We’re rich and uncomfortable talking about money as a result
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Anonymous
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None inherited. No gifts from parents although they contributed to education. I grew up probably lower upper class. We always had plenty of things, but parents spent everything when it came in and rarely saved.
We are much wealthier than either of our parents. We have considerable amounts in retirement accounts, non retirement accounts and a spread across numerous assets classes. We always carry a considerable amount of liquidity. Our monthly spending is objectively compared to society generally high but insignificant for our income and net worth level. We have a very nice lifestyle. The kids will occasionally ask if we are rich and I tell them that we are, but that they should not tell other people that because you never want other people to feel bad about differences in money. We have lengthy dialogue about responsibilities with money, why even if we are rich they still can’t get most things that they want, charity, etc. But yesterday my 10 year old asked me straight up how much I made and I was embarrassed to tell her. I told her a lot and she asked for a specific amount. I told her that I had to think about it before answering. That the question made me feel uncomfortable and that I would get back to her about whether I was comfortable to tell her. I’ve had other friends occasionally ask a money related question and I usually dodge, but recently I sold a business for a very significant sum and a friend directly asked how much I sold it for. I told him and now question whether I should have (ironically he probably presumes that it is the lions share of our net worth, when It’s far from it. It made me feel very uncomfortable, not that I think he would share or that it came from a bad place at all. Our social circle is well off to very well off, with some exceptions, but we are undoubtedly the wealthiest. They know that, but not the magnitude of how much wealthier. We will leave some amount to our kids, but definitely not the majority of our wealth and possibly a very small percentage. It makes feel awkward. I don’t want to come across cagey, but also don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. The latter matters to me more. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Why on earth would you tell your 10 year old how much you make? If I told my kid and it’s a lot, he’d probably think we are poor because so and so you tuber makes $8m. |
Anonymous
| I am not sure what your question is. Honestly, you shouldn't be talking about money anyway. If you have so much, go donate some to charity. |
Anonymous
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Kids don't really need to know that. You have no idea what they want to do with that information. My child overheard us talking about how much the house was worth, and for a while tried to use that to justify us buying them anything they wanted ("But the house is worth a million dollllllars.") The things to address are why they are asking. Are they insecure about something -- know of a kid in a housing crisis, for example. Then reassure them.
But my comeback when they want something and say "but you have a lot of money" is "We have a lot of money because we don't just buy every darn thing out there". And at that age, they may absolutely share it without thinking. |
Anonymous
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When they ask how much you sold your business for, just say the terms of the deal included confidentiality so you can't reveal it or they'll do X.
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Anonymous
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Actually you don't feel uncomfortable since you told your friend and now your 10 year old. There are so many ways to answer these questions in a non specific way.
Friend: A lot. More than I expected. Markets good so that helped. Enough and so glad to be done with it. Kid: Enough to make your life comfortable. Why don't you tell me how much you think? This is a good reminder it is impolite to ask anyone what their salary is. |
Anonymous
| What you're doing/ how you're feeling is very common/normal but you should try not to stress about it. That stress is 100% unnecessary. Tell your kid you will explain later when you can go over all the money matters with them or wait until you can be sure you won't immediately regret saying anything (which is likely the case now) |
Anonymous
| Yet you are here talking about it… |
Anonymous
Wut?! 
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Anonymous
| Um. I was raised to know that you never discuss money. Maybe it’s a new money thing? |
Anonymous
np Because she is looking for ways to handle the questions! Your comment was not very helpful, pp for my kid I would ask why they needed to know. Maybe their friend told them how much their parents made. If you do tell him/her be prepared that the kid will tell others. Telling him not to share might not work. I would tell him that it isn't any of his business, frankly. Maybe give him more jobs around the house so he can earn money. As for the neighbor/friend next time say I'm not comfortable talking about money so I am not going to tell you. How pushy! |
Anonymous
Except that this isn’t actually right. It’s our historical norm but every financial planner, advisor, economist, sociologist and therapist will tell you that it’s wrong. |
Anonymous
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Your discomfort has a source. You should go to therapy to figure it out. But, armchair psychiatrist here, I think you have guilt issues around your wealth and you are likely afraid to discuss it because you don't want to be revealed as undeserving. You may also have come to over identify with both your wealth and the professional success that brought it, as evidence of your "goodness". This might make you feel protective of it and fearful of losing it, because if you lost your wealth you would no longer be "good". Again, just speculating, but these are unhealthy attitudes about money and could be causing your discomfort.
To me the give-away is how you introduce this topic in your post. You begin by explaining your wealth is earned. This is an important entry point for you. Why? Some people earn wealth, some inherit it. We live in a world where truly self-made people are very rare, and here you acknowledge that you grew up fairly well off and your parents paid for your education, two things that make it much more likely you will accumulate wealth. It's common for rich people to really fixate on this question of whether or not they "deserve" their wealth, and people who continue to believe being very wealthy is something you can deserve will continue to have extreme discomfort around the subject. You need to learn that wealth is just wealth. It's not evident of goodness anymore than poverty is evidence of badness (you don't think poverty is evidence of being a bad person, do you?). Whether it comes from your own work or you inherit it, at a certain level it becomes a job in and of itself, something to manage and deal with. If you don't like that job, you can always get rid of it -- there are lots of ways to get rid of money. You are not required to lead a certain kind of life because of your wealth or be a certain kind of person. It's just money. |
Anonymous
A lot of business sales include a confidentiality clause, and theres'a penalty for violating it. For example, the previous owner may have been allowed to retain a few shares in the new company, and they could lose those. Or they could be sued for monetary penalties if the contract included that. |
Anonymous
+1 Spot on. OP, there are people that choose to go through their lives counting other people's pennies and keeping score. - how is that working for them? Not your circus, not your monkeys. |