Husband frustrated about career and taking it out on me

[Anonymous]

We are a two career couple. He hasn’t had the success he wants in his career, and I have. His goal is to hit a certain benchmark before he turns 50. He is feeling unsupported and takes it out on me.

We have two young kids and I have a job also. I put a lot on the back burner to deal with the kids during the pandemic. I feel like no matter what I sacrifice it doesn’t count because he hasn’t hit his goal. I can’t control if he does or not, and I can’t live in misery until he does. He is unbearable. At least if I divorce him he will have to get off my case because he has a 50/50 split mandated and will just live with it.

Any women who have BTDT, please advise. This can’t go on. The only thing that could make him a happy man to live with again is if he gets his goal, and for professional reasons it’s at least 5 years out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a two career couple. He hasn’t had the success he wants in his career, and I have. His goal is to hit a certain benchmark before he turns 50. He is feeling unsupported and takes it out on me.

We have two young kids and I have a job also. I put a lot on the back burner to deal with the kids during the pandemic. I feel like no matter what I sacrifice it doesn’t count because he hasn’t hit his goal. I can’t control if he does or not, and I can’t live in misery until he does. He is unbearable. At least if I divorce him he will have to get off my case because he has a 50/50 split mandated and will just live with it.

Any women who have BTDT, please advise. This can’t go on. The only thing that could make him a happy man to live with again is if he gets his goal, and for professional reasons it’s at least 5 years out.

Suck it up and stay the course. Things will look different later don’t permanently break your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a two career couple. He hasn’t had the success he wants in his career, and I have. His goal is to hit a certain benchmark before he turns 50. He is feeling unsupported and takes it out on me.

We have two young kids and I have a job also. I put a lot on the back burner to deal with the kids during the pandemic. I feel like no matter what I sacrifice it doesn’t count because he hasn’t hit his goal. I can’t control if he does or not, and I can’t live in misery until he does. He is unbearable. At least if I divorce him he will have to get off my case because he has a 50/50 split mandated and will just live with it.

Any women who have BTDT, please advise. This can’t go on. The only thing that could make him a happy man to live with again is if he gets his goal, and for professional reasons it’s at least 5 years out.

The problem is not if he is a happy man or not - I will believe you if you say that he’s so messed up that they only thing that will make him happy is achieving his goal.

The problem is that he thinks it’s okay to take it out on you. If he achieves his goal, life will still have other frustrations, and he’ll still think it’s OK to take them out on you. You’re not there to be his emotional punching bag.

It’s not a career problem. It’s a him problem.

My first suggestion would be individual counseling to help you learn how to draw boundaries around his behavior.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling might help. DH and I were both taking our frustrations out on each other. This time last year we were seriously considering divorce. We’ve been seeing a counselor for about 14 months and it’s been really difficult at times but things are so much better. But we both agreed there was a problem and we were both committed to staying married if we could turn things around.

[Anonymous]

A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

[Anonymous]

I was sort of your DH, and all I can say is that his behavior doesn't sound okay. In my case, taking it out on my spouse would have been more justified, because I did make very specific career sacrifices for him. But in the end, they were my decisions...and ones I also made for our family.

It sounds like your DH would benefit from a therapist to help him work through his emotions. People don't achieve their goals for all kinds of reasons, and it's not worth blowing up their family over. In my case, I came to realize that I didn't really want to be on the career trajectory I was on...and I changed quite a bit and have achieved things that are more fulfilling for me (though probably less impressive). Either way, I'm no longer wondering what else could have been.

In terms of what you can do, recognize that what he's experiencing is a kind of anticipatory loss of the life/career he thought he'd have. If he is a high achiever type, it's one that may get to the core of who he thinks he is and what he's worth. Basically, treat him kindly, but expect kindness in return too. And don't allow this to be your problem. He is the only one who can find his happiness/contentment. At most you can help him see the way his current emotional state is harming his family as motivation for him to get help.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him he needs individual therapy and therapy with you or you are seriously contemplating divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a two career couple. He hasn’t had the success he wants in his career, and I have. His goal is to hit a certain benchmark before he turns 50. He is feeling unsupported and takes it out on me.

We have two young kids and I have a job also. I put a lot on the back burner to deal with the kids during the pandemic. I feel like no matter what I sacrifice it doesn’t count because he hasn’t hit his goal. I can’t control if he does or not, and I can’t live in misery until he does. He is unbearable. At least if I divorce him he will have to get off my case because he has a 50/50 split mandated and will just live with it.

Any women who have BTDT, please advise. This can’t go on. The only thing that could make him a happy man to live with again is if he gets his goal, and for professional reasons it’s at least 5 years out.

The problem is not if he is a happy man or not - I will believe you if you say that he’s so messed up that they only thing that will make him happy is achieving his goal.

The problem is that he thinks it’s okay to take it out on you. If he achieves his goal, life will still have other frustrations, and he’ll still think it’s OK to take them out on you. You’re not there to be his emotional punching bag.

It’s not a career problem. It’s a him problem.

My first suggestion would be individual counseling to help you learn how to draw boundaries around his behavior.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Good luck to you.

Thanks, I agree with this.

The issue is with the pandemic we haven’t had childcare for long stretches of time and so we are both down on actual work hours. I have sucked up a lot in my career and basically made peace with the fact that I won’t advance during this time. He doesn’t have that luxury so I understand why it’s more stressful for him. But it’s a freaking global pandemic, I can’t control that stuff closes or nannies quit or we can’t find one who is COVID safe or whatever!

I did so much to make sure the kids would be ok during the first year of this that I’ve been burned out the second year. I feel like he expects me to dance around his needs and I am tired. I am tired of dealing with this fundamental insecurity about his place in the world, which probably goes back into some unconscious insecurities and generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

If it’s tenure, I’m sorry. That system sucks. But it still doesn’t make it okay for him to take it out on his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

So he's an asshole is what you're saying.

[Anonymous]

From direct experience, there is an absurd number of men who define their self-worth strictly by how successful they are professionally, which they translate into how Good A Provider they are, even when much of it is about their own Ego. When that doesn't go how they envision, they feel they are worthless.

If you consider this from that perspective, his behavior makes sense. It doesn't make it okay, but it starts with being able to see his perspective. I recommend he work with a therapist to discuss that toxic pattern, or perhaps you could try counseling together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From direct experience, there is an absurd number of men who define their self-worth strictly by how successful they are professionally, which they translate into how Good A Provider they are, even when much of it is about their own Ego. When that doesn't go how they envision, they feel they are worthless.

If you consider this from that perspective, his behavior makes sense. It doesn't make it okay, but it starts with being able to see his perspective. I recommend he work with a therapist to discuss that toxic pattern, or perhaps you could try counseling together.

Yes, I get that he feels worthless.

I am tired of feeling worthless too. If I have to divorce I will still have to deal with everything but at least not with his fragile ego issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

So he's an asshole is what you're saying.

He’s behaving like one under stress, yes. Does everyone? I don’t know. I am only married to this asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A goal like this sounds awfully specific. If this is something like "making partner" there are other variables out there beyond his contril. If you share the specific goal we can help with data.

Yes, it is specific. Like making partner. There are many variables beyond his control and that’s exactly why he’s taking out his frustrations for his lack of control over the process on the one thing he can pick on without facing professional repercussions, ie me.

So he's an asshole is what you're saying.

He’s behaving like one under stress, yes. Does everyone? I don’t know. I am only married to this asshole.

No - not everyone behaves like this, habitually, under stress. Everyone’s an asshole occasionally, but this doesn’t sound occasional.

You need to draw some boundaries; if he can’t treat you decently, he needs counseling or (if he doesn’t think he needs to treat you decently) he needs to go.