Wife is turning into MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:03-9:10. I think you guys are on to something with your responses. The thyroid and other physical aspects could very well be a part of this. She had some medical issues that are now resolved, but very well may have played into the change in behaviors. Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees. Communicating and planning has been challenging for the last couple years and these behaviors also started in the same time frame, which aligned with her medical issues and then throw in Covid. I just had a light bulb moment, pun intended.

The thyroid is never resolved, OP. If they're on artificial thyroid hormones like Synthroid or levothyroxine, every few years, patients need a dose change. For some reason, I need a dose change my more frequently, and I switched from generic to brand name because the generic pills aren't made as accurately and can vary somewhat in their dosage. She should have regular bloodwork to test her free T4 and TSH.

[Anonymous]

Also, to the extent you do talk to her about this, talk about the behaviors that are concerning, and not about any similarities to her mom. In fact, just remove that from the equation when you're having this discussion. It helps no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

It is mainly lights being used that is causing the excessive bill. I am in real estate and know how much my investment property bills go up when we are marketing houses because we leave most of the lights on 24/7 until the property goes under contract. Bills go from 100 a month to 350 or so during this period. My home during non AC months should run about 600 a month, we are double that and I am talking about every light on except for guest bedroom and my office will be on for 18 hours a day. I can guarantee you if I went into my basement right now the bathroom light and fan are on, the gym lights are on and fans in the gym are running and no one has been down there since yesterday.

sounds like your house is too big then ... or you can walk around and turn off lights if it bothers you that they are on

[Anonymous]

Motion switches. Hire a guy to swap out all 50 in an hour with an electric screwdriver.

My adhd spouse needs them everywhere. But still can’t check that he successful closed a car or fridge door

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:03-9:10. I think you guys are on to something with your responses. The thyroid and other physical aspects could very well be a part of this. She had some medical issues that are now resolved, but very well may have played into the change in behaviors. Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees. Communicating and planning has been challenging for the last couple years and these behaviors also started in the same time frame, which aligned with her medical issues and then throw in Covid. I just had a light bulb moment, pun intended.

Good luck. It's never easy to have a loved one facing medical challenges but that's doubly tricky when it's paired with this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

I probably have 100 or more recessed lights in my house, replacing them with LED as they burn out and I had a few cases of the old style filament bulbs to use up first.

She's clearly an addict of some kind.... And mining crypto in your basement.

So it’s more important to use up your old light bulbs than cut down your ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR electricity bill? Okie doke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

I probably have 100 or more recessed lights in my house, replacing them with LED as they burn out and I had a few cases of the old style filament bulbs to use up first.

She's clearly an addict of some kind.... And mining crypto in your basement.


She's clearly an addict of some kind.... And mining crypto in your basement.

So it’s more important to use up your old light bulbs than cut down your ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR electricity bill? Okie doke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving lights on does not create $1000 a month electricity bills, even at Xmas.

Is heating electric? electric cars plugged in? Laundry and dryer every day?? Humidifiers or air purifier?

Still doesn’t make sense

+1 especially if OP has modern light bulbs.

I probably have 100 or more recessed lights in my house, replacing them with LED as they burn out and I had a few cases of the old style filament bulbs to use up first.

She's clearly an addict of some kind.... And mining crypto in your basement.


She's clearly an addict of some kind.... And mining crypto in your basement.

So it’s more important to use up your old light bulbs than cut down your ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR electricity bill? Okie doke.

She's clearly an addict of some kind.... And mining crypto in your basement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the last 2-3 years I have been watching my wife turn into my mother in law, rude, loud, obnoxious, demeaning to her husband, no respect for money. The irony of this is that 4-5 years ago my wife would argue with her mother about all of these characteristics. Not sure what is going on, but this is no bueno. Any one else experience this?

talk to her, not us.

+1

[Anonymous]

Women turn into their mothers for the most part, you knew this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, op, whenever my husband and I have had discussions like this, it’s either because he isn’t used to seeing me out of the wife role, or because he’s romanticizing his mom’s house. For example, his mom doesn’t have a dishwasher, never has. You can bet your butt that when our dishwasher broke, I wanted another one, some might say I demanded one. Interestingly enough, my mother-in-law doesn’t have trash service, and my husband has never once mentioned we should take our trash to the dump on the regular like his mom does.

As for being loud and rude, the first time I told a contractor, “I’m not a storage facility” he was startled. He didn’t like me talking to her like that. He never had a problem when I would say that to the male contractors.

Think about if this might be going on.
The older I get, the less willing I am to give vendors a second chance, time to sort it out, whatever it is. I’ve also noticed I have to be on the ball so we get what we need, we bought a new dryer and they were all set to deliver it without a critical part.. until I caught it. We were on the schedule to get a new door, only to have the vendor “forget” to order the handles. You aren’t going to see sweet loving woman in situations like that. Being described as loud and rude is often what men say when a woman isn’t doing what is easiest for the man.. I’ve never heard a man describe another man as loud and obnoxious. Know too, that your wife may be picking up on tone of voice or behaviors that you are not. I’ve had servers be sweet as pie to my husband, then speak to me like a five-year-old. I had a server absolutely refuse to get me an extra glass of water of all things, when she was more then happy to flit around my husband asking if he needed anything. It was infuriating, I wasn’t feeling well that day, had had some blood draws, and all I wanted was an extra glass of water. I had a Starbucks barista be fine with my order and be nasty to the friend I was with in a very subtle way, putting her hands all over the top of the cup so my friend didn’t want to drink it, getting her the wrong size then telling her the friend “didn’t understand” just nasty. Had it been me, I’d have gone into Karen mode, which interestingly enough only applies to women, we don’t have a “go into Jack mode”. If you like your wife, be on her side.

Do you have kids? If you do, your wife may have more insight into their behaviors then you do. We had a teen who would go to the bathroom right before an activity and be in there for 30 minutes, just in time for the activity to be over. My husband thought I was being too hard on the kid. As luck would have it, her 30 minute bathroom stays went away like magic when we removed her from the activity. I remember telling my husband and the kid “You need to be good enough at what you do or have a medical issue for these bathroom trips to be acceptable.. you aren’t good enough at what you do.. yet, and you may have a medical issue”. My husband was treating our kid like you’d treat a coworker who needed to take a long dump, and that isn’t what was going on, the kid simply didn’t want to do the activity and like a toddler, “going potty” seemed like a good way to get out of it. And, no, I don’t know why she didn’t tell us she didn’t want to do it, I think she liked the people but not the activity and was hoping it would get better.
As for you, be nice to your wife. Put her first. You aren’t her business partner, coach or boss, you are her loving husband. If she tells you something listen. Praise her and appreciate her. Don’t compare her to other women even nonsexually, of course the nanny isn’t going to get upset about the dishwasher, it isn’t her house. Of course the schoolteacher will be sweet, she’s not trying to cook dinner with a toddler running full tilt towards the stove, or if she does, you won’t see it or even know about it. If she’s doing weird things like expecting you to be home because it’s Monday and she doesn’t want to be alone, that’s not acceptable. If she expects you to be home so you can see the family or take the kids to activities they are enjoying, then you probably should be there. She isn’t obnoxious to want a loving involved husband.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate these insights. I agree with posts that this in range of normal and many (all?) the married ladies with kids are stressed and grouchy. It comes with the territory and she is caring for your kids with you. It’s a lot.

Any woman who says she is not this way is concealing the truth from you. Re: spending. Especially if she makes money, I think she can spend it how she sees fit.

It’s not gambling or any thing anti social. Not even close
But yeah, that’s fair game to talk about. Compared to other challenges , that one is really easy to work out especially with a broadened, empathetic POV.

Cut her some slack and devise a healthy plan together.

[Anonymous]

13:02. Damn that is good. +1. My ex loved to be in boss role, as at he was at work. I felt ordered around and it didn’t work for me. I went along with it for 5+ years, until I became the worst employee ever. Likely on purpose. Very long term relationship- mostly good!

I can laugh now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds aggrieved. Genuine source of conflict? Money is a common one. Yet that really has no correlation to a MIL.

OP here the wasting of money directly correlates. Just absolutely no respect for money. housekeeper 2 times a week at 360, starbucks twice a day, 150 a week on exercise classes(we have full home gym and 300 a month gym membership) electric bill 1000 a month, amazon boxes every day. spends 6-700 a week on groceries and throws away a ton of it. This is real money being wasted, 30k plus a year or more with no real improvement to quality of life. The correlation is we watched her mom do this about ten years ago and it really bothered my wife, now here we are. Oh and auto insurance is 700 a month now because of 3 at fault fender benders she has had in last 2 years, basically hit parked cars.

Op, it depends what you do and is she a say home mom? How is she with other things and your ages?

[Anonymous]

Did you figure this out ?