Wanting to make positive changes in midlife but struggling

[Anonymous]

I am turning 50 this year and am freaking out a bit. There are a number of things I want to change about myself and don't know where to start-I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I've made a lot of mistakes and have a ton of regret. I spend a lot of time dwelling on the past which I know is not healthy or productive but I can't seem to stop doing it. I've started therapy, am eating healthfully, exercising, have been trying to meditate but am stuck. Just wondering if anyone has really "turned things around" in midlife. On the surface my life is fine-I have an okay (not great but not awful) career and a good marriage but I feel disconnected from others and really unsure of myself. I second guess myself all the time and am less confident now than I was as a young woman-this frustrates me as I feel like it should be the other way around. Just wondering if there's anyone out there who was able to get themselves out of a rut and thrive post 50. My thought processes tend to be anxious, depressive and envious towards people who are happy or more externally successful-I recognize how detrimental this is and make a lot of effort to appear as a positive person but it feels forced. I don't like how I think but am not sure how to change it...

[Anonymous]

It’s not easy and you are not alone experiencing this. Take it one day at a time. Try to push the negative thoughts out or journal and then forget about them. Planning fun activities ( coffee with a friend, baking a cake, walk with spouse ) will also help.

[Anonymous]

I've made changes but it's an on-going process. I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Over the past three years of therapy, and in addition to meds, I've found that meditation, getting outside for a walk, and using a light box late fall to early spring help the most. I've journaled, done yoga, and reiki which helped. And I've done a lot of reading about depression, and neuroplasticity.

And I certainly don't do all of these things every day.

Change at this level means you're rewiring your brain, which takes time. And you may need to try several different things, in addition to therapy, to find the ones that help you.

Best wishes, OP, be patient with yourself and you can do this.

[Anonymous]

Are you religious? Being part of a church community can be very helpful to get out of your head. If not religious, do you do any activities with people in a safe and friendly environment?

[Anonymous]

This could be hormonal. Are you through menopause?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, I completely understand and resonate. It helps me to listen to midlife podcasts and be in midlife FB groups.

Forties Stories - stories about women in their 40s many of whom have made big changes
Grown Ass Women's Guide - inspirational advice for midlife women and has FB group
The Modern GenX Women - midlife career advice

There are tons of others, but those are my favorites right now.

Also there's a book on the U Curve of happiness that is very interesting about how late 40s is at bottom of happiness curve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've made changes but it's an on-going process. I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Over the past three years of therapy, and in addition to meds, I've found that meditation, getting outside for a walk, and using a light box late fall to early spring help the most. I've journaled, done yoga, and reiki which helped. And I've done a lot of reading about depression, and neuroplasticity.

And I certainly don't do all of these things every day.

Change at this level means you're rewiring your brain, which takes time. And you may need to try several different things, in addition to therapy, to find the ones that help you.

Best wishes, OP, be patient with yourself and you can do this.

OP, such great, kind advice from this PP.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP here-thank you! I really appreciate all of the kind, thoughtful responses. Yes-I'm in the midst of perimenopause and am guessing that this is part of the problem. I'm not religious but the community aspect of belonging to a church is definitely appealing. I have friends but Covid, people moving away, differences in political opinions that have emerged over the past few years and just being at differing points in our lives have taken a toll on some of these friendships. Some friendships aren't as close as they once were and sadly I have one friendship that ended secondary to a combination of all the above. But that's life and it's been a challenging few years for everybody in varying ways.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Perimenopause can be really tough. Maybe start with a physical and a hormone check?

I’ve found that working on friendships and socializing more is helpful. A church activity (choir) was helpful before covid. Walking or exercising every day is helpful for me as well.

You’re not alone. We are all there with you, and we get it. Reach out anytime here for support. Take care, OP.

[Anonymous]

Wow I’m 43 and I feel exactly as you do. Following.

[Anonymous]

I'm 49 and feel very similar, and want to make changes as well. I am certain some of this is hormonal, plus almost 2 years of pandemic disruption and stress, but even if it's all these things, it is still a hollow way to feel. Given that I'm right there with you, I haven't gotten there, but the advice I've gotten is to be kind to/forgive yourself, give yourself permission to say no or cut out toxic things/people, take small steps to create change, and realize that you can't control bad things in your life but you can control how you respond to them. Right now I am trying mindfulness practice to see if that helps (the eMindful 30-day challenge). I hope reading all these responses is helping you to know you are not alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 49 and feel very similar, and want to make changes as well. I am certain some of this is hormonal, plus almost 2 years of pandemic disruption and stress, but even if it's all these things, it is still a hollow way to feel. Given that I'm right there with you, I haven't gotten there, but the advice I've gotten is to be kind to/forgive yourself, give yourself permission to say no or cut out toxic things/people, take small steps to create change, and realize that you can't control bad things in your life but you can control how you respond to them. Right now I am trying mindfulness practice to see if that helps (the eMindful 30-day challenge). I hope reading all these responses is helping you to know you are not alone!

This is the OP again-it has! I'm very appreciative of all the responses. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I also feel like this! And I have partially been blaming it on being divorced and feeling alone … guess that’s not it. I hope it gets better for all of us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel like this! And I have partially been blaming it on being divorced and feeling alone … guess that’s not it. I hope it gets better for all of us!

Feel the same here! Recently divorced, turning 45 this year. I have attempted alpline mountaineering, picked up a new hobby, devoted more time to career development, spent more time with DC It will get better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am turning 50 this year and am freaking out a bit. There are a number of things I want to change about myself and don't know where to start-I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I've made a lot of mistakes and have a ton of regret. I spend a lot of time dwelling on the past which I know is not healthy or productive but I can't seem to stop doing it. I've started therapy, am eating healthfully, exercising, have been trying to meditate but am stuck. Just wondering if anyone has really "turned things around" in midlife. On the surface my life is fine-I have an okay (not great but not awful) career and a good marriage but I feel disconnected from others and really unsure of myself. I second guess myself all the time and am less confident now than I was as a young woman-this frustrates me as I feel like it should be the other way around. Just wondering if there's anyone out there who was able to get themselves out of a rut and thrive post 50. My thought processes tend to be anxious, depressive and envious towards people who are happy or more externally successful-I recognize how detrimental this is and make a lot of effort to appear as a positive person but it feels forced. I don't like how I think but am not sure how to change it...

What specifically do you find yourself stuck on, or wishing you could have done differently? Maybe there's some potential inside you that you're wishing you could unlock and figuring out how to do that would be energizing.