How to respond to someone who is being sanctimonious?

[Anonymous]

How do you respond to / deal with a sanctimonious relative or inlaw?

DH has 2 younger sisters, no brothers.
SIL1 is 55, SIL2 is 49. DH and I are 53 and 62.

SIL1 and her husband often sound sanctimonious towards us - and I'm sure to others too.
In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't know if 'sanctimonious' is even the correct word to describe their demeanour towards us. They sometimes talk like they know it all, and their way of doing things is the only right way.

Don't know if this is relevant but the 2 SILs live in the same city as MIL. We moved away some 15 years ago.

.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they are passive aggressively pointing out how much they do.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they just want you to know how much work it takes to care for your DH's mother. Or they want you to be familiar with what they are doing in case you need to step in and do it. They want your DH and you to be more "in the know".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they are passive aggressively pointing out how much they do.

Yep. Guilt tripping. WE have to do this and this and this because you're not here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they are passive aggressively pointing out how much they do.

Yep. Guilt tripping. WE have to do this and this and this because you're not here.

Sounds like OP and her DH need to step up in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they just want you to know how much work it takes to care for your DH's mother. Or they want you to be familiar with what they are doing in case you need to step in and do it. They want your DH and you to be more "in the know".

DH and his 2 sisters text each other about MIL every day. Each person knows what the others are doing. They have also set up a shared electronic calendar so they can see who is doing what or coming in and when. MIL also has a couple of aides and a cleaner.
DH spends 1 lunchtime and afternoon per week with his mother and he also contributes by taking care of her household admin and finances/bank/investments stuff.

DH sometimes gets annoyed about the way SIL1 and (sometimes) her husband talk to us, or express themselves. They're not rude or obnoxious but it always feels like they're 'lecturing' us.
SIL1 is bossy by nature.

[Anonymous]

If you don't live near them do not have to see them and they are your ILs - just ignore it, or block them, whatever feels best.

[Anonymous]

You should thank them. They probably feel unappreciated. It doesn’t cost you anything to say thank you and really mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to / deal with a sanctimonious relative or inlaw?

DH has 2 younger sisters, no brothers.
SIL1 is 55, SIL2 is 49. DH and I are 53 and 62.

SIL1 and her husband often sound sanctimonious towards us - and I'm sure to others too.
In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't know if 'sanctimonious' is even the correct word to describe their demeanour towards us. They sometimes talk like they know it all, and their way of doing things is the only right way.

Don't know if this is relevant but the 2 SILs live in the same city as MIL. We moved away some 15 years ago.

.

You are correct that you are using the word incorrectly. In order for there to be sanctimony, the person must profess piety (as in religious piety) and be a hypocrite.

The closest word to describe what you are saying is smug.

Or, really, maybe insecurity or guilt to describe your reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to / deal with a sanctimonious relative or inlaw?

DH has 2 younger sisters, no brothers.
SIL1 is 55, SIL2 is 49. DH and I are 53 and 62.

SIL1 and her husband often sound sanctimonious towards us - and I'm sure to others too.
In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't know if 'sanctimonious' is even the correct word to describe their demeanour towards us. They sometimes talk like they know it all, and their way of doing things is the only right way.

Don't know if this is relevant but the 2 SILs live in the same city as MIL. We moved away some 15 years ago.

.

You are correct that you are using the word incorrectly. In order for there to be sanctimony, the person must profess piety (as in religious piety) and be a hypocrite.

The closest word to describe what you are saying is smug.

Or, really, maybe insecurity or guilt to describe your reaction to it.

OP here. Yes, 'smug' is probably a better word for it. Smug + lecturing others. Or at least trying to convince others that their way is the only right way. SIL1 has always been like this, but now even more so when it concerns their mother.

[Anonymous]

They probably feel unappreciated, and eldercare can get mentally and physically exhausting over the long-term. Praise is FREE and makes people feel SO MUCH BETTER. You really need to remember that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They probably feel unappreciated, and eldercare can get mentally and physically exhausting over the long-term. Praise is FREE and makes people feel SO MUCH BETTER. You really need to remember that

DH does thank his sisters for their efforts. He is thankful. They know that DH can only do so much because of distance and time. DH is in a full-time job in senior management, and I travel regularly for my job and/or to see my own elderly (and not so elderly) relatives overseas.
The SILs work very few hours, for various reasons, so have more free time to be around MIL.

MIL also receives almost 24/7 care from aides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They probably feel unappreciated, and eldercare can get mentally and physically exhausting over the long-term. Praise is FREE and makes people feel SO MUCH BETTER. You really need to remember that

DH does thank his sisters for their efforts. He is thankful. They know that DH can only do so much because of distance and time. DH is in a full-time job in senior management, and I travel regularly for my job and/or to see my own elderly (and not so elderly) relatives overseas.
The SILs work very few hours, for various reasons, so have more free time to be around MIL.

MIL also receives almost 24/7 care from aides.

Right, but what people know and what they feel can be very different (my mother is a perfect example of that, and boy, is she annoying to be around!). My MIL receives high quality paid care from aides, but my BILs still need to be present and solve issues nearly every day. I am HUGELY GRATEFUL for what they do! Like you and your husband, DH and I are the absent ones due to distance. So it sounds like both you and your husband should praise more than you think is needed, so that they feel nearly/barely acknowledged! I know But this is how it is. And then when they start on something that has nothing to do with helping their mother, say "mm-hmm" and tune them out. This is what I do with one of my BILs, who can talk my ear off about all kinds of nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The SILs work very few hours, for various reasons, so have more free time to be around MIL.

Don't hold this against them. It may be by design, in part because they have an elderly mother to help! You sound very dismissive of them.