Struggling After Best Friend Breakup...When Will I Feel Better?

[Anonymous]

My closest friend and I grew apart when we moved to different places and she found new best friends. We continued to be in almost daily touch via text for years, but eventually I realized that she was making no effort to talk on the phone and see each other...and when I came to see her, she wasn't really into it.

I cut down on the daily texts, because they made me miss the friendship we used to have, and I was tired of her ignoring my suggestions of getting together or having a phone chat (as she gushed about her travels and get-togethers with her new friends). I don't necessarily blame her for moving on...we've both changed, and maybe those changes are too great for us to stay close. But she wants a casual text buddy and I'm not interested in that type of relationship, for both emotional and practical reasons: it was really hard for me to find time for all those texts in between a demanding job, young kids, etc.

With the time I've freed up from the texts, I'm trying to pursue new friendships. But everyone's a busy working mom, COVID limits things to some extent, there are a lot of people that I just don't click with (i.e., we'll hang out, but it's surface-level). In summary, I'm nowhere near another close friendship. I feel really sad at times and really miss having a close friend that I could talk to about literally anything, who knew me and understood me intimately (and I knew and understood her too).

I feel like I'm posting too much on here instead of having real relationships - because at least you can say whatever you want and get honest advice and it feels more real than the same introductory conversations or talking about kids or the weather or whatever.

Is there anything I can do to carry me through until I can find another close friend? I'm sure it could be a year or more, but I don't want to be sad for that long. I've always had a best friend (not this particular woman -- different people have played that role at different phases in my life, but I've always had someone to share everything with and talk to every day). I don't really know how to NOT have a BFF, like I have this need for regular connection, and my other friends are more of the "catch up every month" type. (And none of them really get me in the way that my BFF did, so I feel like I'm just comparing them to her and being frustrated that they don't match up). My DH is great, but it's not fair to lean on a partner to fulfill all your social/emotional needs.

[Anonymous]

Any reason you can’t accept this for what it is and also look for new friends?

[Anonymous]

If she was still texting you literally every day for years then it seems that maintaining a connection/friendship was important to her; there’s literally nobody that I text every day. I wouldn’t discount the regular communication just because she didn’t like to talk on the phone (I rarely get on the phone with my best friend from childhood, because it would mean we talk for hours, and that’s hard to pull off in the midst of our busy lives; we do it once or twice a year, and then it’s like no time has passed. And our friendship is no less valuable to me - but our lives are full!). When you visited, what gave you the sense that she wasn’t into it?

I guess I’m not certain why you pulled back from her. Why not maintain the connection while opening yourself up to new friendships?

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to unfriends bc you want the relationship to be different. Don’t dismiss it as done. Accept what is and add new friends. Things done have to be either or, good or bad.

[Anonymous]

And you see her true colors shining through…

[Anonymous]

Be your own best friend. Journal all the things you want to tell to a best friend.

[Anonymous]

I have a very close friend who doesn’t even live that far away who I have a daily texting relationship with. I probably only see her once or twice a year. It’s fulfilling for me and it seems like your old friend is fulfilled by the daily tests too. Your friendship has just changed but it’s still there. Maybe you can find fulfillment in daily texts from your old friend by changing your expectations. I’m sure you could pick it back up if you wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it took me a few years to get over my friend break up. I’d moved on and had a new best friend, but it still hurt

[Anonymous]

Are you able to see in your own writing that you seem to care more about someone - anyone - filling the "best friend" role in your life more than you care about this particular person? Are you able to see that what seems to upset you the most is how to cope with that role being empty, until you find the next person to fill it with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to unfriends bc you want the relationship to be different. Don’t dismiss it as done. Accept what is and add new friends. Things done have to be either or, good or bad.

OP. For a while, I did exactly that. But it was too painful for me.

I definitely have friendships that have faded and I happily accepted the changes, because I just didn't care that much. This person meant so much to me, and getting her constant texts about her adventures with her new friends, and her travels nearly every month makes me sad. It hurts me that I've suggested several times to get together and she's too busy or it's inconvenient... and then she goes on vacation with another friend instead.

I'm not labeling her as bad, and there's nothing inherently immoral in her deciding to demote me to casual text buddy, but that kind of relationship was making me really unhappy, because it was a constant reminder of what I couldn't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you able to see in your own writing that you seem to care more about someone - anyone - filling the "best friend" role in your life more than you care about this particular person? Are you able to see that what seems to upset you the most is how to cope with that role being empty, until you find the next person to fill it with?

Hmmm. This is an interesting point. I do miss her a lot, but it seemed pointless to go into the specifics of how wonderful things used to be in the heyday of our friendship. She's a different person, I'm a different person...as I said, our lives/values have taken pretty different directions in the past few years. It seems pointless to focus on the irretrievable past, and more practical to focus on finding a new BFF, since that seems like the only way out of this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP it may be exhausting to be your friend. I have had my BFF since middle school and we haven't lived in the same place since we each left for different colleges. We talk constantly but only see each other once or twice a year. I have plenty of close friends where our contact ebbs and flows. But your friendship isn't being hindered by location. It seems like while you considered her your BFF is not what she considered you. So just engage with the friends you have. Text them a bit more often but everyone is busy at this age so don't be needy. Give yourself time to think about what type of friend you are.

[Anonymous]

You sound very needy as a friend.

My childhood best friend and I have had many cycles of friendship. We drifted apart in college, then when we were young professionals, we were both one another’s maid of honors, then she got divorced and I had 3 kids. She is now childless in her 40s and I’m a sahm. We are not nearly as close as we used to be but I didn’t unfriend her or anything. I don’t call her my best friend. I call her my childhood best friend because she was my best friend when I was a child.

I have many other friends and acquaintances. She will seem lukewarm and busy and then we see one another and catch up again. The last time I saw her was last summer. Now she wants to go away for a weekend. Now I’m the busy one. I can technically make the weekend trip but I don’t know if I want to prioritize her over other friends I hang out with regularly. She lives out of state.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how old you are? If I were you, I would not totally trash the friendship. I had one friend with whom I had a breakup in my 20s, but we later reconciled. We text regularly, see each other and phone infrequently, but no one knows me like she does (more than 20 years) and when we do get together, it is always like no time has passed. I have another friend who is literally on the other side of the Earth, and the communication is even more infrequent but the feeling is the same. They are like sisters. I do crave a more here-physically-in-my-life friendship, someone I can actually do things with, and sometimes I have that, but no one can replace my longtime friends and how much they mean to me.

[Anonymous]

Do adults in middle ages have the kind of friendship you are looking for? It sounds like college/early adult friendship or maybe retiree/widow friendship when people have A LOT of time and mental space.

At some point in your life, you need to be able to make decisions and emotionally process things on your own without having to run it by someone else. Maybe that time is now.