Grandparents' racist comments...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about I just love her beautiful eyes? Doesn't have to use an ethnicity.

Your mom is racist and wants to be racist, she sees herself as a nice good racist, she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it.

No. My daughter is not Chinese and just has beautiful eyes, that is all that needs to be said.

OP here. This! "she's not being negative, she's being complimentary! So you should just accept it."
This is basically what she says. "But I'm saying they're beautiful!" I say, "Okay, but look, she has Asian American classmates and I do not want her learning this phrase as a descriptor for any kind of eyes," and I tried to give examples as to how you're stereotyping a certain feature and you could be saying this to someone who's Vietnamese whose parents fought the Chinese, and you're just grouping them all together, not to mention my DH and children are not even Asian!!!! So there's just pointing out their racial differences but not even in an accurate way!!
She's sooo offended I talk to her like that. Oh man.. It's sad. I wish she would care enough to try to empathize and maybe learn.

I see why you find Chinese eyes offensive when it’s not accurate but I’m having trouble understanding the problem with almond shaped eyes. As a black person, I do have trouble when white people twist themselves into pretzels to prove they are not racist by being completely race-neutral and afraid to mention race at all. As if, acknowledging that I’m black is racist because they are “color blind,” so didn’t really notice. It’s not racist to acknowledge that race exists, that people have different features, you know? It’s not an insult; I’m not ashamed of it!

This explains about almond eyes: it's a white man's ecoticism of a characteristic they generalize of a whole race: https://laurenandvanessa.com/how-to-describe-asian-eyes/

In regards to the "colorblind" thing, that's how my parents claim to be. I'll mention although I wasn't planning to, that my husband is a black man. My parents can't even say he's a black man. It's really weird. They think accepting that they are white is separating or dividing us. Instead they just avoid all talk of race and act like racism is not an issue. But then they say things like Chinese eyes and once again say it has nothing to do with race and/or it's just a comment on physical characteristics, but they still cannot accept they might need to be a bit more sensitive...

People avoid all mention of race in a situation like this because it feels impossible to know what to say without offending someone. Why risk offending someone who is then going to call them a racist?

[Anonymous]

Not sure what is the big deal here. My DC is half Asian and has beautiful eyes, my mil said I am so glad DC got big almond shaped eyes. Is my mil racist?

[Anonymous]

PP here; MIL is Asian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what is the big deal here. My DC is half Asian and has beautiful eyes, my mil said I am so glad DC got big almond shaped eyes. Is my mil racist?

No... The issue here is children copying this language of "Chinese eyes." My parents didn't even realize pulling ones eyes to the side is racially insensitive. The thought of my children going up to a kid on the playground and saying they have "Chinese eyes."
My daughter gets comments like this on her hair, and it is painful for her and for me. I am trying to explain to my mom how these kinds of comments are racially insensitive and could cause someone pain, the way we feel pain. I thought my mom could empathize with this. She could not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what is the big deal here. My DC is half Asian and has beautiful eyes, my mil said I am so glad DC got big almond shaped eyes. Is my mil racist?

No... The issue here is children copying this language of "Chinese eyes." My parents didn't even realize pulling ones eyes to the side is racially insensitive. The thought of my children going up to a kid on the playground and saying they have "Chinese eyes."
My daughter gets comments like this on her hair, and it is painful for her and for me. I am trying to explain to my mom how these kinds of comments are racially insensitive and could cause someone pain, the way we feel pain. I thought my mom could empathize with this. She could not.

But from your pp it seems you are uncomfortable even with the term almond shaped eyes

[Anonymous]

Almond shaped eyes is fine. Chinese eyes is not pc. Shit down the latter but don’t be weird about the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what is the big deal here. My DC is half Asian and has beautiful eyes, my mil said I am so glad DC got big almond shaped eyes. Is my mil racist?

No... The issue here is children copying this language of "Chinese eyes." My parents didn't even realize pulling ones eyes to the side is racially insensitive. The thought of my children going up to a kid on the playground and saying they have "Chinese eyes."
My daughter gets comments like this on her hair, and it is painful for her and for me. I am trying to explain to my mom how these kinds of comments are racially insensitive and could cause someone pain, the way we feel pain. I thought my mom could empathize with this. She could not.

And to further explain in a way I did not expect to be necessary... We are not even Chinese, let alone Asian, so I'm trying to explain that describing some characteristic of eyes as "Chinese eyes" is not only racially insensitive but also ridiculous. Like, she could just say my daughter has beautiful wide brown eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what is the big deal here. My DC is half Asian and has beautiful eyes, my mil said I am so glad DC got big almond shaped eyes. Is my mil racist?

No... The issue here is children copying this language of "Chinese eyes." My parents didn't even realize pulling ones eyes to the side is racially insensitive. The thought of my children going up to a kid on the playground and saying they have "Chinese eyes."
My daughter gets comments like this on her hair, and it is painful for her and for me. I am trying to explain to my mom how these kinds of comments are racially insensitive and could cause someone pain, the way we feel pain. I thought my mom could empathize with this. She could not.

I am never going to mention the almond eyes thing to my mom. I won't use that term anymore but won't worry about it with my mom. It is more about the Chinese eyes term that freaks me out.
But from your pp it seems you are uncomfortable even with the term almond shaped eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almond shaped eyes is fine. Chinese eyes is not pc. Shit down the latter but don’t be weird about the former.

Agree.. The history of almond eyes isn't as well known so I won't push that!

[Anonymous]

OP Remember that your parents are from a different generation, they may not even know all the relatively new politically correct terms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just say “mom you don’t have to understand but I’m asking you to not use the word Chinese to describe my family”.

Your intention is to be positive but your impact is negative.

Period. No discussion.

If she does it again you stop and say “mom please do not use the word Chinese to describe my family”

ROFL! Something about this post just comes off as hilarious! "Stop describing us as Chinese!" This could be the plot of a sitcom episode.

[Anonymous]

I have blond hair and blue almond shaped eyes. York mom is being racist whether or not she is racist.

[Anonymous]

I just can’t imagine what those eyes look like. Why are they called Asian if there are no Asians involved?

I am white and I have almond eyes and so do my kids. This has nothing to do with Asia - your eyes are either round or almond shaped. “Asian eyes” are what people call hooded eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just can’t imagine what those eyes look like. Why are they called Asian if there are no Asians involved?

I am white and I have almond eyes and so do my kids. This has nothing to do with Asia - your eyes are either round or almond shaped. “Asian eyes” are what people call hooded eyes.

This is part of what is so annoying about this. DH is from another country but not Asian, and he nor our children have hooded eyes. DH's eyes are more squinty and up-turned than mine. Grandma just keeps pointing out these differences saying they're beautiful, but also not realizing it's annoying and a little insensitive, and not even accurate to refer to them as Asian or Chinese eyes, not to mention how that comes across as racially insensitive.

She makes comments about my daughter's hair a little too much too, but at least they come across more as compliments and not so ridiculously offensive as "Chinese eyes."

She's feeling wounded since I told her that's not right to say. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine to tell your mom that the term Chinese eyes is outdated and comes across weird. No need to make a fuss or call her racist but definitely right in letting her know.