Controlling mother in law? Or something else?

[Anonymous]

It's weird, but aside from the not cleaning up, I don't think it's worth talking to her about. Maybe offer your DH the choice of cleaning or telling her she has to clean.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for all your great replies. I won’t say anything to her. It doesn’t bother me that much that I can’t live with it.

She lives nearby but likes to stay over sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long is she staying??

She lives nearby. She likes staying over sometimes. If she stays over or just visits briefly she brings a lot of things to our house.

[Anonymous]

My MIL used to bring us meat every time they came to visit. From NJ. Even once on a train. Pots of meatballs, ribs, etc. I think they were trying to be helpful but it was so weird. I finally just made a joke of it with my husband and now we laugh about it, but it used to really bother me. I saw it as a criticism of my stuff ("she thinks my food isn't good enough"). Once I saw it as HER need, not a critique, it was easier to laugh at it, and I got some good meals out of it!

[Anonymous]

If it really bothers you, voice it in a kind manner and suggest alternatives, don’t let resentment take over the dynamics.

[Anonymous]

A vase??? I don’t understand any situation where this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Controlling behavior often comes from anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say, but maybe anxiety? Or you have really, really scratchy toilet paper!

What does your spouse say about her behavior? Has she always been like this? Is she like this when she visits other places? Does she not travel much? Does she have a history of poverty and unmet needs?

He thinks she’s controlling and she’s always been like this. He says she’s like this with family in general. No she doesn’t travel much. We live in the same town. And yes I would says she has a history of poverty (not much though). She’s been comfortable most of her life.

So there's your answer. And it dictates your response - that you need to treat her with kindness and respect her choices. It sounds like she has some untreated mental health issues. So give her (and yourself) a break, and just let her be. You can be a better person, can't you, OP????

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she needs some sympathy OP. Is she seeing a therapist or a doctor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs some sympathy OP. Is she seeing a therapist or a doctor?

NP here. It is close to impossible getting people like this to get treatment for their mental health. Sympathy runs out really quickly after you have to put up with their behavior.

[Anonymous]

There is no possible scenario where bringing this up will be anything but a bad idea. Just remind yourself, this isn’t about you or your house. She’s anxious and should be pitied. Shrug it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say, but maybe anxiety? Or you have really, really scratchy toilet paper!

What does your spouse say about her behavior? Has she always been like this? Is she like this when she visits other places? Does she not travel much? Does she have a history of poverty and unmet needs?

He thinks she’s controlling and she’s always been like this. He says she’s like this with family in general. No she doesn’t travel much. We live in the same town. And yes I would says she has a history of poverty (not much though). She’s been comfortable most of her life.

Well, isn't such controlling behavior due to anxiety most commonly? How was she comfortable most of her life if she knows poverty? You mean comfortable in adulthood?
My mom was a preemie, born right after WWII in Europe, and she insists on getting an insane amount of food in the fridge when she visits. I let it go since it is just for a visit.

[Anonymous]

Is she a good cook? DO you all enjoy what she makes?

[Anonymous]

It could just be anxiety/comfort/desire for control. The only no-go is not cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. But even then, in my house, the rule is that if I cook, DH cleans and vice versa. So if she's cooking for your whole family, I don't think leaving the clean-up for DH/you is really that bad.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, its weird but as long as she takes all her stuff home with her and doesn't try to give it you or store it at your house, I'd let it go.