Wife is turning into MIL

[Anonymous]

Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

[Anonymous]

It could be peri-menopause and menopause. Menopause, OP, does terrible things to you! It's like puberty, but worse, because you have more obligations and expectations. It can make you seem very crazy. There are hormonal treatments for it, but they are not recommended in every case, so she needs to consult her doctor.

Please approach this from a medical perspective and express concern and love. I remember my mother going through menopause, just when I was going through puberty, and boy, my poor father was in the middle and he suffered. He spent long hours at the office

[Anonymous]

^it could also be a number of other physical illnesses, such as thyroid imbalances.

My point is, OP, that whenever you see behavioral changes, you must first think about PHYSICAL ILLNESS. Rule those out before thinking of psychiatric issues, such as anxiety, depression, early-onset dementia, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

Housekeeper clearly improves QOL (maybe not yours if you wouldn’t do the work she’s doing if she stopped coming). Spending so much on exercise tracks for someone who is trying to fight back all the things aging brings. Not sure what she’s doing to waste money on electrical bill. Obviously the car accidents weren’t wasted money exactly, but sounds like the result of either high stress distractedness or else perimenopause brain fog.

I think the story you’re currently telling yourself (“this is just like her mother!”) are extremely unhelpful and damaging to your marriage. You just described a long list of things that sound consistent with someone who is really really struggling and doing anything she can to keep it together (including making the helpful choice of exercising regularly which is supportive of good mental and physical health). This has truly nothing to do at all with your MIL and everything to do with your wife. Stop pulling back and judging her.

I appreciate your input here. housekeeping once a week I am fine with and I do plenty around the house. car accidents were her fault she was on phone for each of the, electric bill is because she leaves all the lights on two levels of our home almost full time, even when no one home. the reason for the comparison is because most of these things are things that drove her crazy about her mom, but now she does them to excess.

I am not confused about the car accidents. I get THAT she was at fault. But you don’t seem to be trying to figure out WHY. The comparing to her mom won’t help you get to the root of that. It’s just putting you in a headspace of being even less sympathetic to her (she’s a hypocrite; she’s acting like a person you don’t respect; she’s acting like a person even she doesn’t respect). Totally unhelpful for maintaining a happy marriage and relationship.

It sounds like she is mightily struggling. You see the symptoms everywhere but instead of stringing them together in a relationship-affirming way, you are making the choice to paint her in a very negative light in your own head. Stop it and try to help.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you two need a budget? Is your wife a SAHM? If so, why the housekeeper? Do you have enough for college? Have a conversation with your wife and ask her why she is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

It is mainly lights being used that is causing the excessive bill. I am in real estate and know how much my investment property bills go up when we are marketing houses because we leave most of the lights on 24/7 until the property goes under contract. Bills go from 100 a month to 350 or so during this period. My home during non AC months should run about 600 a month, we are double that and I am talking about every light on except for guest bedroom and my office will be on for 18 hours a day. I can guarantee you if I went into my basement right now the bathroom light and fan are on, the gym lights are on and fans in the gym are running and no one has been down there since yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

I probably have 100 or more recessed lights in my house, replacing them with LED as they burn out and I had a few cases of the old style filament bulbs to use up first.

[Anonymous]

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.


- Oscar Wilde.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It could be peri-menopause and menopause. Menopause, OP, does terrible things to you! It's like puberty, but worse, because you have more obligations and expectations. It can make you seem very crazy. There are hormonal treatments for it, but they are not recommended in every case, so she needs to consult her doctor.

Please approach this from a medical perspective and express concern and love. I remember my mother going through menopause, just when I was going through puberty, and boy, my poor father was in the middle and he suffered. He spent long hours at the office

Could be ADHD - the inattentiveness, impulse shopping, iPhone dopamine addiction, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

You guys crypto mining in the basement? Maybe you have more wealth than you realize and the electrify and cooling bills are a rounding error!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

I probably have 100 or more recessed lights in my house, replacing them with LED as they burn out and I had a few cases of the old style filament bulbs to use up first.

So it’s more important to use up your old light bulbs than cut down your ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR electricity bill? Okie doke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:



All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.


- Oscar Wilde.

Love it.

I wish my spouse would get it together like his mom is. But alas…. He’s falling into disrepair like his father…

[Anonymous]

9:03-9:10. I think you guys are on to something with your responses. The thyroid and other physical aspects could very well be a part of this. She had some medical issues that are now resolved, but very well may have played into the change in behaviors. Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees. Communicating and planning has been challenging for the last couple years and these behaviors also started in the same time frame, which aligned with her medical issues and then throw in Covid. I just had a light bulb moment, pun intended.

[Anonymous]

You need a budget and then need to track your expenses. Put max amounts on your credit cards and bank accounts per month.