Reply to Child wants to live with dad

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[quote=Anonymous]I disagree with PPs.  I think it's pretty normal for kids to test boundaries, particularly in the tweens and teens.

Do you have a custody agreement?  There is a reason that courts favor having kids split time between parents -- a relationship with both parents is important.

I am the parent who has rules.  exDH does not.  This definitely irritated exDH and, to a lesser extent, the kids.  Now both kids are in HS and college, and they have each commented separately that dad did not know how to take care of them and they cannot rely on him, but they know that I cared for them and they can rely on me.  So, at the end of the day, they recognized that some rules are important, even though they didn't like them at the time. TBH, I had full custody and though they were upset at me at times, they never asked to live full time with dad.  They did have 50/50 visitation.

Honestly, I would say to the child -- I love you and dad loves you and we are both your parents and both want to spend time with you and we both have a responsibility to raise you.  It's true that sometimes parents have different styles.  I have rules that I think are helpful to keep you safe and to help you grow into being a responsible adult. Maybe you feel like you are old enough not to need some of my rules.  Or maybe you find it confusing to have different rules at different houses.  I am open to discussing rules with you.  But, both dad and I will continue to see you.

I would just leave it at that.

Try to get your own therapist so you have someone to sort through these issues with.  Also try to take a parenting class.  There is a difference between an authoritarian parenting style and an authoritative parenting style.  Sometimes instead of rules it is better to rely on natural consequences.

Aside from disagreements about rules, are you able to build some fun times with your daughter when you have time with her?

I recognize that my advice might be at odds with the fact that my own kids lived with me full time, but TBH, their dad never took the 50% custody that was offered, and mental illness and substance abuse were issues in the demise of our marriage.

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