transfer the house title to me or I'm leaving you

[Anonymous]

is the ultimatum my wife of three years gave me the day she left. I said no. As she walked down the stairs she said "I've waited to long for you to give me what I deserve, I'm strong and independent, I'll go get it myself." Those, along with several other statements are echoing in my head and its really messing with me. She left 11 months ago and the divorce is finalized but I'm still having trouble sleeping and I feel absolutely worthless.

I bought the house before we were married and had 80% equity in it. Leading up to the ultimatum she had been picking fights and I think she was actively doing things to provoke me in an attempt to blow up the marriage.

Logically my brain tells me that objectively I'm at least average (probably better than average) with regard to most items ( 5'11", 175 lbs, full head of hair, I earn at the 92% income percentile), I don't have any addiction (except maybe redbull) and our finances were solid.
I might understand her leaving if there was an valid reason (if I was abusive, cheating, etc.) but that isn't me so she left because I simply wasn't good enough for her. In many ways she, herself, wasn't all that great so If I'm not good enough for her, then what does that say about me?

I've got serious trust issues now because I'm thinking that I have no intrinsic value and apparently I don't even provide enough money to keep someone around either.

[Anonymous]

You have some seriously distorted cognition going on there. I suggest you investigate therapy.

She didn’t leave you because you weren’t good enough. She left you because she didn’t want to be married to you. A+ people can still not be right for each other and happy together. There’s not one kind of woman out there and your chances are as good as anyone’s that you can meet someone who values you as much as you value them.

But seriously, work on yourself first.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to know her leaving has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Alfred with PP you should see a therapist to work on your trust issues (of others and yourself), and your self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Dude. You need to just go out and get some strange.

[Anonymous]

Your ex was an idiot to pay toward a house she had no equity in, but it sounds like you’re better off without each other. What’s driving this three years later revisiting? Is she remarrying?

[Anonymous]

Could you just rent out your premarital house and buy a new one with her? It is indeed humiliating to live and contribute into a home which is not joint, if you are married. My exH bought a house on his name just before marriage and had a massive mortgage. Insisted on living there - I insisted on buying a second home. We divorced in 15 years. He had major trust issues, not me.
Maybe she feels you are not able to commit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex was an idiot to pay toward a house she had no equity in, but it sounds like you’re better off without each other. What’s driving this three years later revisiting? Is she remarrying?

She didn't pay towards the house. I had 80% equity before we got married. She never paid any house payments. We were married 3 years. This wasn't three years ago.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. The way you feel about yourself makes my heart ache. The way she left was cruel and she actually sounds pretty terrible, but that doesn’t reflect YOU in any way - only her (and perhaps it would be worthwhile to examine why you were attracted to someone like that).

I think therapy would be a great idea to help you get beck in your feet. I guarantee you that you can meet someone who is a much better match. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you don’t deserve it - you deserve kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex was an idiot to pay toward a house she had no equity in, but it sounds like you’re better off without each other. What’s driving this three years later revisiting? Is she remarrying?

She didn't pay towards the house. I had 80% equity before we got married. She never paid any house payments. We were married 3 years. This wasn't three years ago.

Op, I have to say, i would not be comfortable being married and having kids in a house that I couldn’t co own. Sure, maybe you paid more for it, but I’m sure she helped with maintenance etc. it just doesn’t feel good to be trying to build a home in a house that you don’t own.

My boyfriend owns a house and he is very insistent that he does not want to move, and he also does not want to add me to the title, even if we have kids.

I’m not ok with that. I’m a grown woman. I want to live in a house, that I like, that is mine. That is very important to most women.

[Anonymous]

OP, twice in your post you state that you think you have no intrinsic value. The first time was when you described all of your external attributes: physical description, lack of addictions, good finances. The second time was when you wrote, "I'm thinking that I have no intrinsic value."

My point is that you correctly recognize this failure to value yourself is a significant issue. Like other posters, I suggest you need to pursue therapy so that you can begin to value yourself.

Your wife leaving you does not mean you have no intrinsic value. What her departure means is that you're now confronting this failure to value yourself instead of external markers. That's good. It's painful - and I'm sorry you're hurting so much - but it's actually a very good thing to recognize and confront a problem. And it's a problem that's eminently fixable since you absolutely do have intrinsic value. You just need to do work to access your emotional capacity for valuing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Did she actually want you to transfer it to her, or did she want to be added onto the deed? Big difference.

[Anonymous]

I would recommend therapy, in part because I don’t think you have a very healthy approach to relationships. You held a hard line for three years on not letting her have her name on her own home for what reason? To preserve your equity in case you divorced? Congratulations, that was a self-fulfilling prophesy. My guess is there are a million other little ways you held back from fully committing to the relationship, and after three years she was tired of waiting for you to do so. Who wants to be married to someone who is so uncertain about you that they always keep one foot in the door in case they want to escape?

[Anonymous]

I’m married. Everyone I know is on the title of their homes. This is going to be a issue with every woman you date.

It would feel really gross for a husband to insist that the house you guys are supposedly building a family in doesn’t belong to both you — it must be just his. That’s a pretty big way to show her that you don’t care about her. You’re also simultaneously closing her off from one one of the primary ways of building wealth — which is home ownership.

This won’t matter while you’re dating, but if you do get married again and you maintain this me/me/me attitude, you can expect to get divorced again and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she actually want you to transfer it to her, or did she want to be added onto the deed? Big difference.

she wanted me to give her the house as in she would own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex was an idiot to pay toward a house she had no equity in, but it sounds like you’re better off without each other. What’s driving this three years later revisiting? Is she remarrying?

She didn't pay towards the house. I had 80% equity before we got married. She never paid any house payments. We were married 3 years. This wasn't three years ago.

Did she live in the house before you got married?