Sometimes I feel like I'm screwed, and my kid is screwed, no matter what

[Anonymous]

My grandparents were messed up (alcoholics, PTSD from the war, violent towards their kids), my parents were messed up by all that, so I am of course messed up. My spouse has a similar history.

We seem like normal people and I guess we are, in the sense that many people have this kind of family history.

I feel doomed. I feel like my child is doomed. That my marriage is doomed. I feel like the best I can hope for is to not be TOO miserable and to not mess up my kid TOO much.

I try to focus on how much I love my kid and being a good parent. I think I even am a pretty good parent. But there is so much ambient dysfunction over which I have no control, or limited control.

Trying to stop this cycle again feels so hard.

I am very tired and just want to feel loved and accepted and for my child to feel loved and accepted. I can try to give that to them but who gives it to me?

I just feel broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents were messed up (alcoholics, PTSD from the war, violent towards their kids), my parents were messed up by all that, so I am of course messed up. My spouse has a similar history.

We seem like normal people and I guess we are, in the sense that many people have this kind of family history.

I feel doomed. I feel like my child is doomed. That my marriage is doomed. I feel like the best I can hope for is to not be TOO miserable and to not mess up my kid TOO much.

I try to focus on how much I love my kid and being a good parent. I think I even am a pretty good parent. But there is so much ambient dysfunction over which I have no control, or limited control.

Trying to stop this cycle again feels so hard.

I am very tired and just want to feel loved and accepted and for my child to feel loved and accepted. I can try to give that to them but who gives it to me?

I just feel broken.

Hi, are you me?

Just take it day by day and you know what has really helpled me? The occasional microdose which (allegedly) helps rewire the brain and for me, has helped me enjoy life more. But yeah. When I look for the source of the dysfunction a lot of it comes from the events of the past 100 years - the wars, migrations, etc. All we can do is our best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents were messed up (alcoholics, PTSD from the war, violent towards their kids), my parents were messed up by all that, so I am of course messed up. My spouse has a similar history.

We seem like normal people and I guess we are, in the sense that many people have this kind of family history.

I feel doomed. I feel like my child is doomed. That my marriage is doomed. I feel like the best I can hope for is to not be TOO miserable and to not mess up my kid TOO much.

I try to focus on how much I love my kid and being a good parent. I think I even am a pretty good parent. But there is so much ambient dysfunction over which I have no control, or limited control.

Trying to stop this cycle again feels so hard.

I am very tired and just want to feel loved and accepted and for my child to feel loved and accepted. I can try to give that to them but who gives it to me?

I just feel broken.

Hi, are you me?

Just take it day by day and you know what has really helpled me? The occasional microdose which (allegedly) helps rewire the brain and for me, has helped me enjoy life more. But yeah. When I look for the source of the dysfunction a lot of it comes from the events of the past 100 years - the wars, migrations, etc. All we can do is our best.

Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

When I moved out of my parents' house, I thought a lot about how I wanted my home to be. I realized there were some things I wanted to keep from my childhood, and some things I didn't. I swore to myself nobody will ever be afraid of anyone in my home. Nobody will ever yell louder than I do - if they do I will kick them out and not invite them back. I promised to make people feel special and seen in my home. That it would be clean and mostly neat, but comfortable.

You can literally write these out on paper - what you want to keep, what you want to ditch, what you want to create from other friends' homes or tv. You can also go to therapy to get help doing this. You don't have to be doomed.

[Anonymous]

I kindly suggest you work with a counselor on this. I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I look at myself and wonder how I can have such a 'normal' life and family. I suffered horrific abuse growing up, lots of substance abuse in the immediate family, mental health issues in the immediate family and multiple suicides within my nuclear family or origin. How could I not be f@cked up and given the heritability of the roots of these issue, my kids are at much higher risk of of them. In fact, two of my kids have ADHD/anxiety which is a resounding indication that they've lost the genetic lottery.

Oh, and I still have PTSD/flashbacks from my abusive childhood and I'm in my 50s. Just had a conversation with my 18 yo DS this morning about it. Last night, I woke in a fight/flight mode, convinced we had to MOVE because death/destruction was coming for us. DS was still awake when I started yelling and came in to see what was going on. All my kids know not to knock on my door when I'm asleep but to softly call my name from the hallway. Even though I've been in a good place for over 20 years, the damage can still make it's way to the front.

I will say, though, my kids aren't f@cked up, even the two with ADHD/anxiety. They take medication for both, I've done a lot of work to ensure my interactions/responses to them are appropriate and we have great structure at home. They are very well aware of the family history and know the benefits of working with professionals. Knowledge is power and being open about my own sh!t (in an appropriate way), I think, has made all the differnce.

In short, you are NOT screwed and neither are your kids. You can end the pattern just like I did. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

People survived concentration camps and go on to raise string families. You are not doomed and either are your kids. The feeling of being doomed is most likely itself a symptom of anxiety or depression.

That said, one of the wisest things a therapist ever said to me was, “they are my kids, and I will screw them up my way.” Meaning, you do your best, but we inevitably screw something up, and it’s part of the creative process of parenting. Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette.

[Anonymous]

I think your awareness counts for a lot to break the cycle.

Plus that fact that what you’re dealing with is less of a medical/genetic thing to inherit and more of an ingrained habit or exposure thing.

Try to get good habits, communication styles and positive coping mechanisms not bad ones.

[Anonymous]

Well, don't associate with these messed-up people you mention!

[Anonymous]

This is over-globalized negative thinking and will not serve you or your son well.

Try not to think with such broad brushes but with what you can manage each day to make life as good as possible for you and your family.

Well done making it out of your harsh origins. Hopefully you have already made life more loving and supportive for your son than what you experienced. That takes a lot of courage to break powerful family cycles.

[Anonymous]

OP I grew up with abuse. The two key things are DRAWING BOUNDARIES with abusive people. I don’t speak to my father and it has ensured safety for me and mine. I refuse to interact with abusive people. Secondly TREATMENT. 5 years of CBT and later, psychiatric medicine changed my life dramatically. I have zero side effects and my life as it is experienced is so much better. I had PTSD Anxiety and Depresssion and post-treatment am about normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents were messed up (alcoholics, PTSD from the war, violent towards their kids), my parents were messed up by all that, so I am of course messed up. My spouse has a similar history.

We seem like normal people and I guess we are, in the sense that many people have this kind of family history.

I feel doomed. I feel like my child is doomed. That my marriage is doomed. I feel like the best I can hope for is to not be TOO miserable and to not mess up my kid TOO much.

I try to focus on how much I love my kid and being a good parent. I think I even am a pretty good parent. But there is so much ambient dysfunction over which I have no control, or limited control.

Trying to stop this cycle again feels so hard.

I am very tired and just want to feel loved and accepted and for my child to feel loved and accepted. I can try to give that to them but who gives it to me?

I just feel broken.

Get help and stop being a victim. As long as you perpetuate your victim mentality, you are screwed and you are teaching your child to be a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents were messed up (alcoholics, PTSD from the war, violent towards their kids), my parents were messed up by all that, so I am of course messed up. My spouse has a similar history.

We seem like normal people and I guess we are, in the sense that many people have this kind of family history.

I feel doomed. I feel like my child is doomed. That my marriage is doomed. I feel like the best I can hope for is to not be TOO miserable and to not mess up my kid TOO much.

I try to focus on how much I love my kid and being a good parent. I think I even am a pretty good parent. But there is so much ambient dysfunction over which I have no control, or limited control.

Trying to stop this cycle again feels so hard.

I am very tired and just want to feel loved and accepted and for my child to feel loved and accepted. I can try to give that to them but who gives it to me?

I just feel broken.

Hi, are you me?

Just take it day by day and you know what has really helpled me? The occasional microdose which (allegedly) helps rewire the brain and for me, has helped me enjoy life more. But yeah. When I look for the source of the dysfunction a lot of it comes from the events of the past 100 years - the wars, migrations, etc. All we can do is our best.

Thank you for this.

Just microdosing to "rewire your brain" -- "allegedly" -- will not help you develop coping strategies, learn to deal with the negative self-talk inside your own head or learn to parent better than you were parented.

Of course taking any substance like mushrooms or smoking weed or whatever will help you "enjoy life more" because you're using a drug. You'll feel fine but you won't learn anything about how not to repeat past mistakes. Please see a therapist before you start using any substances on your own.

Before the DCUM "microdosing is great" campaigners come along to bash me, well, did I say don't do it, ever? No. I said, learn some strategies and get therapy first. Because unless you're going to microdose all the time, at some point you need to cope with other people's behaviors and your own, and just enjoying life more doesn't help you do that. Go on, bash. But OP, you really do need a professional to help you get out of this mindset, deal with your past, and create a strategy. Your child needs you to do this.

[Anonymous]

Therapy

[Anonymous]

My parents were first and second generation Italian immigrants. My mother's parents were much more modern because her father was a WWII veteran. Her parents traveled and lived out of state among other people from different backgrounds.

My mother acted like Donna Reed from 1950s TV and she read Dr. Spock books about babies and children.

So, yes, you can watch TV shows and model your behavior from that.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone, OP. I worry about repeating behaviors all the time. In my case, it’s a hyper negative emotionally immature mother who gutted every instinct and opinion I had and made everything about her. I worry every single day that my issues and massive anxieties are going to wreck everything. I have one friend who I let into this scary part of my kind and only one. And my husband is aware too. It’s good to be able to talk about it. I am strongly considering therapy in the new year.

I think being aware of the behavior you don’t want to replicate is an enormous part of healing and not perpetuating cycles. Give yourself credit for your self-awareness. Have you spoken with a trusted doctor or therapist? Blessings to you.