When your teen is immature for age
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Anonymous
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My 16yo daughter is immature for her age. There are a number of reasons, but at some point, it is what it is.
She is was in a gifted program through middle school. There is often an expectation that gifted girls are mature for their age, but she is not. Because of this expectation, many adults have given her a lot of leniency. Additionally, her friends are gifted and fairly mature, so their parents allow them to make a lot of their own choices. DH and I are constantly torn on how to raise DD. She basically wants the privileges of being 17/18, but she often acts likes she’s 13. We don’t know when to let her make choices and experience natural consequences or when to make decisions for her. She doesn’t properly connect the consequences with her actions, though, so she doesn’t learn from them the way we would hope. Also, many consequences affect the whole family, financially or otherwise. Like, maybe she wouldn’t need so much tutoring if she got enough sleep. She has decided she wants to go to art school, but she spends her time on an expensive unrelated EC, and wants to do more of the EC. She wants to learn to drive, but doesn’t meet our base requirements for driving lessons. She says it’s ok because she doesn’t have time for driving lessons anyway. We’re trying to get all of driver’s Ed done this summer (classroom, on the road, finish 45 parent hours, etc) so it doesn’t interfere with junior year workload. She says she can do even more if her EC next year, because she will be driving by then. HOW. She can’t even park or put the car in reverse yet. How will she be driving and with which car?? Haha, can you tell we had a fight at 6am this morning? But in general, we don’t know when to let her fail and when to step in. Moreover, we don’t know if there’s a way to speed up the maturity process as these are critical years coming up… |
Anonymous
| A car is not an entitlement, neither is “art school” for college. |
Anonymous
| My daughter did not get her license until she was almost 19. Summer after senior year. Driving was really hard for her. |
Anonymous
This is OP. Thank you, but that’s not the issue. She’s only been in the driver’s seat twice so far. She has deprioritized learning to drive, yet seems to think she will be driving herself around come fall. 7:11 - absolutely. DH and I can’t wrap our heads around why she doesn’t get this. She’s not getting a car, period. She will need to share with us, and she doesn’t seem to “get” the dynamics of that (she can’t make commitments that require her to use the car all day every Saturday). Of course we can refuse to pay for art school, but our concern is more that she’s not focusing on art as her primary EC. How exactly is she going yo build her portfolio? Yes, we can let her fail to reach these goals. It seems fatalistic to throw her hands up, stop investing in her (time and money wise) and decide she’s going to community college. 1. We have time - what can we do to help her grow between it and then? 2. I really want her out if the house for college. There is a younger sibling, and for the sake of our family dynamic, we need big sis to go away for school. |
Anonymous
| Give us some examples of her immaturity besides these choices she's making of deprioritizing driving. Can she go to a coffee shop and order her own drink? Can she navigate a grocery store for a few items? How are her friendships? |
Anonymous
This is pp. What helping my dd before she could successfully drive was getting a pt-job that was walking distance. That helped her mature in a lot of ways I think. She worked year-round but only about 7 hours/week, did not work more than that even in the summer until recently. |
Anonymous
| Tell her to get a job this summer. Retail, fast food, that kind of stuff - she'll mature real fast. |
Anonymous
I’m sleep deprived and angry at the moment, so I’m not sure if I can give concrete examples. Order coffee, yes, with a friend. Grocery store - not sure, probably variable. She has social anxiety and inattentive ADHD, so that’s the sort of thing that would depend on her overall stress level, mood, etc. Friendships - good She’s got social anxiety, inattentive ADHD, and memory issues. And she’s gifted, though she’s struggling more now to produce high quality work compared to when she was younger. She’s on all the psych meds she can handle. We’re currently on a wait list for a new therapist. She’s burned through numerous ones in the past. DH and I are currently frustrated by her seeming inability to connect her daily actions with meeting her longer term goals (or not). She recently decided to focus on her service hours. She will grind away at service instead of studying for a test. So she’s often working hard, but it’s misdirected. And yes, she had a job last summer. Summer jobs tend to focus on immediate needs and immediate tasks - she can do those. It’s the “actions today impact your choices in two years” that doesn’t seem to stick. She sleeps for 5 hours/night and then can’t focus at school. She thinks that because of her age, she doesn’t need a bedtime… DH and I don’t know how to set our expectations for her behavior. She’s over sensitive to criticism, so my calmly but firmly redirecting her is interpreted as I’m yelling at her. Ugh, I probably should have posted this in the special needs forum. |
Anonymous
| What is EC? |
Anonymous
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Given her areas of disability, maybe hiring an executive function coach who can help her with developing systems and planning-so it's not just mom and dad nagging. I think you may be asking for a level of future thinking and planning for which she is not developmentally ready. All you can really do is help her get support and give her time.
It seems like you are engaging in some catastrophic thinking. She is a bright, involved kid, who has successfully held a job. So she doesn't have a portfolio ready, well that means she isn't going to a strong art school, but there are thousands of strong colleges with good art programs she can still apply to, or she can do two years at cc and build her portfolio. |
Anonymous
| I am no therapist, but it seems to me that the ADHD is the root problem here. Her being gifted can’t compensate for schoolwork, sleep and organizing her life. This is different from immaturity. Does she have a therapist or executive functioning coach? I would put driving on the back burner for now. What’s the rush? |
Anonymous
extracurricular activity |
Anonymous
+1 I would also suggest you revise your idea of 'success'. Two of my kids have ADHD/anxiety. Their psychiatrist gave me some great advice - focus on getting them through high school without depression and without a substance abuse issue. Everything else can be fixed after that. My oldest (19) is bright but, like your DD, struggled to identify priorities and the 'critical path'. He also didn't do well connecting current actions with future outcomes or delayed gratification. He, too, was on therapeutic doses of ADHD/anxiety medications. Early on in high school, we made clear to him our expectations regarding college - he needed to demonstrate he could be successful living away from home and doing what he needed to do in college. We then identified what behaviors we needed to see. It wasn't about maintaining a GPA but about managing his time, completing his assignments on time and self-advocating. DS had a lot of support but, at the time, he didn't see the importance of demonstrating these behaviors. As a result, we had little confidence he'd be successful going away for school. He chose to go to community college rather than join the military or work full time or get an apprenticeship. Same DS didn't get his drivers' license until he was 18. When he was in 10th grade drivers ed, he made no effort to get a learner's permit. We don't need him to drive. His senior year, all his friends were driving and he was feeling left behind. He then made the effort to study and get hours behind the week. I recognize you want so much for your DD and she's capable of the work. But, you can't want it more than she does and you can't do the work for her. Lay out what your expectations/requirements are and make sure she understands them. You can support her but she needs to demonstrate she's willing to do the work. Oh - and there's nothing wrong with community college. I've been really impressed with the in-person instructors and it's excellent, excellent value. My DS has made some nice friends and it's been a positive experience for him. |
Anonymous
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Going to be contrarian here (though I did like the post at 12:14 above). Rewards for responsible behavior, punishments for irresponsible behavior. You've coddled your DD enough. Don't let her (or you) use her ADHD or other disabilities as an excuse for irresponsible behavior.
For the record, I have a daughter with ADHD issues and social anxiety. We've burned through therapists (who coddled her) and she's on medication to help her focus. She's also irresponsible at times, but I don't let her get away with it. She has to learn there are consequences for her actions (or inactions). Over the past several years, I've realized one critical fact of life - helping your kids grow into mature, responsible adults is your #1 job as a parent. You can't outsource it to therapists or executive functioning coach while you chase your career. No therapist, coach, or medication will take the place of a parent who is caring and nurturing, but also firm. |