4 kids

[Anonymous]

I am one of four. I was so sad when my mom said we were having another kid but he turned out great and it gave good balance to my family. Being a family of 6 was more complicated in some ways--bigger car, multiple hotel rooms when we traveled, another college tuition--but my mom said the hardest jump was from 2 kids to 3; after that, you're just in a parenting zone and it doesn't matter how many more you have. Not sure if that would be true for everyone, and we had 8 years from oldest to youngest which is more than it seems you'd have, but one anecdote.

OP, if you aren't sure, maybe wait until oldest is in kindergarten and another is potty trained and see how you're feeling.

I could also see you being good at foster parenting, if you can balance the appointments with your schedule, are ok with supporting family reunification, and you have the space (different counties have different rules, but regardless of what's allowed I think it's good to have a separate room for a foster child). It's often recommended not to foster or adopt out of birth order, so at first you'd only take babies and you could age up as your youngest got older. Some counties have a huge need for foster parents for any age group and some probably have more people willing to take babies than they need (like in DC they mostly need folks who will take older kids and sibling sets) but putting it out there as something else for you and your spouse to discuss in a year or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know many people will think I'm crazy.
We already have 3 kids 4 years old and younger (less than 2 years apart).
We've been talking about when to make our final decision on having no more kids - we'll do vasectomy.
We are one of those couples that would have 6 kids if we could!
But, we have limited resources/support (not to mention the planet's limited resources!).

For those of you with 4 kids, how did you decide to have a 4th?
What we talked about today is me prioritizing my health, getting back in shape (I just turned 33, I'm 5 months postpartum, BFing, and need to lose about 30 lbs), and making a decision in about a year. I wouldn't want to wait much longer than that - it's been my dream to be done having kids by 35!

We're not rich, we're two feds, don't own a home, but we have lots of love, and come from humble origins and large families ourselves.

We seem to have a very different mindset than a lot of people. Like, we keep remarking how siblings are the best gifts we gave our kids because they all play together, even with the 5 month old! They are happiest together and such a joy!

Tell me if you have felt similar things and decided to have a 4th...

Np I don't have four and never ever would want four but, I have a question. What is the reason you want four children? I can't imagine looking at your five month old and looking to add to the family rather than just stop and enjoy the baby you have. Before you go ahead and have the fourth I would ask more questions of yourself. You mention limited resources/support but, you didn't mention time. Do you think you can give each child the time they need? If you kids were spread out more than you probably could give more time to each. I don't know why you are stuck at finishing by 35. Your focus should be the physical, mental health/needs of every member of your family. Don't just add a child because you see yourself as a "mother to four" You have no idea what your kids will need and if I were you I would wait until the youngest is 2 or so. When people mention no family support I don't understand because they are your kids and your choice. Why would you expect free help for your choice?

Siblings are great but, they need attention and love from their parents most of all. If you are both working than time is going to be limited. Just think before you decide to do this. Just my perspective and you are free to ignore.

Good point. Age 35-39 pregnancies are not considered high risk anymore, esp if you've already had uneventful pregnancies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your greatest resource is your time with each child. I had twins on my surprise third pregnancy and even now that the little girls are three, I feel guilty about never having enough time with my older kids. That my older kids just accept that their time with their parents and their parents attention is scarce breaks my heart.

Tuitions are going to kill us. If one of my kids had special needs, we wouldn’t survive financially or emotionally.

While I love my kids and can’t imagine life without them, four is a lot of children! Stop while you’re ahead, OP.

This. You don’t know if your fourth pregnancy will give you twins or a special needs child. Count your blessings and don’t push it.

[Anonymous]

It’s an evolutionary mechanism to desire more children. Rise above your hormones and do what is in the best interest of your existing children. How would a fourth sibling add to their lives? What is the baby has health issues or special needs?

My advice is to stop now. You barely have time or resources for the kids you have.

[Anonymous]

I say go for it, you like kids, and it is wise to have them as young as you can. It is not necessary at all to own a house in order to have kids, that is why rent control exists. With six kids, all will probably get college aid and that’s what loans and state colleges are for, anyway. Out of curiosity, what is your childcare strategy?

[Anonymous]

What a depressing thread

[Anonymous]

Yikes, I guess people who aren't able to have more than one child suck then because siblings are the greatest gift?

I originally wanted 5 kids but I've seen how my cousin's family of 7 is and how other large families are. Older kids are parentified, discipline goes out the window after about the 3rd kid, no one gets enough attention or resources, etc. And these are well-off homeowners. Not to mention the toll on your uterus. My cousin had to have a hysterectomy after having 5 kids one right after the other.

[Anonymous]

I only have two, but we're friends with a family who has 4, and I think it's great. That said, I don't see how you can do it w/o a stay at home parent.

In their case, kids still do some activities, but their weekends seem to be mostly family time. They're all fairly close in age, so no older kids acting as second parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the security of owning your own is a goal then I would not have a fourth.

Current average cost of raising a child to age 17 in the USA is $237,000. Can you manage to pay $1 million just to get your kids through their junior years of HS? Right now you’re facing fronting more than $700k just to do that with the three you already have.

On two fed salaries doing that and owning a home is going to be basically impossible. I’d stick with three and be able to do some of the things having a fourth will make impossible or very challenging (modest vacations, summer camp, travel sport team if one is talented).

Owning (or renting) a larger home is already included into the cost of raising a child, so most of the cost is already in. Or do you think that feeding and clothing a kid costs over $10K/year, on average?

[Anonymous]

I am the oldest of four and have 3, would have loved to have a 4th but the 3rd my third c-section and the doctor said it wasn't safe to try for a 4th.

My youngest is in middle school and I still feel like I am missing that 4th child despite being very happy with my life and my children. Like anything else there are trade offs but I think the amount of attention from parents is balanced with the additional siblings in your life - neither is better than the other in my experience. If you like children and enjoy the joyful chaos that being a pack brings I would go for it

[Anonymous]

My third is six weeks and I am definitely not going to have anymore. It’s just too hard. How do you with 3+ do it?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both Feds with flexible careers. We have three kids (10, 8, 5), and I can't imagine a fourth with both of us continuing to work full-time. We're at the point of looking to advancing our careers, and there's no way we could do that with a fourth. No way.

Maybe with a ton of outside help, but neither of us have the desire for an au pair, nor do we have helpful local family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So many honest responses. Thank you! A few of my thoughts:
- Home ownership: We literally have no desire to own a home. We both come from international backgrounds and much prefer the idea of being able to move/change as needed. In many ways I am a minimalist: we are creative and thrifty and don't own much. Like, a new toy in, one old toy is given away. Our neighbors are surprised we don't even have a storage unit, but we don't need it. I don't hang onto things that we don't use regularly or won't/haven't used in a year. Recycle ♻ items for fun art/craft/building activities. We do not need a large home. We prefer to save (we save about 20% of our income) and could eventually buy a home when we want to - that might be in 10 or 15 years. For now, we're renting with an amazing deal, with a great relationship with the owner, who has not raised rent in 5 years and apparently doesn't have the desire to have new tenants. Score. I have no feeling that we would need to own a home before having any certain number of children. I realize for many people, that's a prerequisite for marriage or 1st child. For us, it's just... Not.
- Time: We spend so much time with our 3 children. DH and I actually split our hours working so we can care for the baby ourselves. Once she's a year old we'll get a nanny share or something but we spend a lot of time with the kids because we plan around caring for them as our priority. Even with the older two, we spend a lot of time together. I have no guilt or issues with not providing time and love for each child.

Health: Other than not losing the baby weight (pandemic, recent Covid quarantine, etc., has definitely affected my willpower to eat right to lose weight!), I am really healthy, produce an abundance of milk, enjoy BFing... I love having a baby. I would love any baby we'd have, SN, twins, doesn't matter... I honestly would love any baby and those possibilities don't worry me. It's a chance with any baby.
- Why even consider having more children? Well... This is the hardest part to explain because it's obviously very rooted in emotion/biology and not necessarily logic/rational thought. The best explanation I can give is:
We are so happy with our children and I have been truly surprised to see the joy and happiness only multiply since our 3rd has joined us, especially now as she's social, interacting with her siblings, laughing, wanting their attention, oldest sibling babies her and helps, like feeding her (I'm right there), helping get her clothes, diapers, etc... Seeing the oldest child blossom in this role has been the most endearing thing. And seeing how the baby loves most when her siblings are loud, running around her, the baby just loves it and feels lonely when the room is quiet without them!
There's just so much joy.

Anyway. It's probably postpartum hormones making me think about this. As if, I need to make a decision now when obviously I do not.

Likely I'm going to prioritize my health next, hire a personal trainer, so I'm back in shape, and we can revisit this when baby's over 1 year old

[Anonymous]

OP, I really appreciate this thread/your original post because when people ask how many kids I want I always “like five but that’s ridiculous” but it’s also …kind of true? I absolutely adore kids and always was kind of sad my parents stopped with me. I just had my second and I’ll probably not have more biological kids for various reasons but if I ever have the space/freedom with respect to job stuff I probably will get certified to foster parent. But like you, this is something I’ll revisit again in a year or so.

(The struggle to get back to pre pregnancy weight is real. Good luck to both of us. 🤪)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd wait a year. Get an IUD put it and just focus on what you have right now.

OP here. After baby #2, I decided to get an IUD at about 7 months postpartum, because I don't want to take birth control pills & I'd heard great things about the "non-hormonal" copper IUD.

Within 5 hours I was in horrible pain! It was sharp, intense pain, literally worse than contractions in labor!!! It was insane. Like, way worse than any of my (unmedicated) deliveries. So, I got it removed about 24 hours after insertion. I was very surprised because I hadn't read of much of a likelihood for that type of experience.
The technician who removed it said, "Oh yeah, it's more common when you're breastfeeding, because your uterus contracts when you breastfeed." Other moms I know got them while BFing and said that's ridiculous.

Needless to say, never getting an IUD again! I would rather (literally!) give birth!!

This is also why I kind of want to make a sort of final decision on when to stop having kids, because we'll schedule that snip snip appointment for DH!! (Vasectomy lol)