How to respond to someone who is being sanctimonious?

[Anonymous]

"Our point of view is that it's not a competition." Um, okay, but are you and your husband helping with your MIL in any way? Or have you ever thanked them for doing it so your husband doesn't have to?

[Anonymous]

Well, I just ignore the attitude from people like this.

But really, if they are there doing the care every day, they DO know more than you and your husband. And frankly, their vote counts more. That is how the world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Our point of view is that it's not a competition." Um, okay, but are you and your husband helping with your MIL in any way? Or have you ever thanked them for doing it so your husband doesn't have to?

OP here. Yes, see my previous posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to / deal with a sanctimonious relative or inlaw?

DH has 2 younger sisters, no brothers.
SIL1 is 55, SIL2 is 49. DH and I are 53 and 62.

SIL1 and her husband often sound sanctimonious towards us - and I'm sure to others too.
In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't know if 'sanctimonious' is even the correct word to describe their demeanour towards us. They sometimes talk like they know it all, and their way of doing things is the only right way.

Don't know if this is relevant but the 2 SILs live in the same city as MIL. We moved away some 15 years ago.

.

No way are you 53. You sound like you are 2. Go away, troll. Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Our point of view is that it's not a competition." Um, okay, but are you and your husband helping with your MIL in any way? Or have you ever thanked them for doing it so your husband doesn't have to?

OP here. Yes, see my previous posts.

DP. No, actually, most of your posts are complaining about people who are doing more than you are on a consistent basis. When you stop your b session you'll see that you aren't anywhere near to dealing with your inlaws as helpfully or consistently as the people you're complaining about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Our point of view is that it's not a competition." Um, okay, but are you and your husband helping with your MIL in any way? Or have you ever thanked them for doing it so your husband doesn't have to?

OP here. Yes, see my previous posts.

DP. No, actually, most of your posts are complaining about people who are doing more than you are on a consistent basis. When you stop your b session you'll see that you aren't anywhere near to dealing with your inlaws as helpfully or consistently as the people you're complaining about.

Read my previous posts again. I described what DH does for his mom.

[Anonymous]

If SIL has always been bossy, it won’t change now! It probably makes her feel like she’s important and in control.

It’s a tough time for everyone. As much as possible, try to be gracious and ignore it. The only thing that might stop it is if they didn’t have to be involved in any of the elder care at all.

You and your DH do benefit from their involvement in his mother’s care. They’re probably the ones that get, or will be getting, all the emergency calls at all hours, going to all the doctor visits, and keeping you informed. You and your DH can continue doing your busy full time jobs because they’re there looking out for their mother daily, otherwise your DH would be fielding a lot more calls about his mother and taking more time off to take care of her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: DH is in a full-time job in senior management

That's a choice, and it doesn't give him a pass from caring for his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: DH is in a full-time job in senior management

That's a choice, and it doesn't give him a pass from caring for his mother.

OP here. Not a choice when bills need to be paid. Both SILs are financially more secure than we are.

[Anonymous]

Ignore them, OP. They’re being petty. Just be glad you had the sense to move away so you’re not stuck dealing with the old bag. She has plenty of help.

[Anonymous]

Op, best you can do is manage the environment. Where are you socializing? Move around the room more. Talk to them less. See MIL without them most of the time. Get off the phone. Whatever. This is your husband's family. He has to put up with it much more than you.

Likely they aren't going to change. No magic words to make it stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

What? You seriously expected them to help your YOUR parents?

You aren’t doing anything. Your DH is doing a bare minimum. Can’t he take 10 minute a day to talk to his mom on the phone? That would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc.
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out. Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar.

This. Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going. Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?

We forget that siblings are still ordinary people, some with preexisting personality disorders, thrown into doing elder care because of the circumstances, when their parents age. You don’t automatically become a considerate person with perfect emotional self control and professional and cordial interactions with your siblings because you’re now your parent’s caregiver. One confrontation with them is not going to change this; it’ll only cause more resentment and hostility towards you and your DH.

So, OP, you have to deal with what you’ve got, or you and your DH need to take on 100% of the responsibility for his mother’s care.