Was this abuse? I need to process what happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Will try to keep it short.
Met my ex, we got married and for some time I was outearning him, which irked me and we had a system where he would always either pay for both of us (if he wanted to) or each of us paid half. Then there was a time where we lived on what I was earning, I was paying for the household expenses and he had a kind of limit for his personal stuff, sometimes he would ask for something expensive and I was not happy but I would not object.
Then the tables have turned and we lived on his salary, I had a baby, and as I was dependent on him he started giving me a “budget” to pay for food, baby stuff, my personal expenses. Our relationship went downhill in other aspects, he would try to make me leave with the kid and “go live elsewhere”, he would call me names too. There was no physical violence, but it was bad.
He then left, but helped us pay the rent (child and I stayed). I went through a series of small gigs to buy us food, then got a full time job, filed for divorce and we are now divorcing. He was nasty about money the whole time through the divorce proceedings, now we have agreed on the amount and he is suddenly all chummy and nice.
I am just trying to process what our relationship was like. He claims I was controlling about the money when I was the breadwinner, and this justifies him being the same to me. I sometimes think I lived through emotional abuse, but sometimes I think that our relationship just went downhill, he became an ass and we parted ways.
So which is it? I want to think he is a decent guy but I am really not sure that trying to kick someone out of the house (not physically, but being very persistent about it), name calling, and later lowballing the child support offer like crazy qualifies someone as a decent guy... whether I “deserved” it or not.

[Anonymous]

Yes he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive and is gaslighting you now by trying to rewrite history as you the Bad Guy.

Lots of books in this. But get through the divorce and only do short emails or texts with him. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive and is gaslighting you now by trying to rewrite history as you the Bad Guy.

Lots of books in this. But get through the divorce and only do short emails or texts with him. Good riddance.

Thank you! I don’t share anything with him unless it’s related to our son and absolutely necessary. The problem is that he tells me about his life and tries to chat and it makes me let my guard down a bit, I start thinking of him as a friend, etc.
And I know I will get burned sooner or later if I keep talking to him like he is a friend. So I need to have a clear picture of what happened, without wallowing in self pity or painting a rosy picture of our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were both abusive, good you are no longer together.

[Anonymous]

Why was he paying for things or splitting when you were the higher earner? Sounds like you both had some money hang ups and never functioned as a team. It was yours, his, but never ours. He has a much of a case as you do for "abuse".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was he paying for things or splitting when you were the higher earner? Sounds like you both had some money hang ups and never functioned as a team. It was yours, his, but never ours. He has a much of a case as you do for "abuse".

A lot of it is cultural- we are both from a “man is the provider” culture. We have both Americanized in the last few years though
Yes this is what I sometimes think and what he definitely thinks - he felt unappreciated and even maybe disrespected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was he paying for things or splitting when you were the higher earner? Sounds like you both had some money hang ups and never functioned as a team. It was yours, his, but never ours. He has a much of a case as you do for "abuse".

A lot of it is cultural- we are both from a “man is the provider” culture. We have both Americanized in the last few years though
Yes this is what I sometimes think and what he definitely thinks - he felt unappreciated and even maybe disrespected?

Not pp you are responding to, but it sounds overall like a toxic relationship, and it's probably for the best you are no longer together.

[Anonymous]

Quit the talking. If you need to communicate, regarding your son, use email/text and keep it short—zero emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will try to keep it short.
Met my ex, we got married and for some time I was outearning him, which irked me and we had a system where he would always either pay for both of us (if he wanted to) or each of us paid half. Then there was a time where we lived on what I was earning, I was paying for the household expenses and he had a kind of limit for his personal stuff, sometimes he would ask for something expensive and I was not happy but I would not object.
Then the tables have turned and we lived on his salary, I had a baby, and as I was dependent on him he started giving me a “budget” to pay for food, baby stuff, my personal expenses. Our relationship went downhill in other aspects, he would try to make me leave with the kid and “go live elsewhere”, he would call me names too. There was no physical violence, but it was bad.
He then left, but helped us pay the rent (child and I stayed). I went through a series of small gigs to buy us food, then got a full time job, filed for divorce and we are now divorcing. He was nasty about money the whole time through the divorce proceedings, now we have agreed on the amount and he is suddenly all chummy and nice.
I am just trying to process what our relationship was like. He claims I was controlling about the money when I was the breadwinner, and this justifies him being the same to me. I sometimes think I lived through emotional abuse, but sometimes I think that our relationship just went downhill, he became an ass and we parted ways.
So which is it? I want to think he is a decent guy but I am really not sure that trying to kick someone out of the house (not physically, but being very persistent about it), name calling, and later lowballing the child support offer like crazy qualifies someone as a decent guy... whether I “deserved” it or not.

I don’t see any outright abuse. I do see an inability to communicate and cooperate about money. You did set the tone early on by being controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was he paying for things or splitting when you were the higher earner? Sounds like you both had some money hang ups and never functioned as a team. It was yours, his, but never ours. He has a much of a case as you do for "abuse".

Agree with this. I think you guys would have benefited from some counseling early on in your marriage. It sounds like a bad relationship that went downhill. Money issues are hard to navigate, and you guys started out on the wrong foot altogether.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see abuse here. I see a lot if mutual resentment and unmet expectations around money. This is very very common in relationships. It’s not abuse to be unable to meet a partner’s expectations about money or to have different ideas about family financial budgets. It’s very hard when there is not enough $$$$.

Abuse would be a factor if he limited or tried to limit your access to money that did exist or did not allow you to work. But that’s not what you seem to be talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive and is gaslighting you now by trying to rewrite history as you the Bad Guy.

Lots of books in this. But get through the divorce and only do short emails or texts with him. Good riddance.

This is silly. Wouldn’t you agree that 98% of people divorcing think of the spouse as the Bad Guy? How is that gaslighting? How is that emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

Do some research on coercive control. I think it might help you process the kind of abuse you’ve suffered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will try to keep it short.
Met my ex, we got married and for some time I was outearning him, which irked me and we had a system where he would always either pay for both of us (if he wanted to) or each of us paid half. Then there was a time where we lived on what I was earning, I was paying for the household expenses and he had a kind of limit for his personal stuff, sometimes he would ask for something expensive and I was not happy but I would not object.
Then the tables have turned and we lived on his salary, I had a baby, and as I was dependent on him he started giving me a “budget” to pay for food, baby stuff, my personal expenses. Our relationship went downhill in other aspects, he would try to make me leave with the kid and “go live elsewhere”, he would call me names too. There was no physical violence, but it was bad.
He then left, but helped us pay the rent (child and I stayed). I went through a series of small gigs to buy us food, then got a full time job, filed for divorce and we are now divorcing. He was nasty about money the whole time through the divorce proceedings, now we have agreed on the amount and he is suddenly all chummy and nice.
I am just trying to process what our relationship was like. He claims I was controlling about the money when I was the breadwinner, and this justifies him being the same to me. I sometimes think I lived through emotional abuse, but sometimes I think that our relationship just went downhill, he became an ass and we parted ways.
So which is it? I want to think he is a decent guy but I am really not sure that trying to kick someone out of the house (not physically, but being very persistent about it), name calling, and later lowballing the child support offer like crazy qualifies someone as a decent guy... whether I “deserved” it or not.

I don’t see any outright abuse. I do see an inability to communicate and cooperate about money. You did set the tone early on by being controlling.

+1 It seems he may have a fragile ego and never got over your "control" on the money. Maybe you could have avoid this with better communication or figured out how to handle his sensitivities better or he just needed to grow up.
But once it went downhill over the money, he showed his true colors, so you're better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you were both abusive, good you are no longer together.

This