Reply to Husband frustrated about career and taking it out on me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are a two career couple. He hasn’t had the success he wants in his career, and I have. His goal is to hit a certain benchmark before he turns 50. He is feeling unsupported and takes it out on me.

We have two young kids and I have a job also. I put a lot on the back burner to deal with the kids during the pandemic. I feel like no matter what I sacrifice it doesn’t count because he hasn’t hit his goal. I can’t control if he does or not, and I can’t live in misery until he does. He is unbearable. At least if I divorce him he will have to get off my case because he has a 50/50 split mandated and will just live with it.

Any women who have BTDT, please advise. This can’t go on. The only thing that could make him a happy man to live with again is if he gets his goal, and for professional reasons it’s at least 5 years out.[/quote]

The problem is not if he is a happy man or not - I will believe you if you say that he’s so messed up that they only thing that will make him happy is achieving his goal.

The problem is that he thinks it’s okay to take it out on you. If he achieves his goal, life will still have other frustrations, and he’ll still think it’s OK to take them out on you.  You’re not there to be his emotional punching bag.

It’s not a career problem. It’s a him problem.

My first suggestion would be individual counseling to help you learn how to draw boundaries around his behavior.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Good luck to you.  [/quote]

Thanks, I agree with this.

The issue is with the pandemic we haven’t had childcare for long stretches of time and so we are both down on actual work hours. I have sucked up a lot in my career and basically made peace with the fact that I won’t advance during this time. He doesn’t have that luxury so I understand why it’s more stressful for him. But it’s a freaking global pandemic, I can’t control that stuff closes or nannies quit or we can’t find one who is COVID safe or whatever!

I did so much to make sure the kids would be ok during the first year of this that I’ve been burned out the second year. I feel like he expects me to dance around his needs and I am tired. I am tired of dealing with this fundamental insecurity about his place in the world, which probably goes back into some unconscious insecurities and generational trauma.[/quote]

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