Should I Talk to My Family About Conflict With My Brother?

[Anonymous]

I recently stopped talking to my only sibling.

We've always had a rocky relationship (family of origin was emotionally immature, a lot of yelling and rudeness all around). 5-6 years ago, I went to therapy, worked through my past, and learned what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. I tried to repair things with my brother and create a healthier dynamic. But there's a big problem: he's one of those people who is convinced he's always right. So, whenever any disagreement comes up (which is inevitable with siblings, and especially with us because we have very different values and beliefs), he refuses to see my perspective as valid. So it's his way or nothing.

I explained to him that for a relationship to function, people have to understand each other's perspectives and compromise. His response? "I can't help it that you're so often wrong."
I kept trying to reason with him, but he would just go on the attack explaining how wrong I am and why, and saying some really hurtful things in the process.

So, I said it's better for us not to talk but I'm always here for him if he is ever ready to drop the "I'm right/you're wrong" dynamic.

I mentioned this to my parents and grandparents, and this broke their hearts. They are very emotional people, in their culture family is the #1 thing, and they encouraged me to make up with my brother (and said the same to him). In their minds, we're both equally at fault and we need to make this work.

I tried again to talk things through with my brother. It was a painful conversation and again ended up exactly where we started.

He asked me not to bring our parents into our issues. My mom also mentioned that it's all very painful to her and asked me not to talk to her about it.

It really bothers me that my family thinks that this is a me problem. I really want them to understand that I've done everything I could. That my only choice is to accept his false narrative that I'm a condescending, bumbling, exhausting, overly sensitive person who always plays the victim, is always wrong, and has ruined the relationship, or to go no contact. I know I'm not perfect and I'm 100% willing to accept my faults and try to improve based on feedback - I've often taken the first step, but he never reciprocates.

My parents and grandparents live close by and I talk to them and see them all the time, so this isn't a matter of getting through a once-a-year holiday dinner. They're also in regular contact with my brother. I don't want to stop talking to my whole family.

This is all so painful for me and is really affecting my work and my relationship with my husband/kids. I would be grateful for some unbiased perspectives for how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

My guess is you talk about it to much and try to push your point of view. Go lower key with less drama.

[Anonymous]

What sort of things do you talk about that he feels he is right about and you are wrong about?

[Anonymous]

I spent many years considering myself the victim in a similar family dynamic. Then over time I started doing some soul searching, and realized there were ways I had also contributed to problems and brought drama into the family. I’ve since focused on my behavior and what I contribute to a situation. Word of caution: what prompted me to take a close look at myself was realizing my mom always put herself in the victim role, yet she often instigated issues.

I’ve also noticed this about therapists: they are giving you advice based on your filtered/biased view. If you are pushing issues onto your brother and want to hash things out to death, he is naturally going to recoil.

[Anonymous]

Guess what -a lot of guys don’t want to talk about the state of a relationship. Your brother is clearly one of these men. Can you really not de-escalate this by just talking about the weather or something next time you see him? Learn to be civil and move on with your life. And stop trying to drag other people into this -you are an adult, stop acting like a petulant teen not getting her way.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see your brother during the year? The holidays and big family events? Learn to deal with it. Hopefully you are not having conversations about politics or Covid. Keep it light— like the weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently stopped talking to my only sibling.

We've always had a rocky relationship (family of origin was emotionally immature, a lot of yelling and rudeness all around). 5-6 years ago, I went to therapy, worked through my past, and learned what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. I tried to repair things with my brother and create a healthier dynamic. But there's a big problem: he's one of those people who is convinced he's always right. So, whenever any disagreement comes up (which is inevitable with siblings, and especially with us because we have very different values and beliefs), he refuses to see my perspective as valid. So it's his way or nothing.

I explained to him that for a relationship to function, people have to understand each other's perspectives and compromise. His response? "I can't help it that you're so often wrong."
I kept trying to reason with him, but he would just go on the attack explaining how wrong I am and why, and saying some really hurtful things in the process.

So, I said it's better for us not to talk but I'm always here for him if he is ever ready to drop the "I'm right/you're wrong" dynamic.

I mentioned this to my parents and grandparents, and this broke their hearts. They are very emotional people, in their culture family is the #1 thing, and they encouraged me to make up with my brother (and said the same to him). In their minds, we're both equally at fault and we need to make this work.

I tried again to talk things through with my brother. It was a painful conversation and again ended up exactly where we started.

He asked me not to bring our parents into our issues. My mom also mentioned that it's all very painful to her and asked me not to talk to her about it.

It really bothers me that my family thinks that this is a me problem. I really want them to understand that I've done everything I could. That my only choice is to accept his false narrative that I'm a condescending, bumbling, exhausting, overly sensitive person who always plays the victim, is always wrong, and has ruined the relationship, or to go no contact. I know I'm not perfect and I'm 100% willing to accept my faults and try to improve based on feedback - I've often taken the first step, but he never reciprocates.

My parents and grandparents live close by and I talk to them and see them all the time, so this isn't a matter of getting through a once-a-year holiday dinner. They're also in regular contact with my brother. I don't want to stop talking to my whole family.

This is all so painful for me and is really affecting my work and my relationship with my husband/kids. I would be grateful for some unbiased perspectives for how to handle this.

So, what you really want is for your family to recognize and admit that you are right and your brother is in the wrong?

You and your brother are more alike than you realize, OP.

[Anonymous]

Grey rock your brother, and don't tell anyone you are doing it. Stop having any personal conversations with him, don't give him any more emotional ammo and limit time as needed. I don't think I'd go immediately to no contact unless there is abuse happening.

Maintain your relationship with your parents/grandparents as normal.

Try this for a year and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who is like your brother. We still talk, but I’ve accepted it’ll always just be a superficial relationship. We see each other once a year max, the rest is mostly just texting memes or whatever every couple weeks. We keep topics to things that aren’t really right/wrong, just superficial, fluffy topics.

I do think it sounds like you’re doing too much explaining to everyone. You could possibly be controlling, or lack the ability to draw boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about explaining to people why you’re right and they need to listen, it’s deciding what you won’t tolerate for your own peace of mind and then following through on consequences. Try less talking.

[Anonymous]

I was kinda with you until this paragraph:

It really bothers me that my family thinks that this is a me problem. I really want them to understand that I've done everything I could. That my only choice is to accept his false narrative that I'm a condescending, bumbling, exhausting, overly sensitive person who always plays the victim, is always wrong, and has ruined the relationship, or to go no contact. I know I'm not perfect and I'm 100% willing to accept my faults and try to improve based on feedback - I've often taken the first step, but he never reciprocates.

Why are your only choices to play a victim or go no contact? THat's ludicrous. Why not just be who you are? you don't have to talk everything to death, or "make someone else understand" anything. Just be.

Why do you have disagreements? What are you disagreeing about?

Him: Please pass the potato salad?
You: you know you need to accept my right not to pass the potato salad

As a healthy functioning adult, you have your life. Live it. Interact with your brother when you are together with family, keep it light and cordial, and that's it. Anything else is you bringing drama to the situation.

[Anonymous]

You are perseverating. Look it up. It's bad.

It's normal to have disagreements, and often, the people you disagree with won't be mature about it. You can't make them communicate better, or resolve conflicts your way. Everyone has their say, and that's that. You distance yourself for a while and think about something else.

And please don't drag the rest of your family into this.

I assume you're not in a long-term relationship - please don't do this with your significant other either. It's extremely annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was kinda with you until this paragraph:

It really bothers me that my family thinks that this is a me problem. I really want them to understand that I've done everything I could. That my only choice is to accept his false narrative that I'm a condescending, bumbling, exhausting, overly sensitive person who always plays the victim, is always wrong, and has ruined the relationship, or to go no contact. I know I'm not perfect and I'm 100% willing to accept my faults and try to improve based on feedback - I've often taken the first step, but he never reciprocates.

Why are your only choices to play a victim or go no contact? THat's ludicrous. Why not just be who you are? you don't have to talk everything to death, or "make someone else understand" anything. Just be.

Why do you have disagreements? What are you disagreeing about?

Him: Please pass the potato salad?
You: you know you need to accept my right not to pass the potato salad

As a healthy functioning adult, you have your life. Live it. Interact with your brother when you are together with family, keep it light and cordial, and that's it. Anything else is you bringing drama to the situation.

OP here. He will say things like:

"So, how's work? Your business still afloat? (surprised tone). Good for you, I guess"
"Oh, you're dragging your kids across the country for vacation again? Poor kids."

Recent disagreements were
- I am a bad sister because I don't call him (I am really busy and our conversations leave me feeling sad because he's putting me down so much, so I don't call a lot). I tried to explain to him why I don't call and how I would like him not to put down my life choices. He says it's his right to have opinions and I'm too sensitive.

- I am unreasonable for asking to see my nephews more. They live 1.5 hours away, so in-person visits are only possible 2-3 times/year, and I'm an idiot for suggesting otherwise.

- A mother's place is in the home and I shouldn't be working.

- I was too cheap in holiday gifts. Historically, we always give bigger gifts than they do. I tried to tone it down this year to match what they give, and they happened to buy a big gift for my kid. I asked him not to call me cheap and go off on me for this one-time situation when I have been giving him and his kids bigger gifts for years!

He is always speaking with this tone of total superiority, like of course he's 100% right and I'm an idiot.

Ultimately, almost every time I interacted with him, I would leave feeling like total shit. It would seep into my work and relationships with my DH and kids. I was trying to set a boundary and protect my mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are perseverating. Look it up. It's bad.

It's normal to have disagreements, and often, the people you disagree with won't be mature about it. You can't make them communicate better, or resolve conflicts your way. Everyone has their say, and that's that. You distance yourself for a while and think about something else.

And please don't drag the rest of your family into this.

I assume you're not in a long-term relationship - please don't do this with your significant other either. It's extremely annoying.

OP. I looked up perseverating but I don't really get it. When I interact with my brother, he treats me badly, so I was trying to set a boundary and walk away, not to continue this vicious cycle.

My DH and I don't have this issue because he's a normal person. When we disagree, we talk it out and meet halfway, like any other functional relationship.

[Anonymous]

You want your parents to pick a side. Your side. And they won't because you are both equally at fault. They aren't even on his side. You sound very immature. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was kinda with you until this paragraph:

It really bothers me that my family thinks that this is a me problem. I really want them to understand that I've done everything I could. That my only choice is to accept his false narrative that I'm a condescending, bumbling, exhausting, overly sensitive person who always plays the victim, is always wrong, and has ruined the relationship, or to go no contact. I know I'm not perfect and I'm 100% willing to accept my faults and try to improve based on feedback - I've often taken the first step, but he never reciprocates.

Why are your only choices to play a victim or go no contact? THat's ludicrous. Why not just be who you are? you don't have to talk everything to death, or "make someone else understand" anything. Just be.

Why do you have disagreements? What are you disagreeing about?

Him: Please pass the potato salad?
You: you know you need to accept my right not to pass the potato salad

As a healthy functioning adult, you have your life. Live it. Interact with your brother when you are together with family, keep it light and cordial, and that's it. Anything else is you bringing drama to the situation.

OP here. He will say things like:

"So, how's work? Your business still afloat? (surprised tone). Good for you, I guess"
"Oh, you're dragging your kids across the country for vacation again? Poor kids."

Recent disagreements were
- I am a bad sister because I don't call him (I am really busy and our conversations leave me feeling sad because he's putting me down so much, so I don't call a lot). I tried to explain to him why I don't call and how I would like him not to put down my life choices. He says it's his right to have opinions and I'm too sensitive.

- I am unreasonable for asking to see my nephews more. They live 1.5 hours away, so in-person visits are only possible 2-3 times/year, and I'm an idiot for suggesting otherwise.

- A mother's place is in the home and I shouldn't be working.

- I was too cheap in holiday gifts. Historically, we always give bigger gifts than they do. I tried to tone it down this year to match what they give, and they happened to buy a big gift for my kid. I asked him not to call me cheap and go off on me for this one-time situation when I have been giving him and his kids bigger gifts for years!

He is always speaking with this tone of total superiority, like of course he's 100% right and I'm an idiot.

Ultimately, almost every time I interacted with him, I would leave feeling like total shit. It would seep into my work and relationships with my DH and kids. I was trying to set a boundary and protect my mental health.

That is the key point. Maybe you are too sensitive. It does sound like you and your brother are very similar and many times people can't see that. You both want to be right but you are just more sensitive when you aren't. Your feelings get hurt when he points out that you are wrong. When you point out he is wrong he gets mean.

Same issue different outcomes.

And for all that is holy leave your poor parents and grandparents out of this! Both of you need to grow up and you need to stop being a tattletale.