Dealing with Unvaccinated family pt. 2

[Anonymous]

Didn't want to take away from the other thread so I'm posting here.

I'd love to get a temperature check on this family situation.

Time frame: Spring 2021

Environment: COVID still very unknown, 1st vaccine doses out, masks still being worn by most outside

Parties involved: My family (5 month old newborn, a 5 year old, and parents), my sibling's family (same approximate ages of family members), and my 70+ parents

Situation: My parents and sibling/in-law don't believe in vaccinating, are COVID deniers. At this point none of them have the 1st shot. They all were very aggressive in demanding to know 'why we care so much' and 'what we are afraid of'. We are supposed to see said family on a particular weekend. My DS and I decided to attempt to control the variables by saying we'd visit them (about 2 hours away) and it would be outside with social distance and masks. There was a lot of pressure for this visit because we had been keeping our distance.

Week of the weekend visit, my 5 month old has an emergency hospital overnight stay for a serious health condition. We were obviously distraught and exhausted. We weren't allowing anyone to help us in the house still because of COVID and we were terrified for all of our health, especially my 5 month old.

But - we didn't want to cancel on our family because we wanted to show our willingness to compromise.

We get to my DS house and my sibling/in-law refuse to wear masks. Refuse to make their child of mask-wearing-age wear a mask. They start an argument in front of the children. My DC 5 starts crying. Refuse to acknowledge our fears and concerns. My parents, who are right there, refuse to acknowledge anything going on.
To add insult to injury, they then have friends show up who also aren't wearing masks. We help our DC calm down and then make a quiet exit.

They have no idea why we are upset. They threatened us by saying we are angry and demanding and when we're ready to come around, they may not want us. My parents claim they have no idea what happened or that my DC was upset. They claim my DC 5 months was never at risk and I am overly sensitive and am being ridiculous.

There have been many things that have happened in our relationship but I can't seem to get past this one. For me it feels like this was the last step, that I can't believe my family would do this to me. How could they not care that we had just spent a night in the hospital with my 5 month old under emergency circumstances?

But now, almost a year later, I can't decide if I'm over reacting.

Trying to gauge my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Why are you rehashing crap from a year ago? That is NUTS. You wound up in an unsafe environment, so you left as quickly as possible. What is there to think about?

You have a one year old - aren't you busy with that?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused- I thought young said this visit would be outside. When you got there did you ultimately decide to move inside? Otherwise I don’t understand the parts about wearing masks.

[Anonymous]

This people sound toxic, OP. Sounds like they're punishing you for your beliefs, frightening your child, and unsupportive/insensitive. Why do you want to spend time with people who treat you badly and why would you expose your kids to this?

Plus, your 5-month-old is in the hospital and you still felt compelled to go visit your family? Is your loyalty and responsibility to your birth family first, before your own children? At the risk of your own children?

You know how they act, they aren't going to change, so you should stop seeing them. See a therapist to help you sort this out -- it sounds pretty toxic.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense. Why is everyone your "DS"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes no sense. Why is everyone your "DS"?

OP here, sorry, didn't realize that

"Dear Spouse" and "Dear Sibling"

We were outside masked because at the time that was the protocol level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you rehashing crap from a year ago? That is NUTS. You wound up in an unsafe environment, so you left as quickly as possible. What is there to think about?

You have a one year old - aren't you busy with that?

I am busy. Which is why dealing with it is exhausting. I was just asking for a gut check because it's really affected our relationship. I didn't think I was rehashing "crap" since there's been no resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't want to take away from the other thread so I'm posting here.

I'd love to get a temperature check on this family situation.

Time frame: Spring 2021

Environment: COVID still very unknown, 1st vaccine doses out, masks still being worn by most outside

Parties involved: My family (5 month old newborn, a 5 year old, and parents), my sibling's family (same approximate ages of family members), and my 70+ parents

Situation: My parents and sibling/in-law don't believe in vaccinating, are COVID deniers. At this point none of them have the 1st shot. They all were very aggressive in demanding to know 'why we care so much' and 'what we are afraid of'. We are supposed to see said family on a particular weekend. My DS and I decided to attempt to control the variables by saying we'd visit them (about 2 hours away) and it would be outside with social distance and masks. There was a lot of pressure for this visit because we had been keeping our distance.

Week of the weekend visit, my 5 month old has an emergency hospital overnight stay for a serious health condition. We were obviously distraught and exhausted. We weren't allowing anyone to help us in the house still because of COVID and we were terrified for all of our health, especially my 5 month old.

But - we didn't want to cancel on our family because we wanted to show our willingness to compromise.

We get to my DS house and my sibling/in-law refuse to wear masks. Refuse to make their child of mask-wearing-age wear a mask. They start an argument in front of the children. My DC 5 starts crying. Refuse to acknowledge our fears and concerns. My parents, who are right there, refuse to acknowledge anything going on.
To add insult to injury, they then have friends show up who also aren't wearing masks. We help our DC calm down and then make a quiet exit.

They have no idea why we are upset. They threatened us by saying we are angry and demanding and when we're ready to come around, they may not want us. My parents claim they have no idea what happened or that my DC was upset. They claim my DC 5 months was never at risk and I am overly sensitive and am being ridiculous.

There have been many things that have happened in our relationship but I can't seem to get past this one. For me it feels like this was the last step, that I can't believe my family would do this to me. How could they not care that we had just spent a night in the hospital with my 5 month old under emergency circumstances?

But now, almost a year later, I can't decide if I'm over reacting.

Trying to gauge my thoughts.

Ok, right off the bat the reader can tell that you are not dealing with reality, but spring of 2021 was nothing like that. Covid was VERY MUCH "known" and very few people were wearing masks outdoors--in fact it was spring of 2021 that most areas removed mask requirements INDOORS.

If you knew your 5 month old had a serious health emergency why in the world would you go through with travel plans? That is on YOU. Your family was not unreasonable at being unwilling to mask in their own home. Your parents "refused to acknowledge what was going on" because they were absolutely mortified at your behavior and were trying to not make things even worse.

[Anonymous]

There's a war going on. Climate change. Inflation. Please let crap from a year ago go.

[Anonymous]

This is crazy. You’re likely upset that you pushed masking so much and didn’t have any clue that they are largely ineffective. I’d feel dumb too. Your extreme emotions about all of this are likely due to the fact that you were fooled and now realize it. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you're dwelling on this, OP. I don't think this is so much about COVID (although just their behavior regarding it is appalling) but about boundaries. They didn't respect your boundaries regarding the gathering last year and they try to gaslight you about it. I suspect this is just one example of many.

My advice is to learn more about boundaries (they are your friends), how to set them, maintain them and to manage the guilt you're likely to feel having them. It's hard to unlearn lessons of a life time.

[Anonymous]

Respectfully, you were being unreasonable. Having little kids during a pandemic is incredibly stressful. So many uncertainties. The DC area is suuuper risk-averse. Liberal elite blue city + anxious helicopter mom types = perfect storm. I was unreasonable in 2021 too. Drive two hours away in any direction and pandemic life looks a lot different. Once we started traveling again, I realized this.

Apologize and move forward, OP. I know it’s hard. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is crazy. You’re likely upset that you pushed masking so much and didn’t have any clue that they are largely ineffective. I’d feel dumb too. Your extreme emotions about all of this are likely due to the fact that you were fooled and now realize it. Sorry.

I’ll add that I have a hunch your COVID denying family members are alive and well. That probably angers you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Respectfully, you were being unreasonable. Having little kids during a pandemic is incredibly stressful. So many uncertainties. The DC area is suuuper risk-averse. Liberal elite blue city + anxious helicopter mom types = perfect storm. I was unreasonable in 2021 too. Drive two hours away in any direction and pandemic life looks a lot different. Once we started traveling again, I realized this.

Apologize and move forward, OP. I know it’s hard. BTDT.

This! Sorry OP but you lost your mind over covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you're dwelling on this, OP. I don't think this is so much about COVID (although just their behavior regarding it is appalling) but about boundaries. They didn't respect your boundaries regarding the gathering last year and they try to gaslight you about it. I suspect this is just one example of many.

My advice is to learn more about boundaries (they are your friends), how to set them, maintain them and to manage the guilt you're likely to feel having them. It's hard to unlearn lessons of a life time.

OP here - Thank you for your input. This is exactly how I'm feeling about it. It is one example of many issues regarding respect and boundaries and I do feel awful establishing them.