4 kids
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Anonymous
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I know many people will think I'm crazy.
We already have 3 kids 4 years old and younger (less than 2 years apart). We've been talking about when to make our final decision on having no more kids - we'll do vasectomy. We are one of those couples that would have 6 kids if we could! But, we have limited resources/support (not to mention the planet's limited resources!). For those of you with 4 kids, how did you decide to have a 4th? What we talked about today is me prioritizing my health, getting back in shape (I just turned 33, I'm 5 months postpartum, BFing, and need to lose about 30 lbs), and making a decision in about a year. I wouldn't want to wait much longer than that - it's been my dream to be done having kids by 35! We're not rich, we're two feds, don't own a home, but we have lots of love, and come from humble origins and large families ourselves. We seem to have a very different mindset than a lot of people. Like, we keep remarking how siblings are the best gifts we gave our kids because they all play together, even with the 5 month old! They are happiest together and such a joy! Tell me if you have felt similar things and decided to have a 4th... |
Anonymous
| I don't think you are crazy, we are pregnant with our fourth and I'm turning 33 soon as well. We love our growing family and feel incredibly blessed. It's true that other people may not agree with your desire to have a large family. You can't please everybody. It's best to just place the negative commentary to the side and focus on living your life for yourself. Everyone has an opinion but they will never step in and take on your responsibility or make your decisions for you - so it's just noise at a certain level. But anyways, we have limited support in a sense but we try to focus on what we do have: the ability and desire to provide a loving, nurturing, safe home for our kids. It's great to see our kids playing together and exploring the world together. All the best to you and your husband as you both make this decision! |
Anonymous
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We had four children in five years. They are what we both wanted and we are lucky they were all born healthy. I am a bit older than you.
We do not have family help but are dual income and financial sound. Life is complex a family of six. You need to navigate school, activities, strong personalities, etc. We are lucky to afford tutors, extended day, and daily help. You have time to think through what adding a fourth will do to your family. Be realistic if you may be short changing any of your current kids. |
Anonymous
| I feel similar, we are dual working parents. Our toddlers love babies and my spouse and I parent well together. Most likely we still stop at 3 due to financial, logistical, and age considerations (we are older). If I were in your shoes then I would go for it. |
Anonymous
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If the security of owning your own is a goal then I would not have a fourth.
Current average cost of raising a child to age 17 in the USA is $237,000. Can you manage to pay $1 million just to get your kids through their junior years of HS? Right now you’re facing fronting more than $700k just to do that with the three you already have. On two fed salaries doing that and owning a home is going to be basically impossible. I’d stick with three and be able to do some of the things having a fourth will make impossible or very challenging (modest vacations, summer camp, travel sport team if one is talented). |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you have a great heart for parenting a larger family, but the money would make me totally stop at three. We only have one child, and make good money and are smart about our finances, and I am still worried about having enough for expenses, college (even though we already have $50,000 in his 529 and he’s only 3), making mortgage payments and retirement. Financial security is the number one reason we decided not to have more children. I wish you luck whatever your heart decides! |
Anonymous
| You don’t own a home- that’s a more important goal than having four children. |
Anonymous
| We had four but there’s a big gap between the second and third, and I was baby crazy at the time and didn’t want the third to be without a buddy. But we owned a home, and college was covered. |
Anonymous
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I am 38 pregnant with #3, have 5 embryos in a freezer, am having to decide between a repeat C or trying to vbac and I still am thinking about a 4th (which could be my 3rd c section). We don't own now but are close to starting to look.
I don't consider having a large family a ding on the environment if you raise them with environmental values. They can be a net positive if they convert whoever they partner with. We managed to shove 3 carseats into our hatchback. If you feel guilty about the environment change your lifestyle. Kids can go to college on scholarships. Too many kids are going to college anyway and graduating to work at starbucks. If my kids don't have amazing grades and collect a bunch of student aid I'm going to steer them into entrepreneurship or trade school. In my view, if they can only get their degree with high 5 figures in debt that is the universe (and the system) telling them they're not meant to be there. They can get AP college credits and go to state school. This coming generation is going to be slimmer and schools will start to be forced to compete for students. I came from a "poor" family with 6 kids and I resent my parents more for the lack of help (e.g. getting driver's license on time) than the lack of fancy vacations. Ask any kid with a rich distant parent. Time/attention is more important than money. As long as you can afford the basics (e.g. braces) money is not important. |
Anonymous
| I am one of 4 and have 4. I would like more. |
Anonymous
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I’m a mother of 4. I get it, op.
But the greatest gift you can give your kids is not being a financial burden to them as you age. You should focus on buying a little home and building your retirement and savings. |
Anonymous
Definitely disagree. Having the family you want is much more important than whether you own or rent. |
Anonymous
| I'd wait a year. Get an IUD put it and just focus on what you have right now. |
Anonymous
Np I don't have four and never ever would want four but, I have a question. What is the reason you want four children? I can't imagine looking at your five month old and looking to add to the family rather than just stop and enjoy the baby you have. Before you go ahead and have the fourth I would ask more questions of yourself. You mention limited resources/support but, you didn't mention time. Do you think you can give each child the time they need? If you kids were spread out more than you probably could give more time to each. I don't know why you are stuck at finishing by 35. Your focus should be the physical, mental health/needs of every member of your family. Don't just add a child because you see yourself as a "mother to four" You have no idea what your kids will need and if I were you I would wait until the youngest is 2 or so. When people mention no family support I don't understand because they are your kids and your choice. Why would you expect free help for your choice? Siblings are great but, they need attention and love from their parents most of all. If you are both working than time is going to be limited. Just think before you decide to do this. Just my perspective and you are free to ignore. |
Anonymous
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Your greatest resource is your time with each child. I had twins on my surprise third pregnancy and even now that the little girls are three, I feel guilty about never having enough time with my older kids. That my older kids just accept that their time with their parents and their parents attention is scarce breaks my heart.
Tuitions are going to kill us. If one of my kids had special needs, we wouldn’t survive financially or emotionally. While I love my kids and can’t imagine life without them, four is a lot of children! Stop while you’re ahead, OP. |