Mom and boundaries

[Anonymous]

I’m sure there’s a million threads about similar issues, but here I go. I’m divorced, have a 3 year old son, and my mom has been very involved in helping care for my son (daycare drop offs/pick ups, if he needs to be watched for whatever reason), but I’m starting to feel like she is becoming more and more controlling, and feels entitled to do so because she helps so much.

An example:

-She brought an ancient, huge, keurig machine and kept it on my counter bc I don’t have a coffee machine (I just use a small esprssso machine). I told her I don’t want this bc I have a small kitchen and very limited counter space, but sometimes she “feels like a coffee” when she’s at my house. Annoying, but I let it go.
-constantly telling me what my house should look like, get rid of this, when am I gonna do that, etc.
-I told her I was planning on getting a babysitter for occasional girls nights out (and I do eventually want to start dating). She got extremely upset and feels it is unsafe to get a sitter, even though I would ONLY go out after my son is asleep at 7. The more I let her watch my son, the more emeshed in my personal life and as a 36 year old woman, is none of her business no matter how much one loves their parents.
-the latest one really angered me: I got personalized stockings for my son and I for our mantle. She got very upset that I did not get her one, and I think she even cried. I told her kindly that this was my house. She can get stockings and do whatever she wants with my son at her house (tho she does not have a chimney). I can understand why she was hurt, but I am starting to REALLY feel like she wants to be parent #2, and that my son and I don’t have a family life of our OWN. She feels very entitled to his whereabouts, what we do, because she helps so much. But when I try to get help from outside, it is a full on rage.

I don’t know how else to talk to her- she also gets very angry, very easily, as generous as she can be. Another example, she asked how much my bonus was this year and I told her I was not going to tell her. She got mad, and justified it with “I’m your mom, why can’t I ask you?!”

Help?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to her less. Seriously. Don't tell her you're thinking of getting a babysitter or going out with friends. Why does she need to know that? It doesn't affect her.

Her feelings about a stocking are not your responsibility. If she's upset, let her be upset.

Keep in mind she might have a "we're all in this single parenting thing together, I AM your village" mentality which might not mesh with your "I am a strong, confident single mother making things work on my own and a family of two is absolutely still a family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to her less. Seriously. Don't tell her you're thinking of getting a babysitter or going out with friends. Why does she need to know that? It doesn't affect her.

Her feelings about a stocking are not your responsibility. If she's upset, let her be upset.

Keep in mind she might have a "we're all in this single parenting thing together, I AM your village" mentality which might not mesh with your "I am a strong, confident single mother making things work on my own and a family of two is absolutely still a family."

Thank you for your response. I only told her because she seems exhausted watching my son sometimes- and she’ll downright tell me how tired she is (she still works part-time). She was so livid, and shot back with “fine! You find someone next week who will wake up early and take your son to school, and pick him up and feed him dinner and put him to bed!” To me, it was very over the top.

Your last sentence really makes sense, and this is exactly why we clash. I have always prided myself on being independent (not to be confused with not asking for help), and always making it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to her less. Seriously. Don't tell her you're thinking of getting a babysitter or going out with friends. Why does she need to know that? It doesn't affect her.

Her feelings about a stocking are not your responsibility. If she's upset, let her be upset.

Keep in mind she might have a "we're all in this single parenting thing together, I AM your village" mentality which might not mesh with your "I am a strong, confident single mother making things work on my own and a family of two is absolutely still a family."

Thank you for your response. I only told her because she seems exhausted watching my son sometimes- and she’ll downright tell me how tired she is (she still works part-time). She was so livid, and shot back with “fine! You find someone next week who will wake up early and take your son to school, and pick him up and feed him dinner and put him to bed!” To me, it was very over the top.

Your last sentence really makes sense, and this is exactly why we clash. I have always prided myself on being independent (not to be confused with not asking for help), and always making it work.

Just start hiring babysitters. Don't even tell her. Don't tell her you're working late and then meeting friends for dinner, because then she can't ask "But who's getting Schmoopsy from school and giving him dinner and putting him to bed?"

[Anonymous]

I'd go get her a stocking - seems like an easy solution to that issue, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She got very upset that I did not get her one, and I think she even cried. I told her kindly that this was my house. She can get stockings and do whatever she wants with my son at her house (tho she does not have a chimney).

Will she be with you when you open stockings? If so, it would have been nice to include her in your stocking order. If not, it's weird to suggest that she can get your child a second stocking for her place. That DOES sound like you are treating her like an equal co-parent living in a different household!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure there’s a million threads about similar issues, but here I go. I’m divorced, have a 3 year old son, and my mom has been very involved in helping care for my son (daycare drop offs/pick ups, if he needs to be watched for whatever reason), but I’m starting to feel like she is becoming more and more controlling, and feels entitled to do so because she helps so much.

An example:

-She brought an ancient, huge, keurig machine and kept it on my counter bc I don’t have a coffee machine (I just use a small esprssso machine). I told her I don’t want this bc I have a small kitchen and very limited counter space, but sometimes she “feels like a coffee” when she’s at my house. Annoying, but I let it go.
-constantly telling me what my house should look like, get rid of this, when am I gonna do that, etc.
-I told her I was planning on getting a babysitter for occasional girls nights out (and I do eventually want to start dating). She got extremely upset and feels it is unsafe to get a sitter, even though I would ONLY go out after my son is asleep at 7. The more I let her watch my son, the more emeshed in my personal life and as a 36 year old woman, is none of her business no matter how much one loves their parents.
-the latest one really angered me: I got personalized stockings for my son and I for our mantle. She got very upset that I did not get her one, and I think she even cried. I told her kindly that this was my house. She can get stockings and do whatever she wants with my son at her house (tho she does not have a chimney). I can understand why she was hurt, but I am starting to REALLY feel like she wants to be parent #2, and that my son and I don’t have a family life of our OWN. She feels very entitled to his whereabouts, what we do, because she helps so much. But when I try to get help from outside, it is a full on rage.

I don’t know how else to talk to her- she also gets very angry, very easily, as generous as she can be. Another example, she asked how much my bonus was this year and I told her I was not going to tell her. She got mad, and justified it with “I’m your mom, why can’t I ask you?!”

Help?

This is hard...because honestly she IS doing a lot for you. I assume she watches your kid at your house- I think a coffee maker is warranted, right? Is your mom also on her own? I have to say I might be offended too if I am expecting to just be the three people for xmas and you didn't include me in the stockings. As for her opinions about your life- ignore, ignore.

[Anonymous]

OP here- about the stockings- they are actually just decorative. So we won’t be “opening stockings,” I just think they look pretty and cozy. We didn’t do them growing up, and I honestly dont really see the point of filling them if we have presents to open. I’ll add, if this wasn’t obvious, I also didn’t get a stocking because I feel like this opens up the boundaries more for her to mix in my private adult life (if you couldn’t tell, I’m more and more feeling like a teenager living under a parent’s roof in my own house). I forgot to add, last week, she showed up at my house unannounced (she has a key).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure there’s a million threads about similar issues, but here I go. I’m divorced, have a 3 year old son, and my mom has been very involved in helping care for my son (daycare drop offs/pick ups, if he needs to be watched for whatever reason), but I’m starting to feel like she is becoming more and more controlling, and feels entitled to do so because she helps so much.

An example:

-She brought an ancient, huge, keurig machine and kept it on my counter bc I don’t have a coffee machine (I just use a small esprssso machine). I told her I don’t want this bc I have a small kitchen and very limited counter space, but sometimes she “feels like a coffee” when she’s at my house. Annoying, but I let it go.
-constantly telling me what my house should look like, get rid of this, when am I gonna do that, etc.
-I told her I was planning on getting a babysitter for occasional girls nights out (and I do eventually want to start dating). She got extremely upset and feels it is unsafe to get a sitter, even though I would ONLY go out after my son is asleep at 7. The more I let her watch my son, the more emeshed in my personal life and as a 36 year old woman, is none of her business no matter how much one loves their parents.
-the latest one really angered me: I got personalized stockings for my son and I for our mantle. She got very upset that I did not get her one, and I think she even cried. I told her kindly that this was my house. She can get stockings and do whatever she wants with my son at her house (tho she does not have a chimney). I can understand why she was hurt, but I am starting to REALLY feel like she wants to be parent #2, and that my son and I don’t have a family life of our OWN. She feels very entitled to his whereabouts, what we do, because she helps so much. But when I try to get help from outside, it is a full on rage.

I don’t know how else to talk to her- she also gets very angry, very easily, as generous as she can be. Another example, she asked how much my bonus was this year and I told her I was not going to tell her. She got mad, and justified it with “I’m your mom, why can’t I ask you?!”

Help?

This is hard...because honestly she IS doing a lot for you. I assume she watches your kid at your house- I think a coffee maker is warranted, right? Is your mom also on her own? I have to say I might be offended too if I am expecting to just be the three people for xmas and you didn't include me in the stockings. As for her opinions about your life- ignore, ignore.

Thank you. Like I said, I just let the coffee thing go. I just do not agree with her mentality that just because she does this and this for me, she does it to get something out of it, or have the right to be in my personal life (where I go out, with whom, my salary and bonus, etc. last year she made a backhanded “joke” about how she should get my bonus because she helps, which makes me extremely uncomfortable- she is also financially very well off).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- about the stockings- they are actually just decorative. So we won’t be “opening stockings,” I just think they look pretty and cozy. We didn’t do them growing up, and I honestly dont really see the point of filling them if we have presents to open. I’ll add, if this wasn’t obvious, I also didn’t get a stocking because I feel like this opens up the boundaries more for her to mix in my private adult life (if you couldn’t tell, I’m more and more feeling like a teenager living under a parent’s roof in my own house). I forgot to add, last week, she showed up at my house unannounced (she has a key).

You can’t have it both ways. You’re fine with taking advantage of your mom to regular provide childcare but then bristle over her wanting to be included in your life. If you want to not feel like a teenager living under your parent’s roof then pay for professional childcare.

[Anonymous]

I can 100% see your perspective. Here's one easy, clear step: hire a babysitter. You don't need to tell her you're going to, or that you even did. A few months from now, you can be like, "Meet Sally--she's been sitting for us for a few months, and Brayden loves her."

The coffee thing, I see your side. But TBH if your mom is around a lot doing you the favor of watching your kids and sometimes it's in the morning, that's a fair price to pay for free help.

The stocking--I see your side AND hers. For her, it might feel like wow--you need me when you need me and you use my help, so we're "family" in that way, but you leave me out of a "family display." I don't think there's a clear right or wrong move here. This might be a time to talk to her about how you want to be treated as a nuclear family, and she's a "bonus," but not a parent.

[Anonymous]

I can't stress this enough. You're using her like a nanny. If you want her to interact with you as a grandma, then pay a nanny who is not her to do childcare.

Even having a grandparent watching a preschooler once a week so the parent can have a night out is a lot, and your mom is doing WAY more than that. (There's nothing wrong with a parent going out once a week; I'm just saying it's quite an imposition to have a grandparent on weekly babysitting duty).

[Anonymous]

My mom and I had similar dynamics, down to the frequent babysitting, helping out whenever she could. She had been controlling all her life, so that part was not new. I say all this b/c I've been in your shoes, but I didn't get worked up about the things you're upset about.

As she lived alone and was expected to spend Christmases with us, yes I got her a matching stocking. It felt wrong not to get one. Your mom probably felt the same. She's with your child frequently and your lives are really enmeshed, so the exclusion felt raw. As pp said, you're treating her like a co parent, but without all the due respect of a co parent. Your feeling angered by her negative reaction seems misplaced resentment for something else.

Bottom line is, if you want her help, accept that she'll feel that she has a say in your life. Will it be annoying? Yes! But to get angry is over the top. You want her to cut the apron string. you need to cut the cord too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't have it both ways. She has power because she is needed.

Don't use her for childcare and then you can be in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- about the stockings- they are actually just decorative. So we won’t be “opening stockings,” I just think they look pretty and cozy. We didn’t do them growing up, and I honestly dont really see the point of filling them if we have presents to open. I’ll add, if this wasn’t obvious, I also didn’t get a stocking because I feel like this opens up the boundaries more for her to mix in my private adult life (if you couldn’t tell, I’m more and more feeling like a teenager living under a parent’s roof in my own house). I forgot to add, last week, she showed up at my house unannounced (she has a key).

You can’t have it both ways. You’re fine with taking advantage of your mom to regular provide childcare but then bristle over her wanting to be included in your life. If you want to not feel like a teenager living under your parent’s roof then pay for professional childcare.

I am trying. I have never ever forced her to watch my child, ever- this is largely cultural (I’m Asian). As mentioned, I tried telling her I would get the occasional babysitter and she completely berated me- if I got a babysitter full time, I know for a fact she would stop talking to me for a period of time. So, this is tough to navigate and be in the middle.

I have gotten the occasional sitter in the past, but my mom was also in my home, just on a different floor, working, as she insisted on doing so. She is very afraid of a sitter abusing my son. I know I need to put my foot down but I don’t know how to talk to her without blowing up.