Reply to For Women Who Are The Second Wife To A Widower I need Your Advice

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[quote=Anonymous]I have been with my boyfriend for a year. His wife died 3 years ago in childbirth with his youngest, he has 4 children ages  9,7, 4 and 3. We have discussed marriage, and I am now slowly meeting his children.  I have met the children, we went apple picking last month,  went out for pizza earlier this, month and plan to go trick or treating together tomorrow. At this point they do not know me as their father's girlfriend, I'm simply daddy's friend. I do not sleep over the house or anything like that when the children are home. In fact I have never slept over his house at all, he always comes to mine. They are charming little hooligans and Have enjoyed being around them. I have always wanted to be a mother and at 41 a ready-made family of 4 is perfect. He's also not opposed to another child, should I want to try to get pregnant.  
I have met his siblings and his parents and I don't have any concerns there, which is a relief because we are a mixed-race couple and you honestly never know how accepting of that family will be. I have not met his children's maternal grandparents, and I honestly think I'm more nervous about that than when I met his parents. 
I have also had other concerns recently pop into my head, such as changing my last name, I have never felt strongly about it either way, but being the second Mrs. Larla Larloson, when the first one passed so tragically just makes me feel so uncomfortable. There's also thought of moving into the house, which obviously will happen because it's absolutely insane to expect him and the children to move. But the idea of moving into the house as a wife is also unsettling. Maybe  I would feel differently after staying over the house.

1, So here are some of my questions: How did you navigate getting to know the children. I am most concerned about the older ones, as they will have the most memories of their mom, and though I was much older when my father passed, I remember how upset I felt when my mom started dating. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to take their dad away, or make them forget their mom etc.
How did you bond, how did you work out your role as a parent?  Did you have more children? Were all the siblings close? Would it be out of line to suggest a few sessions of family counseling together?

2. If you are a mixed-race couple, meaning you are a different race from your husband and your stepchildren did particular concerns arise? I'm envisioning problems at school pickups and questions from nosy people.

3. Did you meet the first wife's family? How is your relationship? I imagine it might be incredibly difficult, essentially managing 2 MILS and one who might resent you.

4.  When did you start sleeping over his house? Did you feel like you were in another woman's home, does the home ever feel like yours? I imagine there will always be touches of her around the home ohotos etc. which is fine I wouldn't want my boyfriend or  the children to ever feel like they had to hide her.

I guess what I'm asking for is what do you wish someone had told you? What would you do the same or differently?

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