IL’s comments about trust funds

[Anonymous]

Will try to make the as high level as possible. When I married DH I knew that he’d one day be the beneficiary to a good sized trust fund. His parents are self made people who worked very hard to make a life for themselves and their son. I never knew exactly how large the amount was but think it was probably something around several million.

DH and I didn’t sign a prenup because neither of us owned property or significant assets of our own before marriage, so there was no need. The trust fund would be his family’s to control as they saw fit. DH’s parents always made it very clear, though politely, that this was their family’s money. In my mind this was obvious and all good. Unfortunately, in the past few years some unexpected medical issues and bad business have decreased the amount of the fund significantly. My DH shared this with me and said that his parents are very anxious and disappointed that they thought they’d be leaving a lot more to DH.

Fast forward a decade and my last remaining parent, my step day, passed away last summer. We were never super close but always had a pretty decent relationship growing up. It turns out he has stashed away a huge amount of money over the years, and had set up his own trust for his brother with a physical disability, me, and my brother. I never knew he made so much money, probably because we lived pretty frugally over the years when I was a teen, and I was shocked when the executor let my brother and me know we now have access to a pool of several million dollars for things like housing, education, investments, etc.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, IL’s are at our house and DH tells them about everything we’ve been dealing with to get my step dad’s estate in order the past few months and for better or worse, he brings up the trust fund. My FIL took on this very different demeanor upon hearing this and said something to the effect of “I bet your family structured it to make sure our son won’t be able to touch a singe dime.” I was really taken aback and got really shaken when he said it a second time later during their stay

I’m really having a hard time shaking these comments. For one, I understandingly accepted their own financial intentions very graciously all those years ago and never accused them of trying to “freeze me out.” The trust from my steps dad isn’t even all mine. It belongs equally to my brother and uncle and I hardly think my stepdad was the kind of man to try and screw my family over. He was just a very careful person and obviously wants his money to be spent carefully in turn by those he loves.

So now I’m left wondering if I should say something to ILs if this comes up again. Or if DH should say something to them in private. It really stung. I’m thinking it’s very hard for them given their own financial troubles recently but this is no way to handle the disappointment. Thoughts on what to do?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I would not respond but I hope your DH tells him to knock it off.

[Anonymous]

they sound like somewhat bitter financial people. they value money too much kind of thing.

I'm confused the way you describe your trust fund. you make it sound like it's a pool of money that you, your brother, and this other relative can "access" (if you want to?). Is it yours or not? Do you control it? How do these things work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:they sound like somewhat bitter financial people. they value money too much kind of thing.

I'm confused the way you describe your trust fund. you make it sound like it's a pool of money that you, your brother, and this other relative can "access" (if you want to?). Is it yours or not? Do you control it? How do these things work?

Apologies. There are trustees who determine what we can take out funds for based on some stipulations. Like college for future kids, down payment on a house, medical bills, etc.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to address this directly with his parents, to include the fact that you were unaware of the trust, indicate that your feelings were really hurt, and tell them you won't be discussing it in the future.

His parents have a lot of obvious hang ups here - they shouldn't be taking it out on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:they sound like somewhat bitter financial people. they value money too much kind of thing.

I'm confused the way you describe your trust fund. you make it sound like it's a pool of money that you, your brother, and this other relative can "access" (if you want to?). Is it yours or not? Do you control it? How do these things work?

Apologies. There are trustees who determine what we can take out funds for based on some stipulations. Like college for future kids, down payment on a house, medical bills, etc.

got it. you don't need to apologize, I'm the one who's unfamiliar. do you ever get full control? like, hypothetically speaking, is there a point where you could blow it all in a weekend in Vegas if you were so inclined?

[Anonymous]

This is a conversation you need to have with your husband, and then he needs to have with his father. Also, moving forward your DH should not discuss your finances with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to address this directly with his parents, to include the fact that you were unaware of the trust, indicate that your feelings were really hurt, and tell them you won't be discussing it in the future.

His parents have a lot of obvious hang ups here - they shouldn't be taking it out on you.

this.

[Anonymous]

Wow, it’s totally obnoxious but for your DH to handle. He never should have brought it up in the first place. I would leave it to him to clear things up with his parents. What does he say about it?
I would never mention it again to ILs and ask DH to do the same.

[Anonymous]

I am kind of horrified that your DH brought your financial situation up to his parents. Not appropriate and not any of their business. I wouldn’t say a word until the ILs open their big fat mouths again and I would shut the discussion down. Your money = your voice.

I sound so mean here ^^ and I am generally not a confrontational person, but their comments were rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:they sound like somewhat bitter financial people. they value money too much kind of thing.

I'm confused the way you describe your trust fund. you make it sound like it's a pool of money that you, your brother, and this other relative can "access" (if you want to?). Is it yours or not? Do you control it? How do these things work?

Apologies. There are trustees who determine what we can take out funds for based on some stipulations. Like college for future kids, down payment on a house, medical bills, etc.

got it. you don't need to apologize, I'm the one who's unfamiliar. do you ever get full control? like, hypothetically speaking, is there a point where you could blow it all in a weekend in Vegas if you were so inclined?

Ha, nope. Never. He was too smart to let us blow all this money that way.

The more I think about it the more emotional I feel about it. My real dad hasn’t been in the picture since I was a child and my mom passed a few years ago. My stepdad was a man of few words but it’s clear that everything he worked for was for my brother and me. I wish I had brought him in closer when I was a newly wed. He must have been lonely. This is what’s making my ILs comments sting more, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of horrified that your DH brought your financial situation up to his parents. Not appropriate and not any of their business. I wouldn’t say a word until the ILs open their big fat mouths again and I would shut the discussion down. Your money = your voice.

I sound so mean here ^^ and I am generally not a confrontational person, but their comments were rude.

OP here. I hear you. I’m irritated but not angry. I think he thought it was ok because we’ve talked openly about his trust with all of us before. Think he’s learned his lesson now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a conversation you need to have with your husband, and then he needs to have with his father. Also, moving forward your DH should not discuss your finances with them.

This. I would be upset that my DH brought this up, especially with his parents and knowing their feelings about their own trust. And NEXT I'd be LIVID my DH did not stand up for me when his father was taking swipes like that. He should have responded firmly "you, of all people dad, should understand why trust funds are set up with tight rules" or something like "I have no issues with the way the trust is structed and its' not my money, but it may help little Larlo go to college and for that I'm grateful".

He should NOT allow his dad to make such rude ass comments to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, it was one comment.
Surely they are good people or they are not good people.
But base it on your entire experience with them.
This is all sounding too catty. You and them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'd never bring it up again.

But I'd also have some canned response ready if your in laws bring it up again. Something like "that's really something only DH and I need to worry about, and we're on the same page".