IL’s comments about trust funds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I suspect they are bitter by all the bad decisions and bad luck that depleted the trust, and probably (hopefully) a little embarrassed that they made it a point that you wouldn’t be included in the trust distributions well before it was even necessary to have such a conversation. Sounds like they may have enjoyed (even if unknowingly) an element of control over you and DH via their money. On top of this, they must now be mortified that your discreet and successful stepdad has left you a trust thats presumably more significant than whatever is left in DH’s trust. Heavy hangs the head that last night wore the crown.

I would ask DH not to discuss finances in front of them. Is he maybe a little too close to them on other topics, too? I also think DH should let them know those comments were out of line and hurtful.

this.

And wow. op. what an uncomfortable situation to be in.

But this situation is summed up in that people want you to do better but not better than them.

BTW, You have a very kind stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Ha! That's funny. The power structure shifted, and they cant stand it! Love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, fyi my family has a lot of trusts and I am a lawyer and FYI yours sounds pretty strict. I would not rely on it too much. A family trust with several beneficiaries with a corporate trustee....it’s going to be hard to get money out. Corporate trustees can be very strict.

In contrast, my family set it up so that each of the siblings has her own trust and is her own trustee.

If you want to have more insight into how much you may be able to rely on this money for things like tuition and medical expenses, I’d get a copy and have a good estate attorney review it. For example, it is possible the disabled brother is the primary beneficiary. And therefore it’s possible the trustee will be stingy about whether or not they give you tuition etc. They might have the discretion to preserve the funds for the disabled brother. Etc.

Just be careful planning on this money.

Seriously, OP, heed this.

The disabled sibling in a wheelchair/group home/whatever may well have needs that drain whatever's in the trust years before your theoretical children need it for Montessori or Harvard tuition, let alone a downpayment for a split-level in Colonial Acres. It's at best a very restrictive financial vehicle if you don't have direct control over the funds.

It's not a completely unnatural thing that your DH shared this family financial tidbit with his jealous and crazy dad, but it doesn't need to escalate further. FIL doesn't need to be scolded nor does he need future money updates. He's weird. He can't handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is anxious about not leaving what he hoped to his son. He is likely jealous of this situation and is speaking his mind without thinking first.

I would forgive him and move on. Don't talk about these things in front of them EVER again, it's not their business. As soon as it becomes a conversation, you're in trouble.

This is a generous way to look at it and is likely accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will try to make the as high level as possible. When I married DH I knew that he’d one day be the beneficiary to a good sized trust fund. His parents are self made people who worked very hard to make a life for themselves and their son. I never knew exactly how large the amount was but think it was probably something around several million.

DH and I didn’t sign a prenup because neither of us owned property or significant assets of our own before marriage, so there was no need. The trust fund would be his family’s to control as they saw fit. DH’s parents always made it very clear, though politely, that this was their family’s money. In my mind this was obvious and all good. Unfortunately, in the past few years some unexpected medical issues and bad business have decreased the amount of the fund significantly. My DH shared this with me and said that his parents are very anxious and disappointed that they thought they’d be leaving a lot more to DH.

Fast forward a decade and my last remaining parent, my step day, passed away last summer. We were never super close but always had a pretty decent relationship growing up. It turns out he has stashed away a huge amount of money over the years, and had set up his own trust for his brother with a physical disability, me, and my brother. I never knew he made so much money, probably because we lived pretty frugally over the years when I was a teen, and I was shocked when the executor let my brother and me know we now have access to a pool of several million dollars for things like housing, education, investments, etc.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, IL’s are at our house and DH tells them about everything we’ve been dealing with to get my step dad’s estate in order the past few months and for better or worse, he brings up the trust fund. My FIL took on this very different demeanor upon hearing this and said something to the effect of “I bet your family structured it to make sure our son won’t be able to touch a singe dime.” I was really taken aback and got really shaken when he said it a second time later during their stay

I’m really having a hard time shaking these comments. For one, I understandingly accepted their own financial intentions very graciously all those years ago and never accused them of trying to “freeze me out.” The trust from my steps dad isn’t even all mine. It belongs equally to my brother and uncle and I hardly think my stepdad was the kind of man to try and screw my family over. He was just a very careful person and obviously wants his money to be spent carefully in turn by those he loves.

So now I’m left wondering if I should say something to ILs if this comes up again. Or if DH should say something to them in private. It really stung. I’m thinking it’s very hard for them given their own financial troubles recently but this is no way to handle the disappointment. Thoughts on what to do?

Two things - (i) I'd be all over DH for bringing this up; this is your thing, did it have to be discussed in front of HIS parents??; and (ii) why didn't you respond right there in the moment "well yes Steve in fact my stepdad did structure the trust solely for me and my brother and uncle, very similar to how you all clarified in 1986 that DH's trust was only for DH's benefit." Like why wouldn't you say - yes my family did exactly what yours did, what's the shyness here?

[Anonymous]

“Do you mean, is it structured exactly the way you structured DH’s trust fund, which is to say that it is for him and not for me? Yes, I do believe so. I do believe it is exactly as you have planned for DH.” Level stare, do not look away.

[Anonymous]

I read it as they did not put in writing - merely as an understanding - that their trust was for DH only. Obviously they were subtly worried you would not uphold your end of that desired outcome. Now that you have come into a trust, they are hypothesizing that your stepdad was more careful and DID put it in writing that funds were only for you, not DH.

ut I'm also thinking they could have easily updated the terms of their trust to include only DH (and any siblings) at any time though so what's the big deal for them?

Overall I agree with the others that he's just jealous.

[Anonymous]

I think they showed their true colors when they structured their own TF. Now they are just being themselves but their bitter selves. I would try to minimize time and maximize distance with them.
If I had the quick wits I would respond to his remark: isn’t it what ALL smart people do? Or would you do it differently?