Was this abuse? I need to process what happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Not abuse, just a bad relationship dynamic/communication.

I'd also encourage you not to think about what your describe as "something that happened to me." You are a person with agency who participated. I'm not saying you were wrong in any way, but thinking of yourself as a passive recipient/victim of something is both inaccurate and won't help you move forward.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you were both equally terrible. You put him on a budget huh then got mad that he put you on a budget? You were mad that you were the breadwinner at first but was fine to let him take care of you. He even paid for rent after he left. You sound entitled and trying to play the victim because things didn’t work out in your favor. You sound incredibly immature.

[Anonymous]

The level of entitlement from OP is messed up. To think people like this are raising kids. You are NOT a victim. You had a toxic messy relationship. The fact that this man even supported you after he left while you worked small jobs shows you likely were a huge factor in the downfall of the relationship. Most women do not have a spouse who pays for the rent while they only work small jobs while being separated. You sound very entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive and is gaslighting you now by trying to rewrite history as you the Bad Guy.

Lots of books in this. But get through the divorce and only do short emails or texts with him. Good riddance.

You are hearing one side of this, you can’t know this is true.

OP, I don’t think you need to spend time thinking this through, other than in terms of what makes you feel good, healthy, empowered so you can set the right parameters in future relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is not abusive. I see a lot of women start calling anything abuse if they are not happy with the outcome.

We are only hearing one side of the story and taking it with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was he paying for things or splitting when you were the higher earner? Sounds like you both had some money hang ups and never functioned as a team. It was yours, his, but never ours. He has a much of a case as you do for "abuse".

Agree with this. I think you guys would have benefited from some counseling early on in your marriage. It sounds like a bad relationship that went downhill. Money issues are hard to navigate, and you guys started out on the wrong foot altogether.

He was always against counseling. I did some on my own, it helped me a lot, but there were other issues as well (not related to my question) and in the end it didn’t change the trajectory of our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see abuse here. I see a lot if mutual resentment and unmet expectations around money. This is very very common in relationships. It’s not abuse to be unable to meet a partner’s expectations about money or to have different ideas about family financial budgets. It’s very hard when there is not enough $$$$.

Abuse would be a factor if he limited or tried to limit your access to money that did exist or did not allow you to work. But that’s not what you seem to be talking about.

He limited my access to money in the years where he was the breadwinner. I had no access to his account, he would send me a certain amount every month and pay the bills. I could not work for a few years but it wasn’t because he was against it (so I am not sure if it’s relevant).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do some research on coercive control. I think it might help you process the kind of abuse you’ve suffered.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The level of entitlement from OP is messed up. To think people like this are raising kids. You are NOT a victim. You had a toxic messy relationship. The fact that this man even supported you after he left while you worked small jobs shows you likely were a huge factor in the downfall of the relationship. Most women do not have a spouse who pays for the rent while they only work small jobs while being separated. You sound very entitled.

It was in lieu of paying child support. So I don’t think it’s anything strange. I am not saying it’s abuse, but not like he is the noble savior also

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive and is gaslighting you now by trying to rewrite history as you the Bad Guy.

Lots of books in this. But get through the divorce and only do short emails or texts with him. Good riddance.

You are hearing one side of this, you can’t know this is true.

OP, I don’t think you need to spend time thinking this through, other than in terms of what makes you feel good, healthy, empowered so you can set the right parameters in future relationships.

Yes, I need to process it to kind of have a story to tell myself, if you know what I mean? I am very confused tbh. He is not a classic abuser, but not a completely sane, mature person as well. I am trying to make sense of our relationship in very general terms, like on a resume. Married Larlo, had a child, it didn’t work out as we both made mistakes and we split? Or was it that Larlo suddenly turned abusive with a change in circumstance and I had to end it?

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am grateful to everyone who weighed in here. I tried to be very factual and there’s a range of responses but it seems like most voted that there was no abuse. Or maybe it was mutual?
It is easier for me to see it that way than if I had consensus that I was abused

[Anonymous]

I don't think this sounds like abuse. It sounds like lack of generosity and cooperation. I guess the mid point between "it just didn't work out" and "you were abused" is "he didn't treat you well" and that sounds accurate to me, from this very abbreviated summary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this sounds like abuse. It sounds like lack of generosity and cooperation. I guess the mid point between "it just didn't work out" and "you were abused" is "he didn't treat you well" and that sounds accurate to me, from this very abbreviated summary.

Thank you! It seemed like he had a lot of anger, resentment and hurt from the previous years, and instead of getting over it he just cultivated them. So I can’t say I am completely innocent here but also my “fault” is exaggerated in his mind.

[Anonymous]

It's not abuse to argue ab out money.

[Anonymous]

Don’t ask here, OP. These people are miserable. Only you know what happened. Don’t let stranger write your history.