Would you be friends with someone who did these things?

[Anonymous]

No. If someone acts like this as an adolescent there’s a chance she’ll develop some character, but I wouldn’t be friends with an adult like this.

[Anonymous]

It is strange that OP would need validation, especially from strangers, not to be friends with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Hard no.

I choose my friends carefully. What you describe is not a friend--even if there are positives, they don't outweigh the kind of negatives you describe.

I've cut people like this out of my life and even when there was overlap the removal still felt like a weight removed.

This person is toxic. Don't give them any more of your energy. Free yourself.

+1. OP, this should not even be a question. People might get one pass for bad behavior if they are having a legit bad day. Second time is a pattern. If you keep them as a friend, then in their disordered mind you’ve condoned their behavior and it will only get worse. Learn to cut off people like this if they repeat after the first transgression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is strange that OP would need validation, especially from strangers, not to be friends with this person.

OP here and it's not strange, actually. We have a lot of mutual friends and none of them seem bothered by her behavior at all. I can't tell if it's just that she acts differently toward them or maybe they don't notice it. But she's extremely well liked in my friend circle. I don't want to talk about her in this way with other friends because it feels back-stabby to me, and I'm not trying to freeze her out of the group or anything. I don't have a sister or something I can talk to about this stuff -- normally I'd talk to my close friends but they all know her. So this felt like as good a place as any to get a gut check. Better than gossiping about her with people who know her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback -- you guys are mostly confirming how I already felt but I wanted a gut check because individually these things don't seem that bad and I wondered if I was overreacting.

Oh, I did want to mention though since someone asked: I normally would not care about her dating two of my close friends (one of them I set her up with so obviously I am fine with it), but her decision to date them simultaneously and the way she's gone about it has created some drama in my life (i.e. my friends asking me who she is more interested in, just some weird jealousy stuff) that I don't love.

I am nervous about the fade out and will probably wait until after the holidays but yeah, I think it's time to clean house a bit and I just don't have the bandwidth for someone this drama-prone or mean spirited in my life.

I sympathize as I had a mom friend who was extremely passive aggressive and catty but was well liked within our social circle. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels the same but nobody wants to say it. But anyway, I froze her out of my personal life but I’m still friendly when we run into each other and I NEVER talk bad about her to anybody. The world didn’t end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously not.

+1

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound like she is your friend to start with.

[Anonymous]

I would not trust her but I'd act in my own best interest with the friend group.

[Anonymous]

I think I saw your friend in a psycho drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust her but I'd act in my own best interest with the friend group.

Unfortunately this. Keep your guard up, don’t trust her, don’t tell her anything personal and don’t take anything personal. Fake nice.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Wouldn’t care about dating my friends—but lying is a no.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like mental illness / pathological lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like mental illness / pathological lying.

Yeah the lying is weird. Sounds like she likes to cross boundaries and maybe testing how you will react -- the teasing, requesting favors, the lying all sound provocative to me, especially because as you say they are small transgressions. She likely knows if she really went for it, others would recognize it as a problem and she'd be called out. But by going for these little provocations, she may be testing to see how far she can push it.

Even the dating your friends thing sounds like a boundary thing in this context. She sounds like she is very enmeshed with your life and becoming more so. How did you become friends? Did you meet through these mutuals or were you friends first and then you introduced her to these other people. If the latter, I'd tread very carefully because that really does sound like a personality disorder.

But yeah, I would not be friends with this person. I wouldn't call her out at this point either -- likely nothing to gain. I'd just fade out but remain friendly, maybe mirror her level of enthusiasm when you see her but no more. Don't give her any ammunition to use against you since the teasing shows that she is willing to try and exploit vulnerabilities.

I know this sounds like an overreaction but there's a lot of kind of secret sociopaths out there, and many of them are charming, smart, and well liked by acquaintances. It's really not that unusual -- I know very few people who haven't encountered at least one person like this in their life. And probably most of us have met more than that but if you are not targeted by them you might not even know because their charm and social skills conceals a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I saw your friend in a psycho drama.

Yep. She's probably blown through many friend groups in her life.