If your DH had bad relationship examples
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Anonymous
| Was he willing or able to learn small practices - not change, but willing to learn one or more small things that made a big difference. (Ex: being able to sit down, listen, and have a calm discussion without throwing things). DH's norm growing up was pretty volatile, and he is not amenable to therapy. Advice from people who have been through this? |
Anonymous
Mine was not interested in learning. |
Anonymous
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Good news: he will not follow the bad example of his parents
Bad news: instead, he will do different things that are dysfunctional. 
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Anonymous
| I'm the wife and had bad relationship examples. My mother has been divorced three times, my father two times. I had to learn how to argue and resolve conflict. DH and I went to couples counseling. |
Anonymous
Ditto. My DH is completely uninterested in self-reflection. He's just simply never wrong. |
Anonymous
| Opposite experience here. DH’s father was bipolar and could be extremely explosive when manic. DH has grown up to be an anti-yeller. He’s the calmest, most self-controlled person I know. Not afraid to discuss issues, but insists on doing it calmly (and not in front of kids / extended family / friends). |
Anonymous
That made me lol. Would you say your relationship is good? Are you happy? |
Anonymous
| “Not amenable to therapy” would be an issue for me, personally. |
Anonymous
That sounds like my dh, who grew up witnessing the most horrific fights between his parents. I've known him for 30 years and have heard him raise his voice maybe 5 times and not once at me or the kids. |
Anonymous
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No.
Nor would he admit them or even ID him. His teenage kids did once to me after an odd fight. They said: that’s what he always did to Mom. Don’t put up with it. So he’s on watch now. And if he can’t improve, in this cases it’s a bad communication patter, I’ll separate ways. |
Anonymous
Oh no. Many times he think he won't , but 20 years later he does. |
Anonymous
While dating my H said things like: my dad is an absent minded professor, and we all ignored him at home, and I felt so much better once I moved away for college. Fast FW and we are married w kids. Dinners, drives, walks with that set of parents is quiet, no one talks or asks about anything. Some comments here and there, often quite rude and out of touch. Terrible relationship example. And turns out they are how they are due to the fathers high functioning autism and the moms 40+ years of dealing with it. This was discovered when a brother in law was diagnosed after a series of job firings and failed relationships plus associated anxiety and depression— ultimately all stemming from HFA. Luckily my H does not have it as bad and basically copies my comments, mood or parenting. But left to his own devices and judgment in new situations - which is most times w kids! - can get overwhelmed and shuts down or gets angry. So don’t rule out relationship examples steeped in disorders that are genetic. |
Anonymous
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I’m almost 20 years into it, short answer yes he has changed and doesn’t yell as much. Like once every 1-2 months instead of once every week. Better communication. It’s taken a LOT of work. He has been in therapy for a long time.
I had non-ideal examples also, I did a lot of work before marriage. I have not repeated the worst of it but it’s a work in progress. |
Anonymous
NP. Agree, that would be an issue for me as well. OP, I don't know what you mean by "not amenable"-- that could range from "tried but thought it was 'boring' and 'silly'" all the way to "flatly refuses to even try any form of therapy, counseling, even a one-time marriage communications workshop, and gets furious at the suggestion." Where is his "not amenable" along that spectrum? What have you recommended, or tried to insist upon? Have you just been "bringing it up" or have you presented him with "We have an appointment Tuesday at 6 p.m. and it's close to your office; I will pick you up at 5:45 and I know you don't have any conflict that night"? Have you tried expressing that if he will not go to couples therapy, you are going to get individual therapy with a focus on choosing what to do next in the marriage yourself? My DH as a younger man with issues thought therapy was for the "weak" but fortunately before he and I met, he had to get some counseling related to his work, and he actually realized it was a relief to open up to someone else. He says now he feared being judged and being thought of as unable to handle stress. (Long story that I won't go into, suffice to say, tough upbringing after his father died young and his mom had to leave him to raise himself in many ways, so he had issues, plus is in a very high-stress job.) Once he realized counseling was not nearly as bad as he assumed, and did not leave him feeling he was weak for doing it, he got some therapy on his own to talk about his childhood and young adult years. I met him after he'd done that, and he says he is a much easier person to know now than he was before he got some help. Later when we were talking about getting married, I suggested we get some short-term premarital counseling, and he willingly agreed. He says he has changed a lot over the years thanks in part to accepting that it wasn't weak to talk to someone else, and it was OK (and not a defeat) to change things about himself. I hope your DH can somehow become more amenable to outside help, OP. |
Anonymous
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You need a therapist that will hold the person accountable.
A good therapist will fire a patient who is lying or trying to manipulate the sessions or continues to not answer basic questions. But that’s useful information, for knowing what kind of person you’re dealing with. Ie Not amenable your therapy (won’t do the work, views it as check the box, lies & denies at therapy). |