Aloof neighbors

[Anonymous]

We've lived in our neighborhood for 10 years. I feel that our neighborhood is cold, aloof and unfriendly. I want to get to know our neighbors better but I feel like they are not interested. Here's an example of why I think this:

Three years ago we got new neighbors on one side. We have two kids, at the time, ages 5 and 7. One week after they moved in we all went over with a lovely gift basket and introduced ourselves. This was pre-Covid. We had a quick chat for 5 minutes and they didn't invite us in. Since then we've never actually talked to them again, and this was 3 years ago. They are never outside. They now have two kids, ages 1 and 3. Did they decide in those 5 minutes that they didn't like us and we weren't worth getting to know? Pre-Covid we had a few backyard BBQs and invited them. They never RSVP'd and ignored the invites. Occasionally we'll see them taking their trash cans down and we'll wave and they'll wave back and that's it.

Two years ago we got new neighbors on the other side. At the time our kids were 6 and 8. They had one kid, age 2. The week after they moved in we went over to their house and brought them a welcome gift basket. We talked on their driveway for about 20 minutes. We've seen them out walking maybe twice since then, and had a quick 2 minute chat--pleasant but not friendly. All summer they had deck parties and they never once invited us. We never see them outside.

We are outside playing in our yard or gardening all the time, and when a neighbor walks by, we say hello and have a quick chat. But we have no friends in the neighborhood at all. Do people just not like us? We thought we were doing a nice gesture by taking over the welcome baskets and welcoming them to the neighborhood but it didn't seem like it was appreciated. We're even on the HOA committee to try to get to know neighbors. Over the summer I sent out an email to a few families in the neighborhood directory who had kids to see if they wanted to meet up for a backyard playdate, no one responded. I feel bad that my kids have no friends in the neighborhood and don't really know any of the kids.

What would you think in this situation?

[Anonymous]

The length and detailed observations alone make me think you’re likely a nosy, clingy type.

I have some friendly neighbors, and some keep to themselves. I don’t try to force conversation on those who keep to themselves. I give them a smile and a wave and move on with my day.

One of our quietest neighbors who never chats is also the one who told us he saw someone trying to get into our car. So he’s a good neighbor, just a quiet one.

[Anonymous]

This varies a lot by neighborhood. We have a very friendly neighborhood but we don’t have an HOA. I think of HOAs as unfriendly. But I know some places the HOA is the point and runs the pool and whatever and maybe those are more friendly, like way out in the burbs when a giant neighborhood appears all at once.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP.
But remember, they had, and still have, younger kids than yours. Different phases of life regardless of whether you are both the same age bracket. And that can be tough.

[Anonymous]

Are they not talking only to you or are they the same way with all the other neighbors? Your neighbors are in the thick of raising infants and toddlers. Their kids are also much younger than yours so it’s not like they’ll be having play dates together.
And your neighbors may just be reserved people or prefer to spend time with family and other friends, particularly if grandparents and other relatives are local.
It’s the luck of the draw. No need to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Did you mention being on the HOA? That alone would tell me you are "those neighbors" and I’d be distant.

[Anonymous]

It’s a little bonkers that you think people who just moved in would be ready to invite you inside. Those folks probably figured you were in a different life stage (elem kids to their zero kids) and that you were just being nice, which you were. Did you ever invite them over for brunch or drinks or anything? A vague play date suggestion won’t cut it.

The other people might just be trying to survive during the pandemic, also with a kid much younger than yours. Not like they would play together, especially during covid.

I think you need to invite people over if you want to be friends.

[Anonymous]

I like having friendly relations with neighbors but not being friends.

I also try to take over something to new neighbors and introduce myself but it would never occur to me to invite them to a party at my house (well I guess it has occurred to me when we had holiday parties but then I decided it was just too many people to add to the list).

I find kids make their own social circles by age 6 or so but we did very “playdates” because we had relatively little time as a family.

If you you could try a block party or something to encourage more socialization in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

I think it's so sad that people are like PPs who don't want to be friends with their neighbors. Two of my best friends live on my street, and we've had the others over many times for drinks/parties. It's wonderful.

Don't take it personally, OP. These people don't know you well enough to not like you. They may be paranoid like the PPs above who think that you're going to be clingy or policing their HOA compliance. The years have shown you're not.

So maybe when COVID is behind us, try again.

[Anonymous]

Everyone's different. I'm very social but I have no desire to know my neighbors. It's such a small sample of people that have very few overlapping interests. Like one dude is an outdoor camping nut, one woman is obsessed with the arts. Why would I want to be friends? There's just not a compelling case for it in my mind. The fact that you happened to buy a property within 50 feet of me doesn't mean we will make good friends

[Anonymous]

I was about to come on here to post that I prefer aloof, but courteous neighbors, since I'm an introvert, but it's true your neighbors don't seem very nice. Sorry, OP. I would at least have invited you in that first time, replied to all your invitations (with a yes or a no) and chatted with you every now and then. That's just common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

I am one of those neighbors. Trust me we are not some odd crazy people doing some crazy sh*t behind closed doors. We, and sounds like your current neighbors, are not as interested in getting social with others. We like our quiet house, keep it to ourselves. Accept them as they are. Just because their life style is different than your, it doesn't mean one is right or better than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The length and detailed observations alone make me think you’re likely a nosy, clingy type.

I have some friendly neighbors, and some keep to themselves. I don’t try to force conversation on those who keep to themselves. I give them a smile and a wave and move on with my day.

One of our quietest neighbors who never chats is also the one who told us he saw someone trying to get into our car. So he’s a good neighbor, just a quiet one.

+1

OP, for all you know, this is not their first house, and they truly don't want to be bothered. Nothing wrong with that. You can be a "good neighbor without being in someone's face. Some of the worst neighbors I have seen could (but won't admit to it) give you a play by play of what certain. neighbors are doing - who went to CVS, who went to Giant, who went to Safeway....I just don't want any part of it, nor do I have time, truly. My job and my friends and family keep me busy enough, without caring what the neighbors do or don't do. I'm not looking for trouble, nor should you.

[Anonymous]

Can I trade my neighbors for yours, OP?
The one on my left is always on our case to let his wife prepare our tax returns each year. After 18 years one would think they’d get a clue. The ones to the right will try to interrogate me on every one and everything that comes or goes out of our house, including Amazon deliveries. I’d give anything to have folks who mind their own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you mention being on the HOA? That alone would tell me you are "those neighbors" and I’d be distant.

Yup, this was exactly my thought.

I’d react exactly the way your neighbors have. A big gift basket seems like a lot for people you don’t even know, and as an introvert I’d feel overwhelmed. Like your neighbors, I’d be polite when we saw each other outside but would not invite any sort of social engagement.

Back off a bit with future new neighbors; say hello, welcome them and let them know that you’re around if they need anything. If a relationship naturally develops, great. If not, assume that they, like a lot of people on this thread, are not looking to be friends with their neighbors.