Wife is turning into MIL

[Anonymous]

In the last 2-3 years I have been watching my wife turn into my mother in law, rude, loud, obnoxious, demeaning to her husband, no respect for money. The irony of this is that 4-5 years ago my wife would argue with her mother about all of these characteristics. Not sure what is going on, but this is no bueno. Any one else experience this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the last 2-3 years I have been watching my wife turn into my mother in law, rude, loud, obnoxious, demeaning to her husband, no respect for money. The irony of this is that 4-5 years ago my wife would argue with her mother about all of these characteristics. Not sure what is going on, but this is no bueno. Any one else experience this?

talk to her, not us.

[Anonymous]

Why is this in third person if you’re the husband?

Anybooooo, communicate with your wife on your concerns.
Start with the money stuff, then later get into the personal stuff.
And yes I’m sure everyone has trait similarities with their parent(s) either genetic ones or learned ones. Instilled during 18 years at home.

[Anonymous]

Um, you are going to have to handle this one delicately….
You can’t tell someone to go to therapy without a backlash.

She is tired, hormonal and probably stressed. Not sure what age she is… but the 40s suck. I don’t remember my 3os but I know I ran around and accomplished 10,ooo milestones. Maybe she might be modeling what she knows in times of stress? Take her out on long weekends??

If it helps I developed some bad (mom-modeled) habits and then worked on them. My mom was a spirited, gorgeous emotional-Neanderthal. I leaned this late— after I stopped glorifying her. Comparing my behavior to hers helped me.

Also, I think People normally know what to do to change but they need to come around to it themselves.

Ask her if what you are doing triggers her at all. That’s a start
You sound funny. You may be able to tackle this one!

[Anonymous]

what is respect for money?

[Anonymous]

I almost wrote that verbatim. lol
Then I thought I’d give him a pass.

Strange choice of words.

[Anonymous]

Buying frivolous silly things?

Or she doesn’t kiss his paycheck every two weeks?

[Anonymous]

He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Plus, I am somewhat suspicious when one partner suggests that these behaviors are happening in a vacuum. Granted this a quick post… so there’s that.

This does whiff of: “I was walking by, minding my own business when…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you are going to have to handle this one delicately….
You can’t tell someone to go to therapy without a backlash.

She is tired, hormonal and probably stressed. Not sure what age she is… but the 40s suck. I don’t remember my 3os but I know I ran around and accomplished 10,ooo milestones. Maybe she might be modeling what she knows in times of stress? Take her out on long weekends??

If it helps I developed some bad (mom-modeled) habits and then worked on them. My mom was a spirited, gorgeous emotional-Neanderthal. I leaned this late— after I stopped glorifying her. Comparing my behavior to hers helped me.

Also, I think People normally know what to do to change but they need to come around to it themselves.

Ask her if what you are doing triggers her at all. That’s a start
You sound funny. You may be able to tackle this one!

Definitely delicately, I dont want to insult her mom in this also, then I am really in a spot. ; )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

Housekeeper clearly improves QOL (maybe not yours if you wouldn’t do the work she’s doing if she stopped coming). Spending so much on exercise tracks for someone who is trying to fight back all the things aging brings. Not sure what she’s doing to waste money on electrical bill. Obviously the car accidents weren’t wasted money exactly, but sounds like the result of either high stress distractedness or else perimenopause brain fog.

I think the story you’re currently telling yourself (“this is just like her mother!”) are extremely unhelpful and damaging to your marriage. You just described a long list of things that sound consistent with someone who is really really struggling and doing anything she can to keep it together (including making the helpful choice of exercising regularly which is supportive of good mental and physical health). This has truly nothing to do at all with your MIL and everything to do with your wife. Stop pulling back and judging her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

Housekeeper clearly improves QOL (maybe not yours if you wouldn’t do the work she’s doing if she stopped coming). Spending so much on exercise tracks for someone who is trying to fight back all the things aging brings. Not sure what she’s doing to waste money on electrical bill. Obviously the car accidents weren’t wasted money exactly, but sounds like the result of either high stress distractedness or else perimenopause brain fog.

I think the story you’re currently telling yourself (“this is just like her mother!”) are extremely unhelpful and damaging to your marriage. You just described a long list of things that sound consistent with someone who is really really struggling and doing anything she can to keep it together (including making the helpful choice of exercising regularly which is supportive of good mental and physical health). This has truly nothing to do at all with your MIL and everything to do with your wife. Stop pulling back and judging her.

I appreciate your input here. housekeeping once a week I am fine with and I do plenty around the house. car accidents were her fault she was on phone for each of the, electric bill is because she leaves all the lights on two levels of our home almost full time, even when no one home. the reason for the comparison is because most of these things are things that drove her crazy about her mom, but now she does them to excess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

Housekeeper clearly improves QOL (maybe not yours if you wouldn’t do the work she’s doing if she stopped coming). Spending so much on exercise tracks for someone who is trying to fight back all the things aging brings. Not sure what she’s doing to waste money on electrical bill. Obviously the car accidents weren’t wasted money exactly, but sounds like the result of either high stress distractedness or else perimenopause brain fog.

I think the story you’re currently telling yourself (“this is just like her mother!”) are extremely unhelpful and damaging to your marriage. You just described a long list of things that sound consistent with someone who is really really struggling and doing anything she can to keep it together (including making the helpful choice of exercising regularly which is supportive of good mental and physical health). This has truly nothing to do at all with your MIL and everything to do with your wife. Stop pulling back and judging her.

Yep sounds like someone trying to deal with pandemic stress. Address the root cause and the symptoms may abate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

Sit down with a 3rd party and put together a budget, take stuff out, cut expenses.

$30k net spending in the context of what HHI?

How does she spend her time? Does she need a job with more hours? Any kids, who buys their gear and growing stuff?

Housekeeper 2x a week is tablestakes, usually 3-5 depending on who picks up and drives kids. Who manages the housekeeper, can she do more stuff than just clear counters and laundry? Like groceries, kid stuff, organize, take cars in for oil changes, etc?

Where are you during all this? You can set auto groceries and meal plan so things don’t get out of control. You can decorate the house or get the kids new sizes. Help her pick more economical gym classes or personal trainers.