Oldest sister jealous of me and DH. How to deal?

[Anonymous]

I’m the youngest sister of the family and have four siblings. We grew up pretty poor, and my oldest sister does the thing where she gets super jealous whenever my other siblings are successful and try to always one up them.

For example, my oldest sister had no intention of getting her MBA until my other brother got his, so she had to one up him and brag about how much of a better school she went to. Or one sibling moved abroad, so 4 months later, she moved abroad and bragged about it. Just very petty.

Me and my DH got married last year and were able to buy a new home. DH is a POC and grew up poor too, but makes pretty good money at a tech firm so we were able to build our dream home. So when my oldest sister comes over, it’s always discouraging comments about the street not being nice enough, certain rooms not being big enough. But then she asks me odd questions like “how did your DH afford this? He’s hispanic”. Or the latest one was “You won’t be able to keep him, he’s going to leave you and find someone else who has money!” Of course, my oldest sister lives alone with 2 cats and is pushing 50 in an apartment, which is nothing wrong with that, but she thinks it is in her mind.

It’s getting to the point where she mocks our DS and claims he won’t be successful because he’s mixed race. And that one was the last straw. So I’m actively avoiding her calls. How would you handle this? I don’t want to cut her off from my life because she’s my sister, but what the hell? It drives me nuts and she gives me so much anxiety with her racist and classist comments.

[Anonymous]

Have you called her out on her behavior? It won't change unless you point it out to her and let her know you won't tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

Why would you have her in your home? The second she said something like that, she’s be directed to leave. I’m not clear why you’re putting up with this. How is it even a question that you would have contact with her? So what if she’s family???

[Anonymous]

You deal by cutting her off. Repeated racist remarks towards my DH or my children would get any family member cut out of my life, and it doesn't even sound like you're close with this sister. I can't believe this is even a question.

[Anonymous]

You give as good as you get. Then look her in the face and tell her enough with the comments.

Respond with don't worry when dh leaves me I'll come live with you and we can both be miserable and jealous. As for your son not being successful respond with remember he's his father's son so no worries he'll keep finding woman who are richer to support him.

[Anonymous]

You have to confront her and face the consequences. If not, she will continue doing it for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

The insecure nonsense, I'd be breezy and never answer with real details. Like "how do you afford this?" you say "oh you know, save and budget like anything you want to buy. Do you want a seltzer?"

But the second she gets racist, you show her the door. "I wont' tolerate that in my house".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the youngest sister of the family and have four siblings. We grew up pretty poor, and my oldest sister does the thing where she gets super jealous whenever my other siblings are successful and try to always one up them.

For example, my oldest sister had no intention of getting her MBA until my other brother got his, so she had to one up him and brag about how much of a better school she went to. Or one sibling moved abroad, so 4 months later, she moved abroad and bragged about it. Just very petty.

Me and my DH got married last year and were able to buy a new home. DH is a POC and grew up poor too, but makes pretty good money at a tech firm so we were able to build our dream home. So when my oldest sister comes over, it’s always discouraging comments about the street not being nice enough, certain rooms not being big enough. But then she asks me odd questions like “how did your DH afford this? He’s hispanic”. Or the latest one was “You won’t be able to keep him, he’s going to leave you and find someone else who has money!” Of course, my oldest sister lives alone with 2 cats and is pushing 50 in an apartment, which is nothing wrong with that, but she thinks it is in her mind.

It’s getting to the point where she mocks our DS and claims he won’t be successful because he’s mixed race. And that one was the last straw. So I’m actively avoiding her calls. How would you handle this? I don’t want to cut her off from my life because she’s my sister, but what the hell? It drives me nuts and she gives me so much anxiety with her racist and classist comments.

you have to cut this person out of your life to protect your child. Im sorry, it will be hard, but you have to. I know others who have had to do something similiar with racist relatives once they married someone of a different race.

[Anonymous]

So instead of creating a thread about how racist she is, which is the mammoth in the room (forget about the elephant), you complain that she minimizes your financial achievements?

I mean, it's terrible of YOU to let her say those things. I hope you're cutting her off because of her racist views. The rest isn't even comparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you called her out on her behavior? It won't change unless you point it out to her and let her know you won't tolerate it.

It might also never change even if you do point it out to her. Not saying not to point it out, but the comment to your child would have been the last straw for me. You say you don't want to cut her out so explain why what she said was problematic and that if she does it again you will cut her off. And then, for crying out loud, please do so if she says something disgusting like that to your child again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you have her in your home? The second she said something like that, she’s be directed to leave. I’m not clear why you’re putting up with this. How is it even a question that you would have contact with her? So what if she’s family???

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the youngest sister of the family and have four siblings. We grew up pretty poor, and my oldest sister does the thing where she gets super jealous whenever my other siblings are successful and try to always one up them.

For example, my oldest sister had no intention of getting her MBA until my other brother got his, so she had to one up him and brag about how much of a better school she went to. Or one sibling moved abroad, so 4 months later, she moved abroad and bragged about it. Just very petty.

Me and my DH got married last year and were able to buy a new home. DH is a POC and grew up poor too, but makes pretty good money at a tech firm so we were able to build our dream home. So when my oldest sister comes over, it’s always discouraging comments about the street not being nice enough, certain rooms not being big enough. But then she asks me odd questions like “how did your DH afford this? He’s hispanic”. Or the latest one was “You won’t be able to keep him, he’s going to leave you and find someone else who has money!” Of course, my oldest sister lives alone with 2 cats and is pushing 50 in an apartment, which is nothing wrong with that, but she thinks it is in her mind.

It’s getting to the point where she mocks our DS and claims he won’t be successful because he’s mixed race. And that one was the last straw. So I’m actively avoiding her calls. How would you handle this? I don’t want to cut her off from my life because she’s my sister, but what the hell? It drives me nuts and she gives me so much anxiety with her racist and classist comments.

Honestly the fact that she's racist and spent the bulk of this post on what you perceive as her jealousy of your financial position is deeply strange to me. My DH is black and our kids are mixed race and if anyone said anything one-tenth as blatantly racist as your sister's comments I wouldn't have to crowdsource my reaction.

[Anonymous]

If your sister is like mine she will gaslight if you confront, but it's worth trying. Now I just distance myself. She is not invited over. If she is rude at a family function I get away from her. My mother tries to make me be friends with my much older sister and will gaslight me about her behavior despite it getting her into trouble with extended family. So I just get away when mom does that. Life is too short for jerks. Give her a chance to stop by calling her out and then have major boundaries. Miserable people say and do miserable things.

[Anonymous]

Rude behavior doesn't get a pass just because it's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The insecure nonsense, I'd be breezy and never answer with real details. Like "how do you afford this?" you say "oh you know, save and budget like anything you want to buy. Do you want a seltzer?"

But the second she gets racist, you show her the door. "I wont' tolerate that in my house".

This is the only option. You can decide yourself to take abuse, but not your child (or your DH who is is also subject to her racism). By handwringing on this, you are essentially saying you'd rather your child and spouse suffer racist abuse so that you don't have to stand up to your mean big sister.