Do women pick spouses similar to their fathers and men similar to their mothers?

[Anonymous]

Is this true in your relationship?

[Anonymous]

When we fall in love, a big part of it is because our feelings around the other person feel familiar and comfortable. So yes.

I didn't think I married somebody like my dad, and in most ways he is not like my dad. But 14 years in, I realize that like my dad, my spouse works too much and isn't as emotionally intelligent as I thought he was. Oh well. At least he knows how to have good conversations, unlike my dad.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. My partner is a lot like my parent but also different in key ways. Depends to some extent on how early you got married and whether you were clear on what you admired and didn’t admire in your parent.

[Anonymous]

We treat our spouses the way we saw our parents interact.

This means we often end up with spouses who are similar to our parents because we are comfortable and familiar with the behavior patterns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We treat our spouses the way we saw our parents interact.

This means we often end up with spouses who are similar to our parents because we are comfortable and familiar with the behavior patterns.

Didn’t happen with us. Husband is nothing like my Dad and has become mean and verbally abusive, and my parents never fought in front of us so this was all new to me.

My childhood wasn’t perfect but the love and affection my parents had for each other was apparent. That is not the case at all in my marriage. He is mean, we fight, sometimes in front of the kids, because that is how his parents where. I so try to not fight in front of the kids but I also have to show them what is unacceptable behavior from a husband so I do stand up to him in front of them.

My main goal in life now is to find the magical method of determining that your significant other won’t turn into a mean, abusive axxhat. I want to know this so bad for my daughters to not ever be in the situation I am in now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We treat our spouses the way we saw our parents interact.

This means we often end up with spouses who are similar to our parents because we are comfortable and familiar with the behavior patterns.

Didn’t happen with us. Husband is nothing like my Dad and has become mean and verbally abusive, and my parents never fought in front of us so this was all new to me.

My childhood wasn’t perfect but the love and affection my parents had for each other was apparent. That is not the case at all in my marriage. He is mean, we fight, sometimes in front of the kids, because that is how his parents where. I so try to not fight in front of the kids but I also have to show them what is unacceptable behavior from a husband so I do stand up to him in front of them.

My main goal in life now is to find the magical method of determining that your significant other won’t turn into a mean, abusive axxhat. I want to know this so bad for my daughters to not ever be in the situation I am in now.

"Has become." What was he like when you married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We treat our spouses the way we saw our parents interact.

This means we often end up with spouses who are similar to our parents because we are comfortable and familiar with the behavior patterns.

Didn’t happen with us. Husband is nothing like my Dad and has become mean and verbally abusive, and my parents never fought in front of us so this was all new to me.

My childhood wasn’t perfect but the love and affection my parents had for each other was apparent. That is not the case at all in my marriage. He is mean, we fight, sometimes in front of the kids, because that is how his parents where. I so try to not fight in front of the kids but I also have to show them what is unacceptable behavior from a husband so I do stand up to him in front of them.

My main goal in life now is to find the magical method of determining that your significant other won’t turn into a mean, abusive axxhat. I want to know this so bad for my daughters to not ever be in the situation I am in now.

Same here.

Similar on paper to my father but cannot verbally communicate. His whole family is silent, barely talks (unless rallying for their performance at a BBQ or something we take them to outside the house) and passive and never work anything out. He’d rather yell and get angry at a question than work through it. I greatly fear what this is modeling for our children.

[Anonymous]

No. My wife is not similar to my mother.

[Anonymous]

I did not, and I regret it. I frequently wish DH was more like my father.

[Anonymous]

My now XH had a lot of my dads worst qualities. It took me many years to recognize it. I adored my dad but he was super selfish and never helped around the house. He liked to be waited on and he was never home. My XH was always home when he wasn’t working but exactly like my dad in all of the other ways. I think that’s the reason for our divorce- I realized I didn’t want to be living my mom’s life.

[Anonymous]

Weirdly, my wife when I met her looked much like my mother when I was a toddler. And I have exactly the same clothing/hat size as my wife’s father, even the same inseam. I think there’s some subconscious recognition of matchiness that might have occurred.

[Anonymous]

No, my spouse is not at all similar to my father. I am similar to my father, though. And I'm absolutely similar to DH's mother -- even her younger photos look like me. Lol

[Anonymous]

Mine was not at all similar to my lazy father except in being highly intelligent and hyper verbal, a polyglot and a good skier. But emotionally not at all similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My now XH had a lot of my dads worst qualities. It took me many years to recognize it. I adored my dad but he was super selfish and never helped around the house. He liked to be waited on and he was never home. My XH was always home when he wasn’t working but exactly like my dad in all of the other ways. I think that’s the reason for our divorce- I realized I didn’t want to be living my mom’s life.

Good for you for leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not, and I regret it. I frequently wish DH was more like my father.

This. I am totally a daddy's girl and my father is the best man I have ever none. Bar none. Interestingly I married someone who possess none of the class, kindness and dignity that my father has. I can't quite explain how I ended up here except I never met anyone who reminded me of my dad and picked someone who would have me.