Husband twisting himself into a pretzel to avoid my mom

[Anonymous]

Long story short, there's some bad blood there. They both acted horribly, put me squarely in the middle, and I'm at my wit's end. Husband acted so horribly years ago, mom reacted in a way that I warned would likely not be forgiven, and that's what's happened. So here were are, years later....
So mom is having a milestone birthday. He's managed to avoid all celebrations because my mom tends to come to us, but we (my siblings) want to have a party for her at her house, out of state.
Husband refuses to go.
H: I've never been invited. Ever. In eight years. (She moved to this house 3 years ago, and prior to that was a 5 hour drive away, which he always refused to go to.)
Me: Untrue, you've chosen not to go. But even if true, you're being invited now and very much welcomed and wanted there.
H: I don't want to travel by plane.
Me: I didn't realize that was a concern. We should really rethink our plans to visit to Europe this summer (which takes place before the party would).
H: I don't want to travel domestically.
Me: I honestly don't understand that.
H: I refuse to wear a mask on a domestic flight.
Me: So wearing a mask for 2.5 hours is out of the question, but 9 hours is fine?
H: Yes.

This conversation actually took place.

So my question is this - do I just give up? Like this is never going to happen. They will never be OK and I should be OK with them never being OK? OR continue to try to make him realize that he also behaved horribly, they're both wrong, and I'm sick of being in the middle of a years-long feud?? I see his father regularly (out of town but in same state, about a three hour drive). So what's happening is my kid is getting a very skewed idea of what grandparent "matters" and what's why I'm trying to push this, but it might just be time to give up when someone uses such drivel as an excuse.

Any advice??

[Anonymous]

Give up for now. Bottom line is he's not willing and you can't make him be willing. When boundaries are not respected, people tend to defend them even more vigorously. Back off and give him more time. Yes this sucks for you and your kid, but you can't fix it.

[Anonymous]

DH here and I can understand where he is coming from. If he doesn't want to go, why do you want to force him to go? What does that buy you? It's not like your mom wants him there based on what you said. It will probably cause more stress for your mom on her bday. Go by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Your husband hates your mom and the feeling is probably mutual. If you have great relationships with both, just accept it and don't make them be in the same room together.

[Anonymous]

Buy a big present for your mom and make a big deal to your kids about how this is from mom and dad. Symbolic respect issue solved, in their eyes. I think your husband is being immature not to bury the hatchet but I don’t know what happened.

[Anonymous]

Who invited him? Your mom, explicitly? Doesn't quite sound like it.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that gives me pause is that you’re taking your kid constantly to see his parents and not your mom. This is happening so much that you’re worried that your kid is getting the wrong idea about how much each grandparent matters. Not okay.

You need to take your child to see your mom regardless of what your husband does.

I also think it’s fine for your husband to skip your mom’s birthday. You go with your kids and say “Larlo had to work”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, there's some bad blood there. They both acted horribly, put me squarely in the middle, and I'm at my wit's end. Husband acted so horribly years ago, mom reacted in a way that I warned would likely not be forgiven, and that's what's happened. So here were are, years later....
So mom is having a milestone birthday. He's managed to avoid all celebrations because my mom tends to come to us, but we (my siblings) want to have a party for her at her house, out of state.
Husband refuses to go.
H: I've never been invited. Ever. In eight years. (She moved to this house 3 years ago, and prior to that was a 5 hour drive away, which he always refused to go to.)
Me: Untrue, you've chosen not to go. But even if true, you're being invited now and very much welcomed and wanted there.
H: I don't want to travel by plane.
Me: I didn't realize that was a concern. We should really rethink our plans to visit to Europe this summer (which takes place before the party would).
H: I don't want to travel domestically.
Me: I honestly don't understand that.
H: I refuse to wear a mask on a domestic flight.
Me: So wearing a mask for 2.5 hours is out of the question, but 9 hours is fine?
H: Yes.

This conversation actually took place.

So my question is this - do I just give up? Like this is never going to happen. They will never be OK and I should be OK with them never being OK? OR continue to try to make him realize that he also behaved horribly, they're both wrong, and I'm sick of being in the middle of a years-long feud?? I see his father regularly (out of town but in same state, about a three hour drive). So what's happening is my kid is getting a very skewed idea of what grandparent "matters" and what's why I'm trying to push this, but it might just be time to give up when someone uses such drivel as an excuse.

Any advice??

Imagine you being a husband and trying to push wife into celebrating a MIL she detest and was wronged by, your husband feels the same way. Dont push him, let him be. You go and have fun.

[Anonymous]

Take your kid and go celebrate your mother's birthday. I don't understand why you want your husband to go to this particular event, or why you haven't been taking your child to visit your mother before this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, there's some bad blood there. They both acted horribly, put me squarely in the middle, and I'm at my wit's end. Husband acted so horribly years ago, mom reacted in a way that I warned would likely not be forgiven, and that's what's happened. So here were are, years later....
So mom is having a milestone birthday. He's managed to avoid all celebrations because my mom tends to come to us, but we (my siblings) want to have a party for her at her house, out of state.
Husband refuses to go.
H: I've never been invited. Ever. In eight years. (She moved to this house 3 years ago, and prior to that was a 5 hour drive away, which he always refused to go to.)
Me: Untrue, you've chosen not to go. But even if true, you're being invited now and very much welcomed and wanted there.
H: I don't want to travel by plane.
Me: I didn't realize that was a concern. We should really rethink our plans to visit to Europe this summer (which takes place before the party would).
H: I don't want to travel domestically.
Me: I honestly don't understand that.
H: I refuse to wear a mask on a domestic flight.
Me: So wearing a mask for 2.5 hours is out of the question, but 9 hours is fine?
H: Yes.

This conversation actually took place.

So my question is this - do I just give up? Like this is never going to happen. They will never be OK and I should be OK with them never being OK? OR continue to try to make him realize that he also behaved horribly, they're both wrong, and I'm sick of being in the middle of a years-long feud?? I see his father regularly (out of town but in same state, about a three hour drive). So what's happening is my kid is getting a very skewed idea of what grandparent "matters" and what's why I'm trying to push this, but it might just be time to give up when someone uses such drivel as an excuse.

Any advice??

Imagine you being a husband and trying to push wife into celebrating a MIL she detest and was wronged by, your husband feels the same way. Dont push him, let him be. You go and have fun.

I agree with the conclusion but wow what an awful analogy. Of course wife/DIL would be forced to be the better person and play nice. That's not a hard scenario to imagine.

[Anonymous]

They hate each other. Why would she even want him at her celebration?

[Anonymous]

The main problem is that he feels he can't express his feelings rationally. He really should, to gain some clarity for himself. In practice, he's perfectly right that he should not attend. Leave him at home.

Is he always that immature; does he feel he cannot have a real conversation about this issue because you've argued so much about it in the past; or does he react like a toddler because he knows he's in the wrong?

My husband and mother have clashed in the past, mostly due to my mother's craziness, and it's interesting that my husband can rationally express himself on the subject, but my mother cannot. It's like she knows her behavior was terrible, even though she will claim to her dying day that she's an innocent victim.

[Anonymous]

Why are you making problems?

They don’t like each other. Why bring him to a milestone event with every distracted by tension?

Go with your kids to see your Mom whenever you want. Leave your husband at home. He can’t keep you from traveling.

Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer some questions:

To be clear, I have taken my kid to see my mom, and he gets pissed about that! Hence the "I'm never invited" comment. He IS invited, he just chooses not to go and is rewriting history to be that he wasn't invited.

My mom has invited him. She's tried over the years to make amends. In that way only, she's "better" than he is here. She reaches out to him and tries. He ignores.

And yes, his parents have caused some major issues - I mean MAJOR issues like declaring we were out of their will because I forgot to call MIL on her birthday (she has since passed away) and I have always done everything I can to smooth things over. To the point where I literally forced my husband to go see her (all of us) when I had the bad feeling she wasn't going to make it. He wanted to put it off until it was more convenient for him. We left the next day, saw her, and she died two days later.

For me (and I get this is ME, not him) you go the extra mile with family. Not to be a doormat, but the extra mile in forgiveness and grace. We spend our whole lives interacting with one another; we're going to screw up every now and then so a little grace goes a long way.

But he doesn't see it that way and I get that.

OK, yet another family event solo, while he gets me at his side for every important event... But I do hear you and thank you for your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t make him go but he’s an a-hole and it sounds like this is consistent in many actions he takes. He’s chosen to be less of a partner to you and I’d certainly take that as permission to step back on supporting him on things that you do only for him, not b/c it’s something you want to. He’s modeling for your kid too so don’t be surprised when your kid doesn’t make effort to stay in touch.