Would you be friends with someone who did these things?

[Anonymous]

- Teased you about your appearance, even when it clearly bothered you?

- Dated two close male friends of yours at the same time?

- Lied to you about easily disprovable things for no apparent reason (I.e. told you she’d been out of town over the weekend when another friend had just told you he hung out with her locally)?

- Asked you for favors whenever you saw her, large and small, and continued asking even after you started saying no to them (because you had started to feel used)?

- Told several lies about you to a mutual friend, but weird ones— not flattering or disparaging, just random things that are not true and that you know she knows are untrue?

If it was just one or two of these I’d almost definitely ignore it because she has good qualities (generous, fun, likes to plan) and fading out if a friendship would be hard because of all the overlap in our lives. But it’s all starting to feel like a lot and I find myself annoyed or even angry with her more often than not. And before you mention it— yes, I have told her that this stuff bothers me. Except for the lying, which I haven’t mentioned because it would be really awkward and the lies are pretty inconsequential (but adding up in a way that makes me wonder if it’s a compulsion or something).

[Anonymous]

Obviously not.

[Anonymous]

Just end the friendship. I recently ended a nearly 30 year friendship and while it was a difficult and sad decision, it was the right one. She is showing you left and right she does not have your back. She lies about you even if they're not major things. Why be friends then? For what purpose?

For me, I let the friendship live longer than I should have because of the length of time we have known eachother. She was also hilarious and fun to be around. She couldn't possibly be doing these things on purpose, right? Yes, yes she can. It's sad and it sucks. Eventually she did something that crossed a line and I realized I could not trust her. And I do not surround myself with people I do not trust.

Just because a decision is sad does not mean it is wrong. Its been a few months now and I hardly think about her anymore. It's very freeing.

[Anonymous]

^ PP from above and also wanted to mention overlap - it doesn't matter. Me and my ex-friend's families have known each other for many years and my mom will still say hello to her parents when they see each other (same neighborhood) but my mom knows I'm no longer friends with their daughter and respects that. We have mutual friends and it really has made no difference.

[Anonymous]

No. I'm in my mid-30s with a career, a husband and kids, a household to manage, and my own aging parents. My time and energy is precious and I have more than enough friends to spend it on.

I've let friendships fade out for much less egregious conduct than this, not because I'm especially mad or hold a grudge but because I just have to prioritize. If I only have time only get brunch or chat on the phone with so many people, why would I choose the one who treated me badly over the ones who haven't?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't have time or energy for that.

[Anonymous]

She isn't a friend.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been friends?

[Anonymous]

No. You are not her friend why would you be hers? Not only would I not be her friend but I would cut that person out entirely.

[Anonymous]

- Teased you about your appearance, even when it clearly bothered you?

--If this happened regularly and I'd asked her to stop and she hadn't, this alone would be a dealbreaker. If it was a one time thing, I'd let it go.

- Dated two close male friends of yours at the same time?

--Who cares?

- Lied to you about easily disprovable things for no apparent reason (I.e. told you she’d been out of town over the weekend when another friend had just told you he hung out with her locally)?

--If this happened more than once, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

- Asked you for favors whenever you saw her, large and small, and continued asking even after you started saying no to them (because you had started to feel used)?

--This wouldn't bother me, just keep saying no.

- Told several lies about you to a mutual friend, but weird ones— not flattering or disparaging, just random things that are not true and that you know she knows are untrue?

--Dealbreaker, as above. I don't spend time with liars if I can avoid it.

If it was just one or two of these I’d almost definitely ignore it because she has good qualities (generous, fun, likes to plan) and fading out if a friendship would be hard because of all the overlap in our lives. But it’s all starting to feel like a lot and I find myself annoyed or even angry with her more often than not. And before you mention it— yes, I have told her that this stuff bothers me. Except for the lying, which I haven’t mentioned because it would be really awkward and the lies are pretty inconsequential (but adding up in a way that makes me wonder if it’s a compulsion or something).

--Sounds like you've got a couple dealbreakers. I would drift, stop considering her a friend, and be cordial at social functions you're both at.

[Anonymous]

I would not be friends with someone who lies or is unkind.

Period.

[Anonymous]

She needs to be less insecure.

[Anonymous]

No. Easy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback -- you guys are mostly confirming how I already felt but I wanted a gut check because individually these things don't seem that bad and I wondered if I was overreacting.

Oh, I did want to mention though since someone asked: I normally would not care about her dating two of my close friends (one of them I set her up with so obviously I am fine with it), but her decision to date them simultaneously and the way she's gone about it has created some drama in my life (i.e. my friends asking me who she is more interested in, just some weird jealousy stuff) that I don't love.

I am nervous about the fade out and will probably wait until after the holidays but yeah, I think it's time to clean house a bit and I just don't have the bandwidth for someone this drama-prone or mean spirited in my life.

[Anonymous]

No. Hard no.

I choose my friends carefully. What you describe is not a friend--even if there are positives, they don't outweigh the kind of negatives you describe.

I've cut people like this out of my life and even when there was overlap the removal still felt like a weight removed.

This person is toxic. Don't give them any more of your energy. Free yourself.