We’re rich and uncomfortable talking about money as a result

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet you are here talking about it…

NP. I think being anonymous + having strangers read the post might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When they ask how much you sold your business for, just say the terms of the deal included confidentiality so you can't reveal it or they'll do X.

Wut?!

A lot of business sales include a confidentiality clause, and theres'a penalty for violating it. For example, the previous owner may have been allowed to retain a few shares in the new company, and they could lose those. Or they could be sued for monetary penalties if the contract included that.

Also, even if a business sale is made public, it usually does not say how it was disbursed - so people may or may not have $100m or $100k - Google will never know.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the finance industry and believe that both being truthful and understanding money are important for both children and families. When my kids ask how much my car costs or how much I make, I tell them (coincidentally, my oldest is similar in age to yours at 11). I told them not to brag about it at school and that it can make others feel bad or be considered rude. If someone else is offended through word of mouth from their kid, not really my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your discomfort has a source. You should go to therapy to figure it out. But, armchair psychiatrist here, I think you have guilt issues around your wealth and you are likely afraid to discuss it because you don't want to be revealed as undeserving. You may also have come to over identify with both your wealth and the professional success that brought it, as evidence of your "goodness". This might make you feel protective of it and fearful of losing it, because if you lost your wealth you would no longer be "good". Again, just speculating, but these are unhealthy attitudes about money and could be causing your discomfort.

To me the give-away is how you introduce this topic in your post. You begin by explaining your wealth is earned. This is an important entry point for you. Why? Some people earn wealth, some inherit it. We live in a world where truly self-made people are very rare, and here you acknowledge that you grew up fairly well off and your parents paid for your education, two things that make it much more likely you will accumulate wealth. It's common for rich people to really fixate on this question of whether or not they "deserve" their wealth, and people who continue to believe being very wealthy is something you can deserve will continue to have extreme discomfort around the subject.

You need to learn that wealth is just wealth. It's not evident of goodness anymore than poverty is evidence of badness (you don't think poverty is evidence of being a bad person, do you?). Whether it comes from your own work or you inherit it, at a certain level it becomes a job in and of itself, something to manage and deal with. If you don't like that job, you can always get rid of it -- there are lots of ways to get rid of money. You are not required to lead a certain kind of life because of your wealth or be a certain kind of person.

It's just money.[/quote

Perhaps. But you do sound like a Gladys Kravitz! Your trying to put the oneness on OP does not mean that OP has to answer anyone's questions, because she does not have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the finance industry and believe that both being truthful and understanding money are important for both children and families. When my kids ask how much my car costs or how much I make, I tell them (coincidentally, my oldest is similar in age to yours at 11). I told them not to brag about it at school and that it can make others feel bad or be considered rude. If someone else is offended through word of mouth from their kid, not really my problem.

HAHAHAHA. No. Kids talk. Nice try, though.

[Anonymous]

I recommend a book by Ron Lieber, The Opposite of Spoiled. A lot of it is about the money and the conversations you have with your kids about money. I am sure you'll find some helpful pointers there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None inherited. No gifts from parents although they contributed to education. I grew up probably lower upper class. We always had plenty of things, but parents spent everything when it came in and rarely saved.

We are much wealthier than either of our parents. We have considerable amounts in retirement accounts, non retirement accounts and a spread across numerous assets classes. We always carry a considerable amount of liquidity. Our monthly spending is objectively compared to society generally high but insignificant for our income and net worth level.

We have a very nice lifestyle. The kids will occasionally ask if we are rich and I tell them that we are, but that they should not tell other people that because you never want other people to feel bad about differences in money. We have lengthy dialogue about responsibilities with money, why even if we are rich they still can’t get most things that they want, charity, etc.

But yesterday my 10 year old asked me straight up how much I made and I was embarrassed to tell her. I told her a lot and she asked for a specific amount. I told her that I had to think about it before answering. That the question made me feel uncomfortable and that I would get back to her about whether I was comfortable to tell her. I’ve had other friends occasionally ask a money related question and I usually dodge, but recently I sold a business for a very significant sum and a friend directly asked how much I sold it for. I told him and now question whether I should have (ironically he probably presumes that it is the lions share of our net worth, when It’s far from it. It made me feel very uncomfortable, not that I think he would share or that it came from a bad place at all.

Our social circle is well off to very well off, with some exceptions, but we are undoubtedly the wealthiest. They know that, but not the magnitude of how much wealthier. We will leave some amount to our kids, but definitely not the majority of our wealth and possibly a very small percentage.

It makes feel awkward. I don’t want to come across cagey, but also don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. The latter matters to me more.

Thoughts?

OP, I know twenty and thirty somethings that recently bought $3m, $4m, $5m new build homes - it never occurred to me that it was my business how or why - or even that they should pay for dinner!

Have they had people ask nosy questions about everything from their bank account balance, to their investments, to their sex life? They have, because the askers are complete a-holes ('looking for dirt" where there is none), and not really their friends. People who ask nosy questions want to believe, deeply, that you are as miserable as they are.

While the situation may be perplexing to some, their (the nosy person's) false sense of entitlement is not your issue.

[Anonymous]

Why are you telling us what you won't leave to your kids when you die?

You actually have a weird hangup about money. Don't force that on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you telling us what you won't leave to your kids when you die?

You actually have a weird hangup about money. Don't force that on your kids.

Maybe op wants them to work for a living instead of waiting around for the inheritance? Give a kid a purpose and drive? Lots of famous people tell their kids they will get nothing to make sure their kids have a sense of purpose instead of drugs, booze or partying ( Bono, Sting and Gordon Ramsey are three examples)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um. I was raised to know that you never discuss money. Maybe it’s a new money thing?

I was raised not to talk about your money, like you wouldn't talk about your sex life. It's personal and nobody needs to know. But married into a southern family that talks about how much money they have, how much they owe AND THEY WILL ASK YOU about your money. How much is your salary, your mortgage, your 401k, do you have home equity loans. It blows my mind. I am stunned in silence when they talk about it. It shocks me like if someone asked me - how often do you get layed? do you swallow? do you own sex toys? Why in the he!! do my relatives need to know about our money or sex life?

[Anonymous]

First (rich people) world problems. Meanwhile, families having to pick between rent and other bills. I swear DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your discomfort has a source. You should go to therapy to figure it out. But, armchair psychiatrist here, I think you have guilt issues around your wealth and you are likely afraid to discuss it because you don't want to be revealed as undeserving. You may also have come to over identify with both your wealth and the professional success that brought it, as evidence of your "goodness". This might make you feel protective of it and fearful of losing it, because if you lost your wealth you would no longer be "good". Again, just speculating, but these are unhealthy attitudes about money and could be causing your discomfort.

To me the give-away is how you introduce this topic in your post. You begin by explaining your wealth is earned. This is an important entry point for you. Why? Some people earn wealth, some inherit it. We live in a world where truly self-made people are very rare, and here you acknowledge that you grew up fairly well off and your parents paid for your education, two things that make it much more likely you will accumulate wealth. It's common for rich people to really fixate on this question of whether or not they "deserve" their wealth, and people who continue to believe being very wealthy is something you can deserve will continue to have extreme discomfort around the subject.

You need to learn that wealth is just wealth. It's not evident of goodness anymore than poverty is evidence of badness (you don't think poverty is evidence of being a bad person, do you?). Whether it comes from your own work or you inherit it, at a certain level it becomes a job in and of itself, something to manage and deal with. If you don't like that job, you can always get rid of it -- there are lots of ways to get rid of money. You are not required to lead a certain kind of life because of your wealth or be a certain kind of person.

It's just money.[/quote

Perhaps. But you do sound like a Gladys Kravitz! Your trying to put the oneness on OP does not mean that OP has to answer anyone's questions, because she does not have to.

I don't know who Gladys Kravitz is, but that's the whole problem -- OP feels the need to answer these questions, and struggles with doing so, even though she's not under an obligations to answer them. The issue is internal to OP -- why does she feel accountable to people who ask about her wealth? I think it's because she has not herself made peace with it. So questions that stem from curiosity in others cause her great stress because it reminds her of a subject she can't reconcile.

You can advise OP to just not answer these questions, which I think is fine advice, but it will not address her underlying discomfort which is entirely about her own relationship with her money. I went through a period in life where I felt extremely put upon when people would ask me very basic questions about my career. I wasn't obligated to answer the questions and often didn't, but the problem wasn't the questions or even how I answered. It's that my discomfort was evidence of a much larger issue I had with my work that I had to resolve. Now when people ask me about my work, I might answer or not but it doesn't stress me out. Because I have found my peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the finance industry and believe that both being truthful and understanding money are important for both children and families. When my kids ask how much my car costs or how much I make, I tell them (coincidentally, my oldest is similar in age to yours at 11). I told them not to brag about it at school and that it can make others feel bad or be considered rude. If someone else is offended through word of mouth from their kid, not really my problem.

Does your kid go to a financially diverse school?

[Anonymous]

This is so funny. A lady at work her 20 year old som asked what she and dad make. She said $450k a year. Long pause and son goes that’s it. To hey shock he is a popular you tuber making 650k a year. You never know. He exploded.

[Anonymous]

Op you are strange at best. Weird. You need help. Please seek counseling.