How to handle sleep routine differences with spouse?
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Anonymous
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After years of assuming I was tired because of having a young child, I decided I should just go to bed earlier. I've been trying to go to bed at 10 or 10:30 the past few nights, but the evening looks something like this:
6:30 I put child to bed after we eat early dinner 6:30-7pm spouse gets home 7ish spouse showers, eats dinner 7:30-9p I watch TV, figure out what I need to do the next day, complete little things I didn't get to during the day. Spouse lays in bed - takes a nap, plays video games, or does hobby work. by 10pm, I'm brushing my teeth, getting ready to go to bed. 10:30-12am Spouse wants to work out (treadmill is in the room with wall shared by master bedroom, and he is over 200lbs so it shakes the ground too). Spouse comes into master bedroom to get new clothes, showers again, gets changed again, goes back out to living room to watch TV. 12-1am Spouse comes to bed to sleep. 4-5am, Spouse gets up to go to bathroom. 6am, I wake up because child gets up to use bathroom. Once I am awake, I can't go back to sleep. This schedule is a little different when we spend time together or have dates together, obviously, but on these mundane weeknights, I'd like to be able to sleep without waking up 3-4 times at night. I wake up every time he comes into the room. I've asked him to workout before 10pm, but he wants to relax and unwind before exercising. Any advice from people who are on different schedules from their spouse? He doesn't feel the need to go to bed early because he is able to take naps, which I cannot do. It's also tough because we have one bathroom! |
Anonymous
| I think your request that he workout before 10 is very reasonable. He get everything he needs from the room before you go to bed so that he is only disturbing you once when he goes to bed for the night. If he wants to run after 10 o’clock, he can run outside instead of on the treadmill. Maybe you should try disturbing him repeatedly during his naps (unless you have a DH like mine who can sleep through absolutely anything). |
Anonymous
| Move the treadmill. He should use a different bathroom to shower in after 10 p.m. and get his clothes beforehand. This is not that hard to figure out. |
Anonymous
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Spouse can’t nap at 8 pm. That’s insane.
He works out before 10 pm or not at all. It might not be his favorite, but too bad. |
Anonymous
This is part of the problem. It's a small place. There one hall bathroom. The treadmill can't be moved, either. Clothes beforehand yes, I've asked him to do this but he forgets. |
Anonymous
He doesn't think it's insane, I think it's... unusual. He grew up in a nap family. His mother shuts herself in the room in the afternoon to nap at 2-4pm. He thinks it's insane that I find it difficult to nap myself. But he thinks it's understandable that he naps in the evening and on weekends because he is tired. I think he's tired because he goes to bed too late. |
Anonymous
I find it difficult to just forbid him to workout late. He is working on his physical activity, so I think he feels he needs the early evening to rest, relax, and then psych himself up to be able to workout. Personally I would choose to work out earlier in the evening, but I don't feel like I can force him to workout early when he doesn't want to. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry but the way you handled this is to sit down and have a conversation about the fact that he’s acting like an entitled asshole and he needs to make some changes so that you can get some sleep and properly care for your child. |
Anonymous
I think "I can't workout after 10pm" would basically mean "I can't workout at all except on weekends maybe" to him. |
Anonymous
| How about he joins a 24 hour gym, showers at the gym and comes home just to slip into bed? |
Anonymous
I asked him yesterday to sit down with me and talk about what we can do. Posting here to get some feedback and some ideas. If everyone posted and said "Hey, stop being an ahole, your spouse just wants to relax after work instead of running for 20 minutes" or "I nap right after work all the time" then that would be new info to me. |
Anonymous
He is worried about safety. Plus if he had to leave the house to workout he would never workout. That was part of the point of getting the treadmill. Showering outside of the house is a great idea, but I suspect even if he felt safe enough to join a gym, he would shower at home. |
Anonymous
| So every single need/preference of his comes before yours? That doesn't make sense and it's inconsiderate. He's going to have to give on something. He may not "want" to work out earlier but you also don't want to get woken up multiple times a night and that's detrimental to your health. Can he wake up earlier and work out? He's acting like he lives alone.... |
Anonymous
| I'm a night owl but have adapted to my DH's routine (go to bed at 10p, wake up by 6a). It feels much healthier and gives us ample adult-only time now that we have a child. Your DH's midnight exercise routine is honestly weird. |
Anonymous
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Is your spouse even apart of your family?? He gets home after dinner and after your kid goes to bed. He takes a nap instead of spending time with you. And then he's working out while you're sleeping. All of this is insane.
Dh and I get home at 5pm (we start work at 7-8am). We hang out with our kids, eat dinner as a family, play together and then the kids go to bed by 7:30/8pm. Then we're both doing chores together until 10:30pm. I go to bed and am asleep by 11pm while dh fools around on his Iphone. I refuse to wake up to take a kid to the bathroom either. |