Mom and boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I had similar dynamics, down to the frequent babysitting, helping out whenever she could. She had been controlling all her life, so that part was not new. I say all this b/c I've been in your shoes, but I didn't get worked up about the things you're upset about.

As she lived alone and was expected to spend Christmases with us, yes I got her a matching stocking. It felt wrong not to get one. Your mom probably felt the same. She's with your child frequently and your lives are really enmeshed, so the exclusion felt raw. As pp said, you're treating her like a co parent, but without all the due respect of a co parent. Your feeling angered by her negative reaction seems misplaced resentment for something else.

Bottom line is, if you want her help, accept that she'll feel that she has a say in your life. Will it be annoying? Yes! But to get angry is over the top. You want her to cut the apron string. you need to cut the cord too.

Thank you for sharing. I think the resentment is that I am trying to stand up for myself (like explaining to her I will need her less or not at all by hiring a babysitter, and she just very much took it the very wrong way. It’s her wanting to control me no matter what). I literally don’t know what to do. Hire the sitter and take her key away? I don’t know how to handle this without her blowing up, and taking offense of me getting a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- about the stockings- they are actually just decorative. So we won’t be “opening stockings,” I just think they look pretty and cozy. We didn’t do them growing up, and I honestly dont really see the point of filling them if we have presents to open. I’ll add, if this wasn’t obvious, I also didn’t get a stocking because I feel like this opens up the boundaries more for her to mix in my private adult life (if you couldn’t tell, I’m more and more feeling like a teenager living under a parent’s roof in my own house). I forgot to add, last week, she showed up at my house unannounced (she has a key).

You can’t have it both ways. You’re fine with taking advantage of your mom to regular provide childcare but then bristle over her wanting to be included in your life. If you want to not feel like a teenager living under your parent’s roof then pay for professional childcare.

I am trying. I have never ever forced her to watch my child, ever- this is largely cultural (I’m Asian). As mentioned, I tried telling her I would get the occasional babysitter and she completely berated me- if I got a babysitter full time, I know for a fact she would stop talking to me for a period of time. So, this is tough to navigate and be in the middle.

I have gotten the occasional sitter in the past, but my mom was also in my home, just on a different floor, working, as she insisted on doing so. She is very afraid of a sitter abusing my son. I know I need to put my foot down but I don’t know how to talk to her without blowing up.

Okay, so put on your big girl pants, accept that she may stop speaking to you for a period of time, and hire a full time sitter. Tell your mom that you realize that you have been over relying on her for childcare and that you want for her to have more time to relax and just enjoy being a grandma. Put in place a regular time for her to visit that works for both of your schedules, but make it clear that you have the childcare covered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I had similar dynamics, down to the frequent babysitting, helping out whenever she could. She had been controlling all her life, so that part was not new. I say all this b/c I've been in your shoes, but I didn't get worked up about the things you're upset about.

As she lived alone and was expected to spend Christmases with us, yes I got her a matching stocking. It felt wrong not to get one. Your mom probably felt the same. She's with your child frequently and your lives are really enmeshed, so the exclusion felt raw. As pp said, you're treating her like a co parent, but without all the due respect of a co parent. Your feeling angered by her negative reaction seems misplaced resentment for something else.

Bottom line is, if you want her help, accept that she'll feel that she has a say in your life. Will it be annoying? Yes! But to get angry is over the top. You want her to cut the apron string. you need to cut the cord too.

Thank you for sharing. I think the resentment is that I am trying to stand up for myself (like explaining to her I will need her less or not at all by hiring a babysitter, and she just very much took it the very wrong way. It’s her wanting to control me no matter what). I literally don’t know what to do. Hire the sitter and take her key away? I don’t know how to handle this without her blowing up, and taking offense of me getting a sitter.

You need to let go of her 'blowing up' or 'getting upset' or 'taking offense'. So what if she does. That's how she controls you, so stop being controlled by it. My mother was the same way (not Asian, but a narcissist) and the first time I just hung up on her mid-rant was so freeing. She either behaves like an adult and treats me like an adult, or she's out until she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- about the stockings- they are actually just decorative. So we won’t be “opening stockings,” I just think they look pretty and cozy. We didn’t do them growing up, and I honestly dont really see the point of filling them if we have presents to open. I’ll add, if this wasn’t obvious, I also didn’t get a stocking because I feel like this opens up the boundaries more for her to mix in my private adult life (if you couldn’t tell, I’m more and more feeling like a teenager living under a parent’s roof in my own house). I forgot to add, last week, she showed up at my house unannounced (she has a key).

You can’t have it both ways. You’re fine with taking advantage of your mom to regular provide childcare but then bristle over her wanting to be included in your life. If you want to not feel like a teenager living under your parent’s roof then pay for professional childcare.

I am trying. I have never ever forced her to watch my child, ever- this is largely cultural (I’m Asian). As mentioned, I tried telling her I would get the occasional babysitter and she completely berated me- if I got a babysitter full time, I know for a fact she would stop talking to me for a period of time. So, this is tough to navigate and be in the middle.

I have gotten the occasional sitter in the past, but my mom was also in my home, just on a different floor, working, as she insisted on doing so. She is very afraid of a sitter abusing my son. I know I need to put my foot down but I don’t know how to talk to her without blowing up.

Okay, so put on your big girl pants, accept that she may stop speaking to you for a period of time, and hire a full time sitter. Tell your mom that you realize that you have been over relying on her for childcare and that you want for her to have more time to relax and just enjoy being a grandma. Put in place a regular time for her to visit that works for both of your schedules, but make it clear that you have the childcare covered.

And yes, if she still doesn’t respect your space then change the locks/take away her keys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- about the stockings- they are actually just decorative. So we won’t be “opening stockings,” I just think they look pretty and cozy. We didn’t do them growing up, and I honestly dont really see the point of filling them if we have presents to open. I’ll add, if this wasn’t obvious, I also didn’t get a stocking because I feel like this opens up the boundaries more for her to mix in my private adult life (if you couldn’t tell, I’m more and more feeling like a teenager living under a parent’s roof in my own house). I forgot to add, last week, she showed up at my house unannounced (she has a key).

You can’t have it both ways. You’re fine with taking advantage of your mom to regular provide childcare but then bristle over her wanting to be included in your life. If you want to not feel like a teenager living under your parent’s roof then pay for professional childcare.

I am trying. I have never ever forced her to watch my child, ever- this is largely cultural (I’m Asian). As mentioned, I tried telling her I would get the occasional babysitter and she completely berated me- if I got a babysitter full time, I know for a fact she would stop talking to me for a period of time. So, this is tough to navigate and be in the middle.

I have gotten the occasional sitter in the past, but my mom was also in my home, just on a different floor, working, as she insisted on doing so. She is very afraid of a sitter abusing my son. I know I need to put my foot down but I don’t know how to talk to her without blowing up.

She is abusing YOU. She is manipulating you and treating you like a child. Wake up.

You need to hire a babysitter/nanny and LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY.