Consoling kids, if they don't get into their first choice school, or perhaps any

[Anonymous]

With Decision Day about two weeks away, I'm wondering if anyone out there has any advice regarding consoling kids if things don't work out the way they had hoped. Since we won't have any idea why our children are or are not accepted, how do we help lessen the sting? My child is in middle school, so he's old enough to understand "acceptance" or "rejection." If he isn't accepted, should I just tell him he was waitlisted if he doesn't get in to his top choice or any of the schools we applied to on his behalf?

[Anonymous]

Not getting into her first choice school turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to my kid. Things work out. Be positive.

[Anonymous]

It’s my first year applying too, but I would take a practical approach. There are X spots, 1/2 for your gender. Or those, many will be taken up by siblings and legacies. And for the rest, they’re trying to balance the class with different races, ethnicities, interests, life experiences. Just bc you didn’t get in doesn’t mean you’re “less than” - it’s luck of the draw and unfortunately you didn’t get lucky this time…

[Anonymous]

Hopefully you’ve been tempering expectations all along; if not, start now. All of the schools have a lot of really good applicants for not very many seats. Many times, who gets in is a function of their attempts to balance a class. They can think of it like an orchestra— you can be a truly fantastic violin player but that doesn’t matter if what they need is a cello. So much of it is just luck of the draw and of who else happens to be applying. It’s not a condemnation of any particular student.

And, if you do get in, don’t think that this makes you better than someone who didn’t get in because again, much of it is luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you’ve been tempering expectations all along; if not, start now. All of the schools have a lot of really good applicants for not very many seats. Many times, who gets in is a function of their attempts to balance a class. They can think of it like an orchestra— you can be a truly fantastic violin player but that doesn’t matter if what they need is a cello. So much of it is just luck of the draw and of who else happens to be applying. It’s not a condemnation of any particular student.

And, if you do get in, don’t think that this makes you better than someone who didn’t get in because again, much of it is luck.

Thanks, PP, excellent analogy.

[Anonymous]

Truly a crap shoot. Don’t take it personally if your child doesn’t get admitted.

[Anonymous]

Each time we've been through this process with our kids we've told them it's a total crapshoot and has absolutely no reflection on them. We've framed it in the context of it being a lottery.

[Anonymous]

We applied but now am scared we can’t afford the financial commitment! I am scared child will get in and have to explain the reverse of not being able to attend. I am trying to believe all will happen for a reason

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We applied but now am scared we can’t afford the financial commitment! I am scared child will get in and have to explain the reverse of not being able to attend. I am trying to believe all will happen for a reason

If you've come that far, why not get a 2nd job to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We applied but now am scared we can’t afford the financial commitment! I am scared child will get in and have to explain the reverse of not being able to attend. I am trying to believe all will happen for a reason

I feel you. We need financial aid to make it work and that feels like a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We applied but now am scared we can’t afford the financial commitment! I am scared child will get in and have to explain the reverse of not being able to attend. I am trying to believe all will happen for a reason

If you’re not willing to pay, make the decision now. Tell your kid, then tell the school.

[Anonymous]

Ideally you would have been discussing the fact that rejection very possible all along. If not, start now! Learning to have realistic expectations and learning to take knocks gracefully will serve him well in life beyond this (starting with college admissions!)

[Anonymous]

I generally like the violin player versus cello player analogy, but it really depends on how intuitive your middle schooler is. Because if they have very good social perception, they’re going to realize that the analogy is bullshit if they see less qualified people from their school get in for reasons having nothing to do with their innate qualities and everything to do with their parents’ social status.

That said, I agree with PP that this is as good a time as any to start learning these Arbitrary and disappointing life lessons which will come up again and again

[Anonymous]

To answer the OP, I would not lie and tell my child he/she was waitlisted if they were rejected.

[Anonymous]

We started prepping our kids a few weeks ago, telling them the statistics we knew (like over 900 applicants to Bullis freshman class), the idea of siblings and legacies, etc. I’m super glad we did because I don’t think we are getting in anywhere. I also started talking up the public option (we are inbound for Whitman). I think they will be ok when we get the rejections.