How do adults make friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm serious.

I'm lonely.

I almost want to move towns because I can't find my people, but my kids are in school already.

What is the secret?

[Anonymous]

do you live in a neighborhood? start a wine night for your neighbors. invite all the ladies for a couple hours. open a couple bottles of wine and set out an appetizer or two. see if others want to continue the wine night once a month.

this happened in our neighborhood a couple years ago, and all the neighbors, most of which knew none of the other neighbors got to know each other. i now have a few close friends through that method.

[Anonymous]

Don’t parents make friends through their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm serious.

I'm lonely.

I almost want to move towns because I can't find my people, but my kids are in school already.

What is the secret?

Initially open your mind to "not your people". Grandmas have daughters/sons, kids have aunts/uncles, singles have neighbors, childless have coworkers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm serious.

I'm lonely.

I almost want to move towns because I can't find my people, but my kids are in school already.

What is the secret?

Throw yourself a party. Really. You don't seem to be this type of person (I'm not really either), but I have done it before. You have to show the initiative and have the courage to be fine when some people say no. But more people will say yes and you'll have fun and know which friends you can follow up with.

Kind of petrified of putting together my 40th birthday in April but I will and it will be fun.

[Anonymous]

I think one secret is to recognize that many people already have established friend groups and/or are exhausted. While they might not reach out for new relationships, some might be open to developing friendships, particularly if you are willing to repeatedly take the initiative. So, who are you viewing as “your people”? What proximity interests might you have in common? Are you willing to be the one to nudge things along — and back off appropriately, also repeatedly, so that your desire for friendships doesn’t become another demand on someone’s hectic schedule? Is there something you would be interested in joining as a first step? A reading group, an exercise class, a volunteer organization, a workshop? Those are all things that can lead to next steps and beyond— as long as you’re willing to make the effort, recognizing that others might not be as eager for this as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one secret is to recognize that many people already have established friend groups and/or are exhausted. While they might not reach out for new relationships, some might be open to developing friendships, particularly if you are willing to repeatedly take the initiative. So, who are you viewing as “your people”? What proximity interests might you have in common? Are you willing to be the one to nudge things along — and back off appropriately, also repeatedly, so that your desire for friendships doesn’t become another demand on someone’s hectic schedule? Is there something you would be interested in joining as a first step? A reading group, an exercise class, a volunteer organization, a workshop? Those are all things that can lead to next steps and beyond— as long as you’re willing to make the effort, recognizing that others might not be as eager for this as you are.

But how do people already have established friend groups? That's what mystifies me. I have not had this since college 20 years out.

[Anonymous]

Here are some pre-covid suggestions that could be worth checking out - including Bumble for friends and Meet-Up.



https://panc.clubexpress.com/

https://dcfray.com/fraylife/how-to-make-friends-in-dc-when-youre-new-to-dc-or-even-if-you-are-from-here/

[Anonymous]

I made friends through my volunteer gig, through work, at the bus stop (turns out she’s a neighbor), through other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one secret is to recognize that many people already have established friend groups and/or are exhausted. While they might not reach out for new relationships, some might be open to developing friendships, particularly if you are willing to repeatedly take the initiative. So, who are you viewing as “your people”? What proximity interests might you have in common? Are you willing to be the one to nudge things along — and back off appropriately, also repeatedly, so that your desire for friendships doesn’t become another demand on someone’s hectic schedule? Is there something you would be interested in joining as a first step? A reading group, an exercise class, a volunteer organization, a workshop? Those are all things that can lead to next steps and beyond— as long as you’re willing to make the effort, recognizing that others might not be as eager for this as you are.

But how do people already have established friend groups? That's what mystifies me. I have not had this since college 20 years out.

People start with neighbors, co-workers, fellow members of religious groups, alumni activities and community organizations. The nice thing about college is that almost everyone is new and eager to make friends. I tend to try new things — going to the gym, swimming, joining a book group, whatever. It starts with chatting during the activities, then texting, going for coffee afterwards — then doing things after the activities becomes part of the routine. Then we’ll do something a step beyond that. Again, accept the fact that you will have to make the effort, and be patient, especially since with the pandemic, even people with time and interest might not want to hang out in a coffee shop.

In my case, I have friends and small friendships from multiple periods of my life that we’ve made the effort to maintain.

[Anonymous]

Quit Facebook. Cold turkey.

Quit all the screen time. Meet actual, living people - in person.

Friends will follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one secret is to recognize that many people already have established friend groups and/or are exhausted. While they might not reach out for new relationships, some might be open to developing friendships, particularly if you are willing to repeatedly take the initiative. So, who are you viewing as “your people”? What proximity interests might you have in common? Are you willing to be the one to nudge things along — and back off appropriately, also repeatedly, so that your desire for friendships doesn’t become another demand on someone’s hectic schedule? Is there something you would be interested in joining as a first step? A reading group, an exercise class, a volunteer organization, a workshop? Those are all things that can lead to next steps and beyond— as long as you’re willing to make the effort, recognizing that others might not be as eager for this as you are.

But how do people already have established friend groups? That's what mystifies me. I have not had this since college 20 years out.

People start with neighbors, co-workers, fellow members of religious groups, alumni activities and community organizations. The nice thing about college is that almost everyone is new and eager to make friends. I tend to try new things — going to the gym, swimming, joining a book group, whatever. It starts with chatting during the activities, then texting, going for coffee afterwards — then doing things after the activities becomes part of the routine. Then we’ll do something a step beyond that. Again, accept the fact that you will have to make the effort, and be patient, especially since with the pandemic, even people with time and interest might not want to hang out in a coffee shop.

In my case, I have friends and small friendships from multiple periods of my life that we’ve made the effort to maintain.

Sorry: small friendship GROUPS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do you live in a neighborhood? start a wine night for your neighbors. invite all the ladies for a couple hours. open a couple bottles of wine and set out an appetizer or two. see if others want to continue the wine night once a month.

this happened in our neighborhood a couple years ago, and all the neighbors, most of which knew none of the other neighbors got to know each other. i now have a few close friends through that method.

i would totally come to this. OP, where do you live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do you live in a neighborhood? start a wine night for your neighbors. invite all the ladies for a couple hours. open a couple bottles of wine and set out an appetizer or two. see if others want to continue the wine night once a month.

this happened in our neighborhood a couple years ago, and all the neighbors, most of which knew none of the other neighbors got to know each other. i now have a few close friends through that method.

i would totally come to this. OP, where do you live?

I love this suggestion.

I hear you, OP, it's hard. Sometimes I wonder if it's me, but reading DCUM made me realize it's other people too, haha.

Re existing friend groups, a lot of my close friends are still ppl who moved here that I knew from college and grad school. And I made a set of friends at my first job that had a lot of young ppl. I also joined a mom's group and part of the purpose was socializing, so there weren't the same awkward barriers to "is it weird to ask for this person's number."

A lot of families in my neighborhood seem to be close but for us it's a tough but to crack. Tried at the local pool etc but it isn't going beyond superficial conversation. I don't know why. Same in my current job actually

Now I am making some friends thru my kids. Some seem willing to "put themselves out there" in taking initiative or the first step in wanting to socialize, which I really appreciate.

Agree with PPs on hobbies or volunteering as well if you have the time. But also just empathize that it's not easy IMHO

[Anonymous]

I made my peace a couple years ago in my late 40s that I'm not going to make many new friends moving forward. I have 2 kids. I loved my 20s and early 30s when I had a zillion friends and was a great Type A networker career girl. I'm just at a different stage in my life now. I'm an interesting person. I live a VERY uninteresting life. Because I'm married and have kids now. That's just a fact. There are very very very very very few people (who need to have a lot of money and/or career opportunities) who are able to lead an interesting life while having a family (kids less than teenage years let's say). I had a very interesting life until I got "settled" because that's what settling is - it's settling. You can't travel as much, you can't party as much, you can't just look out for yourself.

I have responsibilities, commitments and my time is not mine for sure. I love my family a lot. All this is to say is that I am a certain kind of person with certain tastes that are very different than those who maybe did not lead very interesting lives prior to being settled. I travelled extensively, hung out with famous people, lived a very different lifestyle than now. And that's OK but it's all say that I'm not gonna click with many people especially in the DC area. I tend to do better with people who choose not to live in DC because let's face it this is a town that is made up of lawyers, lobbyists and government types. It's all good but you have to know yourself. I am fine entertaining myself by movies, a very small group of parents who I can get along with because of my kids, my old friends and some work colleagues. How much time do you really have? Your world gets smaller as you get older it's a function of not just time and opportunity but because you know yourself better and when you do, you realize there's only so many people you really want to be friends with.

I have a lot of acquaintances and nobody who knows me would have thought I would write these words but it's all true. I'm best friends with my family and ultimately that's enough at this time in my life. Good luck!!