Reply to For Women Who Are The Second Wife To A Widower I need Your Advice

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[quote=Anonymous]Can I answer this?  Both of my parents' mothers died, and both of their fathers remarried. I have heard a lot about how things went. My mom was 8 when her dad remarried, and my dad was 23 (I think?) when his dad remarried.

1, So here are some of my questions: How did you navigate getting to know the children. I am most concerned about the older ones, as they will have the most memories of their mom, and though I was much older when my father passed, I remember how upset I felt when my mom started dating. I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to take their dad away, or make them forget their mom etc. 
How did you bond, how did you work out your role as a parent? Did you have more children? Were all the siblings close? Would it be out of line to suggest a few sessions of family counseling together?

[b]Answer: Do not try to be their new mom. Let them call you by your first name. When introducing yourself to people in front of the kids, say "I'm Joe's wife" rather than "I'm Joey's stepmom." Do NOT make them put away pictures of their mom, even if it feels awkward to you. The master bedroom is yours so feel free to redecorate that room (new bedding, new towels, new furniture) but offer the kids their mom's pillowcase or a special washcloth she used with them or something. Neither of my grandparents had more children (my mother's stepmother - my grandma - wasn't able to although they tried). Walking in and suggesting counseling implies a problem - I wouldn't suggest that unless it's necessary. 
[/b]

2. If you are a mixed-race couple, meaning you are a different race from your husband and your stepchildren did particular concerns arise? I'm envisioning problems at school pickups and questions from nosy people.  [b]N/A[/b]

3. Did you meet the first wife's family? How is your relationship? I imagine it might be incredibly difficult, essentially managing 2 MILS and one who might resent you. 
[b]
Answer: My grandfather's second wife ran in similar circles and they had a lot of overlapping friends, so my grandfather could basically say to family "Carol, you know - the one friends with Tora?" In a healthy family, everyone wants the widowed parent to be happy, even if that's with a new woman. [/b]

4. When did you start sleeping over his house? Did you feel like you were in another woman's home, does the home ever feel like yours? I imagine there will always be touches of her around the home ohotos etc. which is fine I wouldn't want my boyfriend or the children to ever feel like they had to hide her.

[b]Answer: For my mother's stepmother, not until they got married. And then, according to my mother, she came in and either threw out or put away all pictures of my mother's mother, and it was a big upset to her (she was 8 yrs old).  So if this is true, it sounds like my mother's stepmother was a bit insecure.  They moved to a different part of NYC when the marriage happened. So I'm sure that included new stuff.  For my father's stepmother, apparently she had a friend who became a stepmother and and basically did everything wrong, so my father's stepmother was very careful about what she said and did and didn't make the same mistakes. But of the five "children" all five were early to late 20's and four were already out of the house, so no big deal. [/b][/quote]

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