Struggling After Best Friend Breakup...When Will I Feel Better?

[Anonymous]

I have a very good friend group but we don’t text every day, we are busy working moms. You should try and make friends with local people you can get together with in person, no one wants to zoom friends every day.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being too rigid about what a BFF friendship should be, and if you continue like this you're going to miss out on relationships that you didn't have to discard, but just didn't meet your rigid criteria, plus you'll be disappointed because it is really hard to make friends like the ones we made when we were young. And trust me, not everyone is up for the text-every-day and intimacy that you seem to expect. I would say, most people with husbands and kids are not up for the level of friendship that you are seeking.

So actually I think you have some other issue that you are taking out on this area of your life. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, but I think therapy would be good for you.

[Anonymous]

It's very painful when someone who we thought treasured a close bond with us seems not to care as much as we do. However the fact is that some people just aren't good at long distance relationships, which take a different kind of effort and thought to maintain than in-person.

The kind of ache you describe makes me think that you maybe shouldn't expect another person to fill the same role this person did. Maybe you'll grow and change, and meet someone who can be close in a different way. If you can find a way to be happy in your life and feel fulfilled with or without friends, you'll appreciate this person for who she was as her own person and not as someone who filled a need for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how old you are? If I were you, I would not totally trash the friendship. I had one friend with whom I had a breakup in my 20s, but we later reconciled. We text regularly, see each other and phone infrequently, but no one knows me like she does (more than 20 years) and when we do get together, it is always like no time has passed. I have another friend who is literally on the other side of the Earth, and the communication is even more infrequent but the feeling is the same. They are like sisters. I do crave a more here-physically-in-my-life friendship, someone I can actually do things with, and sometimes I have that, but no one can replace my longtime friends and how much they mean to me.

OP. I'm in my late 30s. I have friends like this too - known them forever, we're in infrequent contact, but so wonderful when we catch up. I also have always had one friend that I talk to almost every day, because I enjoy that level of connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do adults in middle ages have the kind of friendship you are looking for? It sounds like college/early adult friendship or maybe retiree/widow friendship when people have A LOT of time and mental space.

At some point in your life, you need to be able to make decisions and emotionally process things on your own without having to run it by someone else. Maybe that time is now.

OP. This is a good question. I've had these kinds of friendships continuously up until now. Actually, when I started having babies, it looked like a lot of moms were looking for regular connections and I knew multiple very close mom duos or small groups that hung out and talked all the time. I was part of one But ever since moving, I just haven't been able to find it. Maybe as kids get older people aren't interested in the same way we were as new moms?

And I think I'm pretty competent in my life, just lonely. I think some people just enjoy having a close connection - someone to hang out with every week or two and text in between the get-togethers. I don't think it's a sign of weakness or neediness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being too rigid about what a BFF friendship should be, and if you continue like this you're going to miss out on relationships that you didn't have to discard, but just didn't meet your rigid criteria, plus you'll be disappointed because it is really hard to make friends like the ones we made when we were young. And trust me, not everyone is up for the text-every-day and intimacy that you seem to expect. I would say, most people with husbands and kids are not up for the level of friendship that you are seeking.

So actually I think you have some other issue that you are taking out on this area of your life. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, but I think therapy would be good for you.

OP. I know not everyone is up for it. I am grateful for and enjoy a number of different friendships. I wouldn't want to be intimate/text every day with the vast majority of people I've met anyway

However, it would be nice to have one such person! And I've had this experience with multiple people, and I know other people with best friends that they see and/or talk to all the time. Maybe I've been lucky and it's much rarer than I realized.

I'll have to think more about what other issue/need might be lurking under the surface for me...could very well be some deeper thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do adults in middle ages have the kind of friendship you are looking for? It sounds like college/early adult friendship or maybe retiree/widow friendship when people have A LOT of time and mental space.

At some point in your life, you need to be able to make decisions and emotionally process things on your own without having to run it by someone else. Maybe that time is now.

Yes? A lot of people do have close adult friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being too rigid about what a BFF friendship should be, and if you continue like this you're going to miss out on relationships that you didn't have to discard, but just didn't meet your rigid criteria, plus you'll be disappointed because it is really hard to make friends like the ones we made when we were young. And trust me, not everyone is up for the text-every-day and intimacy that you seem to expect. I would say, most people with husbands and kids are not up for the level of friendship that you are seeking.

So actually I think you have some other issue that you are taking out on this area of your life. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, but I think therapy would be good for you.

Dam. You don't need therapy for wanting close friends. Any therapist is going to tell you that it's a normal human desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do adults in middle ages have the kind of friendship you are looking for? It sounds like college/early adult friendship or maybe retiree/widow friendship when people have A LOT of time and mental space.

At some point in your life, you need to be able to make decisions and emotionally process things on your own without having to run it by someone else. Maybe that time is now.

Yes? A lot of people do have close adult friendships.

Female friendships are so important! They fill huge gaps. OP, you’re not alone. I’m feeling rudderless myself without close pals right now. The last two years have been awful for friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do adults in middle ages have the kind of friendship you are looking for? It sounds like college/early adult friendship or maybe retiree/widow friendship when people have A LOT of time and mental space.

At some point in your life, you need to be able to make decisions and emotionally process things on your own without having to run it by someone else. Maybe that time is now.

OP. This is a good question. I've had these kinds of friendships continuously up until now. Actually, when I started having babies, it looked like a lot of moms were looking for regular connections and I knew multiple very close mom duos or small groups that hung out and talked all the time. I was part of one But ever since moving, I just haven't been able to find it. Maybe as kids get older people aren't interested in the same way we were as new moms?

And I think I'm pretty competent in my life, just lonely. I think some people just enjoy having a close connection - someone to hang out with every week or two and text in between the get-togethers. I don't think it's a sign of weakness or neediness.

I could have written this. Spending time with close female friends/relatives brings me such warmth and joy. After moving and having a falling out with my sister, I am also very lonely and am not sure how to go about finding friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really sympathize with you because I've had a painful friend breakup which was just that, and it was over a misunderstanding. It really hurt me and I only conceptualized it as a breakup a long time afterwards.

I'm also someone who wants the deep connection and not just surface level, though I can appreciate the surface level and enjoy it to a point.

Here's what I have found.
First, it's a numbers game. Like dating. I am extroverted so this comes easy to me but I chat up other moms on playgrounds, respond positively if someone talks to me.... Sometimes it clicks. Rarely, as it's random people. But sometimes you meet someone who e.g. clearly has the same parenting philosophy as you, or who is talking about things you care about and had the same views, or something.

Second, people change. They drift in and out of your life. People I was so close to, my bridesmaids: one, the friend of my childhood, is always nice and friendly but we are too different. One cut me off entirely and I don't know why, one is single and childless and too far away it's just too different. But one, who used to be flaky and always hard to get, has mellowed over the years, is proactive and wants to hang out and has always been a genuine and good person when we meet. And now is reciprocating all the overtures I made to her to hang out with her for so many years.

So don't cut off contact entirely. Mourn the loss of this relationship but no need to delete your ex of Facebook and block her on all sister media. You never know when life might have you reconnect.