How to respond to someone who is being sanctimonious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

What? You seriously expected them to help your YOUR parents?

You aren’t doing anything. Your DH is doing a bare minimum. Can’t he take 10 minute a day to talk to his mom on the phone? That would help.

DH talks to his mom on the phone most days.

And why should DH's parents trump my parents? No, of course I never expected my SILs to offer physical labor for my parents, if that's what you're referring to. My parents lived on a different continent. I did all the physical labor for them by going out there and staying for extended periods of time. But SILs could have shown me that they cared. Asked after my parents maybe? Talked to me? Anything?
They never ask about any relatives of mine. It's not because they don't see these people , hat they don't exist.

If you're wondering, MIL and I have a very good relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's clear that you don't like your SILs, and you feel that they don't care about you or your family of origin, but that seems a side issue relative to whether your DH is doing his fair share in HIS family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Ok, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's clear that you don't like your SILs, and you feel that they don't care about you or your family of origin, but that seems a side issue relative to whether your DH is doing his fair share in HIS family of origin.

+1

And you think their communications with you are "santimonious" for whatever reasons. Your DH is the one responsible for this situation with his mother; you get a pass. You should do your best to at least be pleasant, and not judge them for their low-working status or their HHI (which you are likely jealous of) It's clear you and the SILs pretty much can't stand each other.

[Anonymous]

Call them "sweetie" or "honey" and use the word insufferable a lot. Be very sarcastic and mean.

(I learned that here on DCUM!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's clear that you don't like your SILs, and you feel that they don't care about you or your family of origin, but that seems a side issue relative to whether your DH is doing his fair share in HIS family of origin.

+1

And you think their communications with you are "santimonious" for whatever reasons. Your DH is the one responsible for this situation with his mother; you get a pass. You should do your best to at least be pleasant, and not judge them for their low-working status or their HHI (which you are likely jealous of) It's clear you and the SILs pretty much can't stand each other.

OP again. My opinion on my SILs would be different if they had treated me like proper family from day one of our marriage. I'm 53, DH is 62 and we've been married for 23 years.

In those 23 years, my 2 SILs have NEVER:

- called/texted me to say hi

- shown a genuine desire to meet up with me for coffee or a sisterly chat, not even before we moved away from the area (we used to live about 40 minutes apart). My attempts to arrange to meet up with them for coffee/lunch over the years were usually met with 'Sorry, I'm too busy'. That's not to say that I never met up with them, but 9 out of 10 times they seemed to have better things to do.

- shown any interest in me as a person, my interests, my opinions

- asked about my job (they know my job is very important to me)

- asked about my close relatives who live overseas (my parents are dead)

- made an effort to engage in any type of dialogue or discussion with me on any topic

From the day I met them I have always been pleasant and polite to them, asking them about their lives and their work and their kids, staying neutral and not expressing too many opinions. . We have never had arguments. BUT ... they just ignore me during family gatherings. Literally. The last time we spent Christmas Day at SIL1, neither of the 2 SILs said a word to me during the 5 or 6 hours we were there, I'm not joking. When I started talking to them, they quickly started talking to someone else (mainly MIL), or changed the topic.

They only contact me when they need something from me.

As for their low-working status, SIL1's husband inherited a lot of money and they invested in real estate. SIL2 got a good divorce settlement and doesn't want a regular job. She takes on some freelance work now and then.

My DH loves his sisters because they're his sisters but he has very little in common with them so he doesn't engage with them apart from issues relating to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

Okay, so your SIL’s are doing the actual work of taking care of their mom and your DH is trying to step in from afar and control the budget/admin ie tell them they spend too much? And you wonder why they are not pleasant to you? Oh, and your son is in charge of her investments ie majorly in charge of inheritance even though, again, he does no actual care work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

Okay, so your SIL’s are doing the actual work of taking care of their mom and your DH is trying to step in from afar and control the budget/admin ie tell them they spend too much? And you wonder why they are not pleasant to you? Oh, and your son is in charge of her investments ie majorly in charge of inheritance even though, again, he does no actual care work?

The physical labor is done by aides. They take care of grooming, bathing, dressing, undressing, intimate care, cooking, laundry, administering medication, providing company and generally looking after her.

She also has aides who stay overnight.

A cleaner comes in 2 or 3 times per week.

SILs visit a couple of times per week to be with her and provide company, take her to medical appointments, hairdressing salon, church, etc.

DH visits 1 lunchtime and afternoon per week (due to distance and a full-time job), and takes her out on any activity she likes to do, usually going to the park or taking her out for coffee and cake.

Yes, DH takes care of her admin and finances from afar. He is very good with figures. And? Why is that so unusual?

And why shouldn't SILs be pleasant to me, generally? Their family dynamics are not my responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

Okay, so your SIL’s are doing the actual work of taking care of their mom and your DH is trying to step in from afar and control the budget/admin ie tell them they spend too much? And you wonder why they are not pleasant to you? Oh, and your son is in charge of her investments ie majorly in charge of inheritance even though, again, he does no actual care work?

The physical labor is done by aides. They take care of grooming, bathing, dressing, undressing, intimate care, cooking, laundry, administering medication, providing company and generally looking after her.

She also has aides who stay overnight.

A cleaner comes in 2 or 3 times per week.

SILs visit a couple of times per week to be with her and provide company, take her to medical appointments, hairdressing salon, church, etc.

DH visits 1 lunchtime and afternoon per week (due to distance and a full-time job), and takes her out on any activity she likes to do, usually going to the park or taking her out for coffee and cake.

Yes, DH takes care of her admin and finances from afar. He is very good with figures. And? Why is that so unusual?

And why shouldn't SILs be pleasant to me, generally? Their family dynamics are not my responsibility.

After 23 years, I don't think you will be able to change them. You have to try to accept the relationship you have and let go of the relationship you would like to have. If they do not talk to you at family gatherings, it will be easy to just ignore them too. This is short term as your MIL will not live forever. I doubt you will have to see them much after she is gone. Even in families where siblings are relatively close, once the parents are gone most times the sibings start seeing each other less and less.