Controlling mother in law? Or something else?

[Anonymous]

Whenever my mother in law comes over, she brings a huge box and other things with her so she feels more comfortable in our home. She brings her own toilet paper, dishes, vase, etc. i think it’s rude. Do you think it’s her needing to be in control? She also loves to cook but never cleans up after herself. When she’s coming over I tell her there’s no need to bring any food. I do this because she uses this opportunity to bring ingredients over to cook. She even brings over cooking devices to use, which we already have. Do I say something to her?

[Anonymous]

Hard to say, but maybe anxiety? Or you have really, really scratchy toilet paper!

What does your spouse say about her behavior? Has she always been like this? Is she like this when she visits other places? Does she not travel much? Does she have a history of poverty and unmet needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say, but maybe anxiety? Or you have really, really scratchy toilet paper!

What does your spouse say about her behavior? Has she always been like this? Is she like this when she visits other places? Does she not travel much? Does she have a history of poverty and unmet needs?

He thinks she’s controlling and she’s always been like this. He says she’s like this with family in general. No she doesn’t travel much. We live in the same town. And yes I would says she has a history of poverty (not much though). She’s been comfortable most of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say, but maybe anxiety? Or you have really, really scratchy toilet paper!

What does your spouse say about her behavior? Has she always been like this? Is she like this when she visits other places? Does she not travel much? Does she have a history of poverty and unmet needs?

He thinks she’s controlling and she’s always been like this. He says she’s like this with family in general. No she doesn’t travel much. We live in the same town. And yes I would says she has a history of poverty (not much though). She’s been comfortable most of her life.

So if she's just like this, I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about her quirk of hauling stuff with her. I might occasionally comment. "Oh, Barbara, no need to bring your own microwave, we've got one that works really well!" "Oh, Barbara, don't you like our toilet paper? I'm happy to buy whichever brand you prefer so you can keep a roll in the guest bathroom."

If her cooking in your house bothers you, I'd have your DH ask her not it. You should stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

I find the dishes and vase really strange, but TP not so much. If she gets fissures or is sensitive there, she needs the softest stuff. I bring my own to hotels.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's not personal. It's just the way she is. If anyone should say anything, let it be your H.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like anxiety causing a need for feeling in control. I wouldn’t take it personally, but do feel free to ask her to help clean up if she is cooking!

[Anonymous]

How long is she staying??

[Anonymous]

I think it’s one of those things here you shrug your shoulders and laugh.

[Anonymous]

I'd just view it as a quirk of her mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Invite her A LOT less. Have your husband ask her re: any weird stuff she does - - not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever my mother in law comes over, she brings a huge box and other things with her so she feels more comfortable in our home. She brings her own toilet paper, dishes, vase, etc. i think it’s rude. Do you think it’s her needing to be in control? She also loves to cook but never cleans up after herself. When she’s coming over I tell her there’s no need to bring any food. I do this because she uses this opportunity to bring ingredients over to cook. She even brings over cooking devices to use, which we already have. Do I say something to her?

It seems she has some psychological issue and feels comfortable with things she is used to. If it’s not creating big problems for you then just let her. If its a problem for you, rationally and politely discuss why she shouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Old people often feel uncomfortable using new things, specially if they are complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like anxiety causing a need for feeling in control. I wouldn’t take it personally, but do feel free to ask her to help clean up if she is cooking!

Yes! As an anxious person myself who had an anxious mother and mother-in-law, I can attest to anxiety driving one to over-control one's circumstances. In which case, I suggest the following steps:
1) Remember this is not about you so don't take it personally. She treats everyone the same way.
2) You can't change her but you can set the boundaries that you need for yourself and your family.
3) Setting boundaries can give you the space you need in order to let yourself feel compassion for someone who is so stressed inside that they are bringing everything they own with them. But you need to set the boundaries first!
4) Finally, be aware of the possibility of genetic predispositions being passed down. I warned my kid about the possibility of addiction since it ran in the family but it didn't occur to me that she might also inherit bad anxiety, which is also rampant in the family. I wish I'd realized that sooner!

Good luck with this! Hope things get better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever my mother in law comes over, she brings a huge box and other things with her so she feels more comfortable in our home. She brings her own toilet paper, dishes, vase, etc. i think it’s rude. Do you think it’s her needing to be in control? She also loves to cook but never cleans up after herself. When she’s coming over I tell her there’s no need to bring any food. I do this because she uses this opportunity to bring ingredients over to cook. She even brings over cooking devices to use, which we already have. Do I say something to her?

If it’s not a big deal, don’t bother. If it’s building resentment, it better to tell your husband that you don’t want to dread her visits so he should bring it up to her and find some suitable solution. Its not only good for you but them as well. A good family should be able to rationally find solutions for problems which may effect their happiness.