We’re rich and uncomfortable talking about money as a result

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you are strange at best. Weird. You need help. Please seek counseling.

For being rich?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um. I was raised to know that you never discuss money. Maybe it’s a new money thing?

I was raised not to talk about your money, like you wouldn't talk about your sex life. It's personal and nobody needs to know. But married into a southern family that talks about how much money they have, how much they owe AND THEY WILL ASK YOU about your money. How much is your salary, your mortgage, your 401k, do you have home equity loans. It blows my mind. I am stunned in silence when they talk about it. It shocks me like if someone asked me - how often do you get layed? do you swallow? do you own sex toys? Why in the he!! do my relatives need to know about our money or sex life?

+1

People that don't it feel they need to know about people who do - same goes for both money and sex.

Thing is, even if you agree with them (or don't) they still aren't pacified, so it's pretty much hopeless, either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your discomfort has a source. You should go to therapy to figure it out. But, armchair psychiatrist here, I think you have guilt issues around your wealth and you are likely afraid to discuss it because you don't want to be revealed as undeserving. You may also have come to over identify with both your wealth and the professional success that brought it, as evidence of your "goodness". This might make you feel protective of it and fearful of losing it, because if you lost your wealth you would no longer be "good". Again, just speculating, but these are unhealthy attitudes about money and could be causing your discomfort.

To me the give-away is how you introduce this topic in your post. You begin by explaining your wealth is earned. This is an important entry point for you. Why? Some people earn wealth, some inherit it. We live in a world where truly self-made people are very rare, and here you acknowledge that you grew up fairly well off and your parents paid for your education, two things that make it much more likely you will accumulate wealth. It's common for rich people to really fixate on this question of whether or not they "deserve" their wealth, and people who continue to believe being very wealthy is something you can deserve will continue to have extreme discomfort around the subject.

You need to learn that wealth is just wealth. It's not evident of goodness anymore than poverty is evidence of badness (you don't think poverty is evidence of being a bad person, do you?). Whether it comes from your own work or you inherit it, at a certain level it becomes a job in and of itself, something to manage and deal with. If you don't like that job, you can always get rid of it -- there are lots of ways to get rid of money. You are not required to lead a certain kind of life because of your wealth or be a certain kind of person.

It's just money.[/quote

Perhaps. But you do sound like a Gladys Kravitz! Your trying to put the oneness on OP does not mean that OP has to answer anyone's questions, because she does not have to.

I don't know who Gladys Kravitz is, but that's the whole problem -- OP feels the need to answer these questions, and struggles with doing so, even though she's not under an obligations to answer them. The issue is internal to OP -- why does she feel accountable to people who ask about her wealth? I think it's because she has not herself made peace with it. So questions that stem from curiosity in others cause her great stress because it reminds her of a subject she can't reconcile.

You can advise OP to just not answer these questions, which I think is fine advice, but it will not address her underlying discomfort which is entirely about her own relationship with her money. I went through a period in life where I felt extremely put upon when people would ask me very basic questions about my career. I wasn't obligated to answer the questions and often didn't, but the problem wasn't the questions or even how I answered. It's that my discomfort was evidence of a much larger issue I had with my work that I had to resolve. Now when people ask me about my work, I might answer or not but it doesn't stress me out. Because I have found my peace with it.

Perhaps, but it is no reason to be harsh to OP on an anon board, unless you are one of those entitled nosy people OP speaks of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so funny. A lady at work her 20 year old som asked what she and dad make. She said $450k a year. Long pause and son goes that’s it. To hey shock he is a popular you tuber making 650k a year. You never know. He exploded.

Yeah, people want to believe their inaccurate judgments and assumptions are true. Know what that makes them?

[Anonymous]

I think that it is very poor judgement to tell a 10 year old your income.

In the way you tell this story, it comes across as if you are frightened to tell your child “no”.

Why were you unable to tell your child that they don’t need to know that information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it is very poor judgement to tell a 10 year old your income.

In the way you tell this story, it comes across as if you are frightened to tell your child “no”.

Why were you unable to tell your child that they don’t need to know that information?

I think it’s poor judgment that you often tell your child no when they seek information.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is to focus your kids’ interest in money by teaching them how to save and invest.

[Anonymous]

Our 22 year old and 19 year old have zero idea what we earn. They just know that we live a comfortable life. We aren't wealthy, but we're doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

Humble brag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the finance industry and believe that both being truthful and understanding money are important for both children and families. When my kids ask how much my car costs or how much I make, I tell them (coincidentally, my oldest is similar in age to yours at 11). I told them not to brag about it at school and that it can make others feel bad or be considered rude. If someone else is offended through word of mouth from their kid, not really my problem.

HAHAHAHA. No. Kids talk. Nice try, though.

As I said, not my problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your discomfort has a source. You should go to therapy to figure it out. But, armchair psychiatrist here, I think you have guilt issues around your wealth and you are likely afraid to discuss it because you don't want to be revealed as undeserving. You may also have come to over identify with both your wealth and the professional success that brought it, as evidence of your "goodness". This might make you feel protective of it and fearful of losing it, because if you lost your wealth you would no longer be "good". Again, just speculating, but these are unhealthy attitudes about money and could be causing your discomfort.

To me the give-away is how you introduce this topic in your post. You begin by explaining your wealth is earned. This is an important entry point for you. Why? Some people earn wealth, some inherit it. We live in a world where truly self-made people are very rare, and here you acknowledge that you grew up fairly well off and your parents paid for your education, two things that make it much more likely you will accumulate wealth. It's common for rich people to really fixate on this question of whether or not they "deserve" their wealth, and people who continue to believe being very wealthy is something you can deserve will continue to have extreme discomfort around the subject.

You need to learn that wealth is just wealth. It's not evident of goodness anymore than poverty is evidence of badness (you don't think poverty is evidence of being a bad person, do you?). Whether it comes from your own work or you inherit it, at a certain level it becomes a job in and of itself, something to manage and deal with. If you don't like that job, you can always get rid of it -- there are lots of ways to get rid of money. You are not required to lead a certain kind of life because of your wealth or be a certain kind of person.

It's just money.[/quote

Perhaps. But you do sound like a Gladys Kravitz! Your trying to put the oneness on OP does not mean that OP has to answer anyone's questions, because she does not have to.

I don't know who Gladys Kravitz is, but that's the whole problem -- OP feels the need to answer these questions, and struggles with doing so, even though she's not under an obligations to answer them. The issue is internal to OP -- why does she feel accountable to people who ask about her wealth? I think it's because she has not herself made peace with it. So questions that stem from curiosity in others cause her great stress because it reminds her of a subject she can't reconcile.

You can advise OP to just not answer these questions, which I think is fine advice, but it will not address her underlying discomfort which is entirely about her own relationship with her money. I went through a period in life where I felt extremely put upon when people would ask me very basic questions about my career. I wasn't obligated to answer the questions and often didn't, but the problem wasn't the questions or even how I answered. It's that my discomfort was evidence of a much larger issue I had with my work that I had to resolve. Now when people ask me about my work, I might answer or not but it doesn't stress me out. Because I have found my peace with it.

Perhaps, but it is no reason to be harsh to OP on an anon board, unless you are one of those entitled nosy people OP speaks of.

Sometimes honesty feels hurtful because it cuts too close to a truth you are not yet ready to confront. That doesn't make it unduly harsh.

My whole point was that I"ve been in a similar situation and discovered my discomfort had everything to do with my private anxiety on the subject, and not with how nosy or entitled others were being. Once you reconcile your feelings on an issue, nosy people don't really bother you anymore because it's relatively easy to tell them to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Your discomfort is what makes people uncomfortable. You have every right to hold boundaries around sharing this kind of personal information (or any personal information, for that matter).

Possible responses, for anyone:
That’s not information I’m comfortable sharing
Why do you ask?
[say nothing, long pause]
Enough
We’re comfortable

Do what works for you, but setting and maintaining boundaries is a life skill.

[Anonymous]

I would never, ever tell anyone what our HHI is, and I don’t think I’m at all unusual in that regard. I also wouldn’t tell my kids at that age, though we might talk about the “average family,” versus us in vague terms.

[Anonymous]

Nice brag,

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to tell people if you don’t want to but I have to ask: since you say you don’t want to leave the money to your kids and save rather than spend — why are you hanging onto so much that it makes you uncomfortable? Finding a charity you like and giving them enough of your money so you no longer feel self conscious about it will also solve your problem.