Help with a friend who thinks I'm her personal chauffeur

[Anonymous]

I have this friend and we have been friend for 5 years just to give a little background she is 46 and I'm 30. She is truly a sweet person and means well. She doesn't have a car or a license which is fine I'm not judging but each time we hangout to go to dinner or something either on the way to the restaurant or on the way back she wants me to take her on an errand whether it be to the grocery store to pick up milk and break or some food for her elementary aged children.

It gets very irritating because I feel like she is treating me like her personal errand person and not to be rude but I feel like as a grown woman it is her responsibility to arrange her own way or transportation of getting there. I should also add that her not driving isn't because of a disability or any issues. What should I do? Address it to her? How do I politely set those boundaries?

Like I said when we chat on the phone and hangout she does ask me about how things in my life is and she does reciprocate in that way and that's what makes me feel super guilty for feeling super annoyed about her asking me to take her on errands when we hangout.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her that you don't have time to run errands. Do you not want to drive her at all? Then don't plan outings that are further than walking distance to her house.

[Anonymous]

You have at least a few options--ask her in advance if she needs to stop anywhere along the way (if you'll have time--that way if you also need to go to the store or whatever you can do it then) or tell her [ideally ahead of time] that you're on a tight schedule to get to xxx and don't have time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that you don't have time to run errands. Do you not want to drive her at all? Then don't plan outings that are further than walking distance to her house.

I mean I definitely don't mind picking her up from her house or wherever she needs to be picked up from and then taking her to wherever we are going to hangout but I don't want to have to take her on errands like the ATM, convenience stores, grocery stores etc...

I live 45 minutes away from her but when we first met and because friends I lived 10 minutes away. Does this make me sound like a terrible friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have at least a few options--ask her in advance if she needs to stop anywhere along the way (if you'll have time--that way if you also need to go to the store or whatever you can do it then) or tell her [ideally ahead of time] that you're on a tight schedule to get to xxx and don't have time.

That's what I would do, if this friend expressed her gratitude and compensated in other ways. I have a friend who doesn't drive, and never asks to be driven. I have already offered many times.

[Anonymous]

If you are willing to drive 45 minutes to see her regularly this seems like a friendship you value.

If you don't want to run errands with her, just let her know, I need to get home right away, I don't have time for errands.

I will be honest, it seems a bit petty on your part (since you are willing to drive a good distance just to pick her up), but I also think this is something you could easily put an end to without hurting her feelings.

[Anonymous]

The title of this thread should be "Help me get a backbone and set boundaries so I stop allowing someone to use me."

Why do you think YOU are a bad friend when YOU drive 45 minutes to pick HER up, then go to dinner, then bring HER home, then drive 45 minutes back home? Because you don't want to do errands. In a normal friendship, friends meet at the halfway point, or switch off going to each other. But YOU are worried about being a good friend?

[Anonymous]

Speak your words to her

[Anonymous]

Uber

[Anonymous]

Start setting boundaries ahead of time. When you make plans with her, tell her when you are making the plans that you will not be able to give her a ride, or that you’ll be going straight to something else and won’t have time for anything else. Just make it very clear in a polite way, but don’t apologize.

Part of setting this boundary is creating better expectations for her so she figures out how to solve these issues herself. She has become reliant on you, which is why I suggest setting the boundary ahead of time and not in the moment. That will help avoid situations where you feel guilted into doing it because now she has an urgent need. Give her time to make other arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that you don't have time to run errands. Do you not want to drive her at all? Then don't plan outings that are further than walking distance to her house.

I mean I definitely don't mind picking her up from her house or wherever she needs to be picked up from and then taking her to wherever we are going to hangout but I don't want to have to take her on errands like the ATM, convenience stores, grocery stores etc...

I live 45 minutes away from her but when we first met and because friends I lived 10 minutes away. Does this make me sound like a terrible friend?

OP, you don't owe it to her to drive her to do her errands. I can't imagine having time for this. Next time she asks, just let her know that you're tired or aren't in the mood for errands or whatever. You can offer to drop her off at the store instead of home. Since you sound close, you can ask her why she doesn't drive. It may be anxiety, but she needs to figure out another way to another way to get her errands done, like public transportation.

I wonder how this impacts her kids. Most other parents aren't going to pick up the slack for every ride to activities, all the shuttling back and forth for play dates, etc.

[Anonymous]

If the inconvenience is too much trouble for you, just let the relationship go.

How often do you get together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are willing to drive 45 minutes to see her regularly this seems like a friendship you value.

If you don't want to run errands with her, just let her know, I need to get home right away, I don't have time for errands.

I will be honest, it seems a bit petty on your part (since you are willing to drive a good distance just to pick her up), but I also think this is something you could easily put an end to without hurting her feelings.

That's kind of the whole point though I am already kind of doing her a favor by driving 45 minutes and picking her up that on top of that that takes up time to take her on an errand and have to sit and wait in my car. How is that petty to not want to have to waste my day and my time that is also important to me carting other people around on errands? I just don't get how that's my responsibility TBH.

To answer some of the other questions I do really value out friendship and like I said I get a lot out of the friendship because my friend is really a good person and does reciprocate by asking about my life as well and she is a sweet person.

We used to work together and that's how we met. Now we work at different jobs but I still work in the city where I used to live when I lived by my friend.

We both get off at 4 so I can just pick her up from her job and then go grab dinner together. I just want to be clear and not paint a picture that's not accurate that I'm not always driving 45 minutes just to see my friend. Occasionally we go out on the weekends and in that case I do drive 35 minutes to see her and pick her up.

I just want to set stronger boundaries because I feel like saying "no" to someone or having limits shouldn't make someone a bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are willing to drive 45 minutes to see her regularly this seems like a friendship you value.

If you don't want to run errands with her, just let her know, I need to get home right away, I don't have time for errands.

I will be honest, it seems a bit petty on your part (since you are willing to drive a good distance just to pick her up), but I also think this is something you could easily put an end to without hurting her feelings.

That's kind of the whole point though I am already kind of doing her a favor by driving 45 minutes and picking her up that on top of that that takes up time to take her on an errand and have to sit and wait in my car. How is that petty to not want to have to waste my day and my time that is also important to me carting other people around on errands? I just don't get how that's my responsibility TBH.

To answer some of the other questions I do really value out friendship and like I said I get a lot out of the friendship because my friend is really a good person and does reciprocate by asking about my life as well and she is a sweet person.

We used to work together and that's how we met. Now we work at different jobs but I still work in the city where I used to live when I lived by my friend.

We both get off at 4 so I can just pick her up from her job and then go grab dinner together. I just want to be clear and not paint a picture that's not accurate that I'm not always driving 45 minutes just to see my friend. Occasionally we go out on the weekends and in that case I do drive 35 minutes to see her and pick her up.

I just want to set stronger boundaries because I feel like saying "no" to someone or having limits shouldn't make someone a bad friend.

45 minutes I meant to type not 35 minutes. Sorry guys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the inconvenience is too much trouble for you, just let the relationship go.

How often do you get together?

Like I stated earlier it's just that one little issue of taking her places. I get a lot out of the friendship and I value it. I don't want to drop the whole friendship based off of one issue alone. I am just asking for a polite way to set boundaries not to drop the friendship completely.