Grandparents' racist comments...

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with racist comments from your parents (specifically when involving your children, their grandkids)?
Example: I'm white, my kids are mixed race (I'll just say my husband is not Asian).
On the phone several weeks ago, my mom made a comment about my husband's "Chinese eyes." I was kind of taken aback and was just like, "Um, okay, he's not Chinese..." Mentioned it to my husband who did not like it and we kind of laughed about the innocent racism; they don't realize it; they're not trying to be racist.
Now my parents are visiting us for a week, my mom makes the comment again but about my daughter, "She has Chinese eyes, I just love her Chinese eyes," and first of all this isn't something I want my daughter repeating on the playground, so I tell my mom to please don't say that, and she says, "Oh, okay, what am I supposed to say, 'almond eyes'?" I say yes, figured it was dropped.
Well today she made the comment again and I almost BLEW it. I don't want that phrase to be used, it's a racist phrase, she defends herself saying she's not racist, I retort I'm not calling you racist, just don't use that phrase because it does come across racist, and my children who are a whole other ethnicity have to endure similar kinds of comments on the playground and I'm wanting to teach them never to make a comment to someone like that - I tried explaining everything of what we've gone through and then trying to explain how generalizing these shaped eyes as "Chinese eyes" can be very insensitive...

Long story short she is so incensed we don't just listen to HER and we're all so easily offended and blah blah blah, she doesn't feel welcome in our home, made a sort of threat that she wouldn't be coming back because she doesn't want to be censored...
Agh I so badly want to think of her as empathetic and willing to learn but she just refuses!!
- help???

[Anonymous]

OP here - I realize even using the term "almond shaped" is insensitive when describing Asian eyes, but I figure it's still better than the original term she was using. I found a list of descriptors that would be make more sense to me - just describe an individual's eyes using terms like these if you really insist on commenting on their eyes:
Close-set
Wide-set
Hooded or deep-set
Prominent
Thin
Narrow
Heavy-lidded
Rounded

[Anonymous]

Oh Lordy OP. Your mother should look at your daughter and tell her “You have beautiful eyes.” That is the only acceptable phase.

[Anonymous]

Asian here. Almond shaped eyes don't bother me. It's factual. I've seen Michelle Pfeiffer's eyes being described this way.

[Anonymous]

Asian also. "Chinese eyes" doesn't offend me. White Americans are so thin skinned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian also. "Chinese eyes" doesn't offend me. White Americans are so thin skinned.

Well I don't think OP should just give up and let her daughter perpetuate offensive statements just because you personally have developed thick skin.

[Anonymous]

How about I just love her beautiful eyes? Doesn't have to use an ethnicity.

Your mom is racist and wants to be racist, she sees herself as a nice good racist, she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it.

No. My daughter is not Chinese and just has beautiful eyes, that is all that needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her those terms come across as someone saying (insert any derogatory term for old ladies ex. hag, frump, etc.) to her.
It might have been ok at some point in the past and that is why she justifies using it, but we all have to change with the times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her those terms come across as someone saying (insert any derogatory term for old ladies ex. hag, frump, etc.) to her.
It might have been ok at some point in the past and that is why she justifies using it, but we all have to change with the times.

OP here - I like this! In the future I may use this kind of tactic. Instead of making it about it being racially insensitive to others- focus on other aspects like how it makes her seem frumpy and unaware.
Thank you - even educated, well-traveled people (like my parents) have to be open to changing with the times! Especially with mixed race children, I keep thinking wouldn't she want to learn and be close with them...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about I just love her beautiful eyes? Doesn't have to use an ethnicity.

Your mom is racist and wants to be racist, she sees herself as a nice good racist, she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it.

No. My daughter is not Chinese and just has beautiful eyes, that is all that needs to be said.

OP here. This! "she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it."
This is basically what she says. "But I'm saying they're beautiful!" I say, "Okay, but look, she has Asian American classmates and I do not want her learning this phrase as a descriptor for any kind of eyes," and I tried to give examples as to how you're stereotyping a certain feature and you could be saying this to someone who's Vietnamese whose parents fought the Chinese, and you're just grouping them all together, not to mention my DH and children are not even Asian!!!! So there's just pointing out their racial differences but not even in an accurate way!!
She's sooo offended I talk to her like that. Oh man.. It's sad. I wish she would care enough to try to empathize and maybe learn.

[Anonymous]

You just say “mom you don’t have to understand but I’m asking you to not use the word Chinese to describe my family”.

Your intention is to be positive but your impact is negative.

Period. No discussion.

If she does it again you stop and say “mom please do not use the word Chinese to describe my family”

[Anonymous]

My niece is Chinese and she has her grandmothers eyes on the Italian side. Her grandmother‘s eyes are unbelievable she has Betty Davis eyes. Everybody complements her eyes, they are amazing.

I said to my niece oh my goodness you have grandma‘s eyes. My son also has grandma‘s eyes. It’s not just the shape of the eyes they’re very deep set. Anyway it was literally the end of the world, my sister-in-law just assumed I meant her Eyes suck.

The fact is it’s a microgression to even mention Asian people’s eyes even as compliment.

I’m not even a grandma and it was hard for me to understand but she told me never to mention her daughter’s eyes ever again and I never mentioned her daughter’s eyes ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about I just love her beautiful eyes? Doesn't have to use an ethnicity.

Your mom is racist and wants to be racist, she sees herself as a nice good racist, she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it.

No. My daughter is not Chinese and just has beautiful eyes, that is all that needs to be said.

OP here. This! "she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it."
This is basically what she says. "But I'm saying they're beautiful!" I say, "Okay, but look, she has Asian American classmates and I do not want her learning this phrase as a descriptor for any kind of eyes," and I tried to give examples as to how you're stereotyping a certain feature and you could be saying this to someone who's Vietnamese whose parents fought the Chinese, and you're just grouping them all together, not to mention my DH and children are not even Asian!!!! So there's just pointing out their racial differences but not even in an accurate way!!
She's sooo offended I talk to her like that. Oh man.. It's sad. I wish she would care enough to try to empathize and maybe learn.

I see why you find Chinese eyes offensive when it’s not accurate but I’m having trouble understanding the problem with almond shaped eyes. As a black person, I do have trouble when white people twist themselves into pretzels to prove they are not racist by being completely race-neutral and afraid to mention race at all. As if, acknowledging that I’m black is racist because they are “color blind,” so didn’t really notice. It’s not racist to acknowledge that race exists, that people have different features, you know? It’s not an insult; I’m not ashamed of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about I just love her beautiful eyes? Doesn't have to use an ethnicity.

Your mom is racist and wants to be racist, she sees herself as a nice good racist, she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it.

No. My daughter is not Chinese and just has beautiful eyes, that is all that needs to be said.

OP here. This! "she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it."
This is basically what she says. "But I'm saying they're beautiful!" I say, "Okay, but look, she has Asian American classmates and I do not want her learning this phrase as a descriptor for any kind of eyes," and I tried to give examples as to how you're stereotyping a certain feature and you could be saying this to someone who's Vietnamese whose parents fought the Chinese, and you're just grouping them all together, not to mention my DH and children are not even Asian!!!! So there's just pointing out their racial differences but not even in an accurate way!!
She's sooo offended I talk to her like that. Oh man.. It's sad. I wish she would care enough to try to empathize and maybe learn.

I see why you find Chinese eyes offensive when it’s not accurate but I’m having trouble understanding the problem with almond shaped eyes. As a black person, I do have trouble when white people twist themselves into pretzels to prove they are not racist by being completely race-neutral and afraid to mention race at all. As if, acknowledging that I’m black is racist because they are “color blind,” so didn’t really notice. It’s not racist to acknowledge that race exists, that people have different features, you know? It’s not an insult; I’m not ashamed of it!

This explains about almond eyes: it's a white man's ecoticism of a characteristic they generalize of a whole race: https://laurenandvanessa.com/how-to-describe-asian-eyes/

In regards to the "colorblind" thing, that's how my parents claim to be. I'll mention although I wasn't planning to, that my husband is a black man. My parents can't even say he's a black man. It's really weird. They think accepting that they are white is separating or dividing us. Instead they just avoid all talk of race and act like racism is not an issue. But then they say things like Chinese eyes and once again say it has nothing to do with race and/or it's just a comment on physical characteristics, but they still cannot accept they might need to be a bit more sensitive...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I realize even using the term "almond shaped" is insensitive when describing Asian eyes, but I figure it's still better than the original term she was using. I found a list of descriptors that would be make more sense to me - just describe an individual's eyes using terms like these if you really insist on commenting on their eyes:
Close-set
Wide-set
Hooded or deep-set
Prominent
Thin
Narrow
Heavy-lidded
Rounded

All of the above are more repugnant that almond shaped eyes. Pandas have almond shaped eyes. Is this racist?