Wife Is Too Skinny

[Anonymous]

My wife was skinny when we met but gained about 50lbs after a medical situation. She was overweight for about a year and then started delving more into nutrition to heal her medical condition. She has since lost more than 50lbs and has become obsessive about eating and exercise. We have always ate healthy with the exception of once a week take out and the occasional treat. We have both been very active and always worked out. My wife now works out for 2 hours everyday and is obsessive about her food. She had eliminated many food items claiming to now have an allergy though she had never had any tests done. She has been self diagnosing with things she’s allergic to and needs to supplement. She counts every calorie she eats and has to eat within a certain calorie count. I love that she has taken her health into her own hands, but the obsessiveness and self diagnosis is really starting to worry me. She has become way too skinny and I feel like she is going to get worse. I’m no longer attracted to her since she became too skinny. I do not her to develop an eating disorder or her to pass down her eating habits on future children. How can I gently ask her to see someone who can hopefully help her?

[Anonymous]

Does she have sisters, friends or a mother who you can talk to and ask them to intercede? You are in a tough spot and need to take care with what you say to her.

[Anonymous]

sounds like she may already have an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

I had an ex basically bring this up to me very sweetly and it was one of the things that helped me heal from an ED. he basically told me how beautiful he found the fat I had on my body (at that point I had dieted a lot of it away but had some on my stomach). It put me on the road to getting back to a healthy weight

[Anonymous]

Eating disorder

[Anonymous]

I totally disagree with the poster who suggested a friend or a family intercede. He’s her spouse. He’s in an excellent position. Imagine how upset she would be if she found out he was talking to her friends behind her back.

Here are some helpful resources, OP. Good luck to you.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/toolkit/parent-toolkit/how-to-talk-to-a-loved-one
https://nedc.com.au/support-and-services/supporting-someone/what-to-say-and-do/

[Anonymous]

Can you alert your family physician on your next visit?
They can bring it up on her next visit (without you involved).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a troll post by a fat woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a troll post by a fat woman

LOL. The idiocy of the misogynistic incels on here always amaze me. You'll never know what it's like to be loved by a woman, dude. Let that sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a troll post by a fat woman

OP here. No. I’m concerned.

[Anonymous]

I've been there. She does already have an eating disorder. As someone who had an eating disorder, no direct conversation is going to help -- she's going to think you are trying to sabotage her progress, and will hate being talked at. My DH was actually the only one who got through to me, and he never once brought it up head on until after I was much better. What he did was he appreciated that when I was completely nuts, it was probably because my body was starving itself. He would just decide we were going to go out to lunch/dinner whatever and have a meal, probably at a greasy spoon diner that we both liked. For some reason, when he suggested it it was fine. I'm not even sure why -- maybe because it was all non-verbal reassurance that if I did wind up gaining weight, it was okay by him, or also because after I had a good meal I was much more sensible.

It's a tough position, but understand that even if you mean well by many comments, she's going to hear them as attacks, and not concern. The last thing someone obsessed with these things needs is more scolding - they're already scolding themselves all the time and trying really hard not to fail.

I would also look to see what else is going on in your life. I got very obsessive when multiple things were out of my control, and food was the one thing that I had absolute control over. I couldn't fix x, y, z, but I could fix how many bites of things I ate or what ingredients were in them.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is her issue? Maybe her eating habits are fine but you’re just not used to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is her issue? Maybe her eating habits are fine but you’re just not used to them?

Clearly you didn’t read Op’s post. Next time, try reading more than the thread title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been there. She does already have an eating disorder. As someone who had an eating disorder, no direct conversation is going to help -- she's going to think you are trying to sabotage her progress, and will hate being talked at. My DH was actually the only one who got through to me, and he never once brought it up head on until after I was much better. What he did was he appreciated that when I was completely nuts, it was probably because my body was starving itself. He would just decide we were going to go out to lunch/dinner whatever and have a meal, probably at a greasy spoon diner that we both liked. For some reason, when he suggested it it was fine. I'm not even sure why -- maybe because it was all non-verbal reassurance that if I did wind up gaining weight, it was okay by him, or also because after I had a good meal I was much more sensible.

It's a tough position, but understand that even if you mean well by many comments, she's going to hear them as attacks, and not concern. The last thing someone obsessed with these things needs is more scolding - they're already scolding themselves all the time and trying really hard not to fail.

I would also look to see what else is going on in your life. I got very obsessive when multiple things were out of my control, and food was the one thing that I had absolute control over. I couldn't fix x, y, z, but I could fix how many bites of things I ate or what ingredients were in them.

As the PP who also had an ED, I agree with this. I think women who have an ED are often convinced that any fat on them is unacceptable. Hearing from a partner that he genuinely loves and accepts any weight on you, and thinks your beautiful, and wants to see you enjoy a meal, means a lot. Any time I would gain a little weight he was always thrilled and would really appreciate it and praise how i looked. I know it probably sounds like youre basically having to entertain a toddler and be so gentle but when youre in that mental head space you're so vulnerable, you need that extra gentleness. i think positive reinforcement is the best strategy because anyone struggling with an ED probably has a constant negative feedback loop anyway so that will just add to it. I know it makes no sense but an ED is often a way to punish yourself for things you "did wrong" and a form of stress relief, so any negativity will just add fuel to the fire. Praising how she looks, any fat on her body that she may have, (i.e. saying how beautiful her hips/butt/stomach is), or praising her for eating a good amount of food may help a lot to fix how she views herself. It's a lot to deal with, and a long road, but I am so grateful to that ex for really shifting everything in my mind. I'm still grateful to him

[Anonymous]

I’m no longer attracted to her since she became too skinny.

Then divorce.