Reply to Why does my mom pull this and what do I even say?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't know what's going on with your mom or what she really wants/feels.

BUT

I have found the best way to deal with people who are very passive aggressive or who play weird games to try and elicit certain behaviors is to just get very literal with them.

If she says she doesn't want you to come, don't go. You are no longer invited.

If she says you aren't connecting, just accept that's how she feels and that it's reality for her.

If she needs a break from these visits, say okay and make other plans.

You can bring it up again in a month or two and say "Would you like DD and I to come over this weekend? Maybe after this break it will feel like there is more to talk about and share?" And if she says yes, go. If she says no, don't go and give it another couple months.

Just don't engage in the game of trying to guess what she really wants and anticipate those needs. Take her words at face value and act accordingly. If what she really wants is something else, she will need to articulate it clearly. Force her to clearly articulate needs by not playing games with her. It will benefit you both in the long run.[/quote]

You have to communicate with the person that you are doing this, otherwise you are just playing a different flavor of the same game, leaving someone wondering what's going on.[/quote]

PP here. Not advocating not communicating, I'm just saying keep it literal. If your mom says "I don't want you to come this week" you respond by saying, "OK, we still want to come but I will respect your wishes. I'll check in later next month to see if things have changed." Like you should communicate what you are doing, but you don't have to engage in a back and forth.

The key is that OP is talking about trying to guess as to what her mom actually wants and what is motivating her. And I think that's the worst possible mindset because (1) her mom should just articulate these things, and (2) OP might not guess right. So just be literal and clear. Do not engage in the passive aggression. Be direct and take her at her word.[/quote]

This is what I used to do when I had to deal with my passive aggressive parents. If they'd do that kind of BS, saying the opposite of what they wanted or what we had planned, I'd repeat it back to them and say are you sure that's what you prefer? So if my mom called me at work to cancel a trip, I'd say "Mom, I'm at work and can only talk for a minute, so let me make sure I understand. You're asking me not to bring the kids to visit you tomorrow. Do you want us to come on a different date or do you want to wait a few weeks and see how you feel about us visiting then?" Then if she backtracks and says not to cancel, I usually said I had to get off the phone and ask her to text me with the date and time she thinks is best and I'll try to make it happen, and we'll talk later.

Usually my mom was trying to get me to beg for something so she could feel powerful. When I realized I was just a pawn in her mind games rather than a beloved family member, I quit playing and gave her what she asked for. I also tried to get dates and times in writing so I could refer back to those when she would say I changed the dates and didn't follow through with what we had agreed on. Someone accused me of trying to be punitive once. I don't think I was; I was trying to set boundaries. Call me to cancel? Okay, canceled. That's not a punishment, it's literally what you asked for. And it worked. She stopped trying that when she realized canceling plans with me and my kids wasn't an effective way to get more time with my kids.[/quote]

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