get something out? I wouldn't expect to be served multiple meals at someones house.

I don’t think you understand the dynamic with these older people. You can’t just open the fridge without horribly offending them and causing a family row. Nor can you bring the food. Which is why that one poster has to fake that she won the Harry and David gift basket.

I don't get this. Yes you can. Your spouse was their child. They grew up in that house opening the refrigerator and making themselves food when hungry when parents weren't cooking. But now as an adult they are too afraid to open the frig? Grow a backbone. This is insane.

LOL. I was never allowed to make food or gets snacks in my house growing up. Ever.

Ugh, I'm sorry and that's weird. Like Carrie weird.
Do you wanna grab some chips or a bowl of ice cream and talk it out here? We are here for you!

I don’t need to talk it out; what you need is awareness that People Are Different From You. So stop with your dismissive attitude and “easy fixes” when you post.

NP

Note to self: don’t try to be nice to someone on DCUM - they’ll just take it the wrong way and be a complete a$$hole in return.

PP I’m glad you weren’t allowed to have any chips!!!

Another NP. I think the poor poster who was not allowed snacks as a child thought the kind poster who offered to meet up for chips or ice cream was instead the clueless poster who keeps weighing (ha!) in with the easy fixes and “Grow a spine!” comments. That’s my charitable take anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was at my inlaws a few weeks ago and the coffee situation is just horrendous (food situation is not much better but DCUM has taught me to bring snacks). After trying to drink a cup full of grounds and questionable milk I just couldn't do it and was miserable. They live in the middle of no where but there is a McDonalds not too far away. I made up some excuse to leave and got a coffee at McDonalds and drank it in the parking lot. I will now add those instant coffee sticks to my snack bag. I'm also considering keeping a keurig in the closet of the guest room.

The Starbucks Via instant coffee line is surprisingly good.

[Anonymous]

Was visiting ILs and had plans to all go to the zoo together. I asked whether we would pack lunches or eat at the zoo restaurant and they looked at me like I had 3 heads. “We JUST ate!! No need for that!” Who expects kids to wander around the zoo all day and skip lunch?

[Anonymous]

I think for some elderly women, it's a dialectical problem: they are too tired/over it to cook and clean up, but also resent what they view as their role as nurturer in chief being taken away. So if no one eats, they can have a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for some elderly women, it's a dialectical problem: they are too tired/over it to cook and clean up, but also resent what they view as their role as nurturer in chief being taken away. So if no one eats, they can have a win-win.

Very insightful, PP. Makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was at my inlaws a few weeks ago and the coffee situation is just horrendous (food situation is not much better but DCUM has taught me to bring snacks). After trying to drink a cup full of grounds and questionable milk I just couldn't do it and was miserable. They live in the middle of no where but there is a McDonalds not too far away. I made up some excuse to leave and got a coffee at McDonalds and drank it in the parking lot. I will now add those instant coffee sticks to my snack bag. I'm also considering keeping a keurig in the closet of the guest room.

The Starbucks Via instant coffee line is surprisingly good.

I bought a $20 Mr Coffee and took it to my parents last time I visited. Keep it in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure most of this behavior is age-related, but I wonder if at least some of it is passive-aggressive hosts wishing their multi-day houseguests would stop acting like they're at an all-inclusive resort and treat everybody to a meal out, or at least get out of the house for a bit and get yourself a meal while your host has some downtime.

In my case, no.
The inlaws would get very offended if you left the house for ANY reason. They lived within an hour or so of San Francisco and if you said you wanted to just go visit the city for a few hours you would get screamed at. "No! You're here to visit us!" One time we just wanted to get out of the house and said we were going to get coffee--again we were screamed at that we were crazy.

Why didn’t you just pack up your things and leave at that point? There’s no reason to let yourself be abused that way.